That "F" word

yupe, as expected i failed.

my first "F" word. once done, i went out and asked for the result. i was told that i haven't do the survey so i went in and do the survey. after it was done, result of the exam was displayed on the screen. i felt a pang of disappoinment, went out and told them that i don't want the hardcopy only to get told that i have to wait for it. my eyes were filled with tears and i was totally fulled of disappointment but i know nothing can change the fact, not even the what-ifs filling my mind. i know what the outcome is but still, the disappointment of seeing that word on my screen is beyond words.

i went to the place with full confidence; of failing i supposed. feel like i didn't do that bad and i don't even know if i'd choose another answer had i been given a 2nd chance today. the best part is that i scored 100% during the mock exam for the ethical part and here ethical is one of the domain where my result is below proficient. i realised though that i ignored the advise given during the exam preparation course - don't think of real life practice, but think of how it will be handle based on the book of knowledge.

yes i didn't spend enough time studying. heck, i even went for a weekend getaway 2 weeks before the exam (mum said "next time, conquer your exam before conquering any mountain." lol) . but to my defence, i spent my weekends doing some readings, skipping vb, reducing my cinema visit and decided to stay home if i have something on the following day or even on that evening itself. but yeah, i believe i didn't study to the max. we've been told to study 3 mths before the exam and i think i only start studying 'seriously' few weeks prior to the exam.

to be honest i'm not sure if i should re-take the exam now. firstly, this is more for my personal achievement, nothing to do with work. yes my reason of starting this was to have some value-added for my future. but i kinda decided to stay put now that my company is going towards a region structure instead of country. and secondly, i might end up picking the same answer again!! oh well, let me have more time to reassess everything before making any decisions.

i guess just like a project closure, i have to document this as part of the lesson learnt and move on. the disappointment will still be there for quite some time. hp told me that she failed twice in her sql certification before, kat told me that she failed her exam before, few others assured me that failure is normal in life and not to take it very hard. i know that for a fact too but i'm sure this regret will follow me for awhile. and i'll try my best to hold it in and put a smiling face tonight as a dear friend is in town.

sigh ...

looking back at my life - almost 9 years of living in singapore and i still haven't achieve anything significant. oh wait a moment, i have - having fun in life :P

I Just Knew

i know for sure that i'm going to fail the exam. i have a choice to reschedule it to the next period - which is in june - or just take it, fail and retake it in june. i chose the 2nd option. why? because if i simply reschedule it i know the same thing will happen again. if i take it and fail it'll be a slap to my face and i'll take it more seriously considering i have to spend more money on this. i sound like a failure. man, i feel like one now. but i still have 2 more days, well 1 day to be precise and i'll try to make the best of it.

on a happier note - just came back from our dance school's event. after spending the whole day at home, supposedly to study i think i deserve few hours of break, eh *excuse.com*. we spent most of the time sitting down, observing others dancing knowing that you will never ever get to that stage. oh, we did join the group line dancing actually, though we ended up laughing more than following the others. and that oz pole dancer ... awesome!

3 Hours Attempt ..

i was in my 3rd hour of the mock exam; 120 questions answered, 80 to go. then come the calculation's question, i retrieved the paper and pen only to press the mouse accidentally and it shows some error message. no back nor refresh button can be found. taking a deep breathe in, i have to close the window and see the list of mock exam done. what's shown in the list is the attempt i made yesterday, only 5 question answered. i have no other choice but to repeat the whole process. i'm trying darn hard to control my annoyance at the moment as there's nothing but my carelessness - and the stupid mouse for being too sensitive - to blame.
a sign that i need to reschedule the exam? i wonder ...

A Supposedly Book Review But ...

we've decided from the last book club meetup to read a novel; watch the movie on the next meetup and do comparison with the book. unfortunately, i only managed to read up to chapter 4. that's because i was busy reading other books and now i have to occupy myself with some study material. *excuse.com*
anyhoooos, movie wise - though i've only read the first 4 chapters, i already find the book better than the movie (well at least the part i've read). and from the discussion i got to find out that pyle was portrayed slightly different from the book.

story wise - if you really think about it, you'll realise that each characters are actually representing their country's political view. like the vietnamese girl, she goes with whoever that could make her safe; just like the country, what they want is one peaceful vietnam regardless of it being a democratic or communist country, well at least during the war time. same goes for pyle who represents idealism.

quite sad that phuong's first impression over pyle wasn't included in the movie though. but still, overall it's a good movie and i'm definitely going to continue reading the book 'til the end.
pic courtesy of imdb.com

Defeat

i am so not ready for the exam. chances of failing: 89%

Mom ...

*mobile vibrated*

me: hello?

mom: b, you're coming home right?

me: yupe

mom: don't forget to collect my order from auntie h. also, tell her to get 20 instead of 12

me: huh? what did you order?

mom: sponge (sabut) for dish washing

me: haaaaaahhh? what's wrong with the soap (sabun) there?

mom: not soap, sponge. the sponge here is not good, won't last long

me: okay

mom: and one more thing, go to the market behind and get me dried chilli 1/2 kg

me: *sigh* again? i'm going from work, eh.

mom: it's only 1/2 kg. just stuff it inside your bag. make sure it's from that mama stall

and people wonders why i'm always busy running errands here and there everytime i'm going home. now my sister is starting to be the same though hers mostly makes me travel to little india.

still... i love you mom!

ps. i can't wait for this day to end *yawn*

Travel Note:- Sabah, Malaysia

friday, 18 april 2008

we reached sabah in the evening then went straight for dinner before heading to our b&b at kota kinabalu. luckily enough, we're the only two occupying the room. once settled we went out to "explore" whatever can be explored and ended up sitting in a pub since there's a live band playing nice songs. chitchatted over a cup of milo we decided to call it a night at 11pm and walked back to our hostel.

saturday, 19 april 2008

woke up early as we'll be fetched at 6.30 to kinabalu park before starting what we came there for - trekking. there's few other japanese and another lady that were together with us, but we're all divided into groups and me, cin and another girl were assigned to a guide name rony. and a wonderful guide he is! we were then transported to timpohon gate and started our journey up. my bag was so darn heavy; 7.5kg that at first i wanted to hire a porter for it. but i wanted to challenged myself as well so i strike a deal with the guide - he'd carry it when i couldn't take it anymore. and not even halfway through the journey i gave up. the sleeping bag is so darn heavy man! i took my own sweet time up, chatted with other porter or guide i met along the way as my guide was way behind with the other girl and cin was ahead of me. 5 hours later i saw the resthouse. yes!!

we were blessed as we're supposed to be occupying one of the shared room but since it was fully booked our agent upgraded us with no additional fee to a suite. two single bed, bathroom inside and heater!! such a waste carrying that sleeping bag. the heater didn't work though but it's alright as we managed to sleep amidst the cooling weather with our jacket on. the guide advised us not to shut the window totally to avoid altitude sickness when we wake up later.

sunday, 20 april 2008

woke up at 2am to get ready for climbing up to the summit. i was breatheless when we started climbing up the stairs that i began wondering if i'd be able to reach the top. but like my fave instructor always said "mind over body", i took a long deep breath and walked in my own pace. again, no competition. it was pretty tough but honestly i love the rope part as you got a chance to use your upper body and let your legs have a little bit of break. the journey to the summit was tough that i stopped several times just to catch my breathe before continuing on. rony spent the whole time "holding hands" with that girl. she's so very demanding man that both of us really couldn't stand it. everytime rony passed me who's resting or i passed him who's waiting for the girl he'd say "come on, you don't want to miss the sunrise" and that's what i kept telling myself to keep on moving. my energy was getting lower as i didn't have anything but a glass of milo before hand. i didn't even have my energy gum with me. the moment i saw the moon set (is there such word?) i quickened my pace in hope of watching the sunset from the summit. who am i kidding? of course that wish didn't come true. i was at km 8.5, between the donkey ears and ugly sister's peak when the sun rises and i enjoyed the view. the breathtaking view of God's creation and from there onwards i took my own sweet time to the summit. the last torturous 200m. while taking my own sweet time walking, my hand was grabbed suddenly. it was rony who kept on asking me to walk faster to the summit so that we can get back fast and not get sunburnt. cin was already there when i reached and we spent time enjoying the view, photo taking before heading down to the rest house. apparently the other girl is afraid of height (duh!) that she decided not to continue. on our way down we met her AND she wanted to go to the summit now. we were totally speechless but our guide was so darn nice that he brought her up when he's been telling us to go down faster for a rest before we started our journey down to the starting point.

i fell twice on my journey down to the guesthouse; because my shoes are quite slippery and i almost fell dowm for the 3rd time when a lady asked me something. luckily i managed to hold on to something and only had a bruise on my arms now. had breakfast when we reached the guesthouse then we started to prepare ourselves because we're only given 45mins resting time. the journey down was pretty tough because i realised my shoes don't support my ankle and i had problem balancing that several times my ankle was twisted between rocks. this time around i decided to carry my own bag as well. all in all i fell 3 times and my ankle was twisted several times, mostly to balance issue. some of the area was muddy as well hence the slippery. by km 2.5 to the starting point my left knee kinda gave way that i put all my weights on my right knee. still i have to be extra careful 'cos my right ankle was weak from the twisted i had earlier. there was a time when i couldn't control myself and the guide was telling me "don't run don't run" and all i can said was "i'm not running, i just can't control myself". i spent most of the journey down alone as again cin was ahead of me and the guide was "holding hands" with that manja girl. at one point i almost gave up because of my knee that i felt like crying asking why did i do this to myself. seeing the starting point was like seeing heaven but still there were few stairs to climb. but all in all i made it and i'm happy for not giving up on my 5hrs journey down. it started to rain when we reached the meeting point, wasn't that a bless? we rested while waiting for the girl and rony to reached then went back to the station for our late lunch. back to our hostel in kota kinabalu we decided to again explore the area even when we barely could walk. still, we managed to go to the night market before heading down to the filipino market for dinner. dinner was interesting and from there we went back to our hostel and sleep.

monday, 21 april 2008

we were picked at 7am to fly back home. bringing back with us the certificate of accomplishment, whole body aches and a great memory.

will i do it again? ask me in few months or maybe even years time. i'm still intrigue with via ferrata though. but for now i'll just enjoy my muscles aches and bruises from the fall...

One More Down

1. lose weight
2. learn to cycle cycle regularly
3. mt. kinabalu
4. run more than once a week; increase the distance
5. swim regularly
6. attend religious class regularly
7. learn to rollerblade
8. ENP
9. POWDC
10. WT
11. SCWHM
12. NT
13. learn salsa (finally after planning on doing it in 2006)

i hope i'll get more motivated now that i've revealed what's no. 1, 4, 5 and 6 on my to-do list. i'm keeping details of no. 8 -12 just for the sake of my own excitement. for now, i'm giving myself a big pat on the back for striking no. 3 off my to-do list of 2008. yessss!! 5 falls and whole bodyaches, but it's definitely worth it!

going to blog my4D3N trip later as i need to do my house chores before heading to a friend's surprise birthday dinner now. man, my whole body's aching!!

Home and Away

in 4 hours time i'll be in a plane leaving this place for a few days BUT i still haven't done my packing!! well at least i've found my gloves now ...

wish me luck on reaching the summit. wish me luck on carrying this heavy load (ambition is not to hire a porter, lets see) but i guess for now wish me luck on packing. the sleeping bag is sooo heavy!!!

pic. courtesy of travellife.btnteam.com

Anxiety

this morning i felt uneasy as the train entered the tunnel. i told myself not to be stupid and remember what my sister told me after i shared the story with her - just breathe in and istighfar. and yes, it was okay nothing happened, just a little bit of eagerness to reach my stop. i shared last night's incident with hp and shared how i used to be panic only when i'm stucked in an elevator packed with people and somehow it got worst now. and train!! i even told her about my imagination. that was when she told me that i might not be afraid of being in a dark closed space, that i might just be caught in a situation which triggered my anxiety. she reminded me on how panic i was few years back when we tried the new escalator along the underpass and couldn't open the exit door when there's no escalator down. how i almost wanted to go down from the upriding one. and all that happened at a place with glass windows, not to mentioned its during our lunch break. i thought about it and yeah i believe it's not the closed spaced that made me panic; it's the situation i am in. so i guess i need to learn on not being panicky now.

Claustrophobic

now i'm beginning to wonder if i really am claustrophobic. yes i tend to get panic when i'm inside a crowded lift and suddenly it just stopped. but as far as i know that's all. when i did caving 2 years back, i felt a blood rush while squatting and crawling inside the gave, mais c'est tout. i thought that is normal. and then came the chuchi tunnel incident where i decided to make a u-turn and went out of the tunnel upon seeing a pitch black ahead. and then today! i was reading in the train when i realised it stalled inside the short tunnel between kembangan and bedok. being imaginative doesn't help at all. my mind started making its own scenario, imagining an explosion just like in the movie. i even imagined mas selamat standing at the end of the tunnel! i felt warm and the blood rushing to my heart were faster than usual. feeling uneasy i started to pace a little eventhough i realised few people were staring at me. i felt so restless so i said a prayer silently and tried to focus back on reading, but i just couldn't. i ended up closing my eyes and uttering some prayers in my heart; opening my eyes in between to see if the train would be moving soon. i felt at ease once it moved. it stalled for just like 10mins and i was already feeling uneasy.

this is sooo not funny. imagine how many things i won't be able to do if i really have this isssue. i think i need to do some research on how to overcome this.

Live It Up...

i'm reliving my high school activities. this time around, mum and dad don't have to wait for my return in agony, wondering what sort of injury i'd be coming home with now. the scowl and the usual "until when?" is still and i reckon will always be there, but i'll face it like i always did - with a smile and a promise of not doing anything wrong ....

Thank You

thank you for the advise you gave on msn. thank you for reminding me the proper way of asking Him. thank you for reminding me to do the things i've been neglecting. thank you for the warmth sincerity i sensed in every words typed. thank you for showering my soul. thank you for reminding instead of preaching me. thank you ya, na :)

Plan Gone Wrong

instead of sleeping again after the morning prayer, i decided to execute my plan - run to east coast park followed by cycling before getting myself a good breakie on my way home. the run was good and i reaced the park few minutes before the bike store is opened. 8am i went to pick up a bike - well more like asking the guy to choose one that is good for a beginner - and went to the registration table. that was when i realised I DIDN'T BRING MY ID!! i asked politely if i could just provide them with the number instead but of course it's not prossible. oh man, i am so very truly annoyed with myself i can't even describe it with words. i replaced the cycling plan with a walk up to parkway and did my grocery shopping for the picnic later. speaking of it, i need to start preparing the salads and stuff now...

Dinner By the Golf Course

it's fine dining time again and a wonderful one indeed; the location, the ambience, the food, not to mention the company. i decided to pick the outdoor seating instead of indoor so that we can all enjoy the view and the breeze. food wise, we all chose the classic menu but requested a different antipasti as none of us eat goose liver; i chose the rucola salad. and don't get me started with the dessert. at first we asked if we could opt for other dessert but decided to stick with what's in the menu once we're told that is the best dessert. and indeed it is. it's way better compared to the one at chocolate factory. this 5-course meal costs me $120 while the others paid more as they had wine - not allowed to drink alcohol does have its advantage after all :P all of us agreed that it's worth the money spent; not that we do this kinda thing that often anyway. after all, you need to pamper yourself once in a while; and for me that means food. i can still imagine the taste of the pear shorbet. the crispiness of the thinly sliced baked bread. and the warmth of the chocolate...

alrighty, better stop imagining. gotta do my prayer and go to bed pronto. i have quite an ambitious plan for later. buenas noches...

Night at the Gym

how can i not adore that favourite instructor of mine. after missing his class for almost a year - or maybe even more - i attended today. and what do you know, he played my favourite shoulder track!! he did the same before and when i approached him saying thanks, he told me its been quite awhile since i came so he played my favourite track. so i'm sure this ain't a coincidence *geer.com*. he's definitely one good caring instructor, he really deserved winning the amazing race.

met my ex-trainer in the locker room. as expected she was surprised to see how big i've become. told her that i'm trying to be more discipline now; she touched my arms and and legs *maybe to check if the muscles have turned into fats* and said "well, you can get back in shape fast" which of course makes me feel more motivated. and i think once you've started working out, its easy to get back to where you left fast, it happened with me in pump. yes i decreased all my weights, but i'm thinking of adding a .5kg more the next time i do pump for the back and chest track. i don't know how but somehow i told her that i'd be attending her combat class tomorrow. i hope she isn't aware of my absence tomorrow *oops.

really had a nice time at the gym earlier. maybe this is a reward for declining the event and meetup tonight. and i hope i stay true to my word of being discipline ...

Trust Your Legs

lunch time is always tough as this is the time you have to decide on what to eat. supposed to meet a friend for lunch but it got postponed that gave me the power on deciding where to eat. which at times are more difficult. i'm contemplating between going to vivo for the ayam cobek or pack myself lunch from the malay stall nearby - dried squid in chilli, sambal goreng, and cucumber pickles - my favourite. still couldn't decide where to go i let my legs do the talking. somehow i ended up in robinson road but then i moved to cecil st and took a bus to rochor canal. i am now contented with the fried batagor i had for lunch.

Step Turn Go

i just came back from my 1st salsa class. yes, salsa class!! i've been wanting to do it since like 2 years ago when i realised i couldn't rely on the classes at the gym for this. but i just kept postponing it that eventually it ends up in the bottom of my list. and i can tick it off now. YAY!

it all started last week when a friend told me about a trial class and asked me to join. i didn't because well, its heroes' final episode - how can i miss that. somehow she still managed to convince me on signing up. i then managed to drag another friend along. and another girl decided to join only late last night. it ended up with 7 of us there!

it was fun and the teacher was good. we rotated every few steps as there's lesser guy *as usual* so that everyone can get a chance of trying it. but they managed to get the performers and all other intermediate students in so we all ended up with a partner, but still we do the rotate thingy. the fun was when we're with the guys we know 'cos we can chit chat and just laugh about screwing the moves. we learned the basic, turn, and the cross back lead; i think i did pretty good for my 1st class. can't wait for the next one.

List Updated

my to-do list :-

1. loose weight
2. learn to cycle cycle regularly
3. ...

*belagu.com*

but well, there are times that you need to give yourself a pat on the back....

Result of Coke Zero

i can't sleep and the best part is that i can only feel my calves. the soreness there is killing me. it was okay yesterday. it felt like something was stuck in between the calf and shin this morning that i sat on my leg alternately during office hours. applied that shoulder and neck rub on it and it felt good. it was still sore but the tennis must go on. what a wonderful 2hrs non-stop session today. my calves felt a little better during the game that i managed to run a fast. but now, its back to square one if not more. oh my...

My Sunday Life

i am happy with what i achieved today.

few days ago i casually mentioned my sunday plan to cin, cycling in the morning and doing my own vertical challenge in the evening. she immediately said she's in for the vertical thingy, which means that it is a confirmed activity. can't turn back now :)

my plan was to wake up early, do my stuff before heading down to ecp - the park, not the road. after which i'd go home and do my house chores before meeting cin for the climbing. but of course doing cycling alone means chance of the plan cancelled is very high. and it almost was. i forced myself to leave the house around 9.30AM, 1.5hrs later than my original plan. i told myself that it's okay to skip b&b and focus on striking off what's the top priority in my to-do list. to cut the story short - i reached ecp, rented a bike, put my sunglasses on to conceal myself from embarassment in case something happened, and i started paddling. and I AM HAPPY! i managed to cycle straight, well of course few minor zig zag still occured, from the bike shop until the end of the park, close to fort rd there. and i only stopped twice. i stopped twice again on my way back to the bike shop because i was panic after trying to cut someone in front of me and loads of bicycles came from the opposite side. but still i am very happy that i managed to cycle and enjoy the sea view at once, i no longer focus on the road in front of me all the time. happy happy happy! i rewarded myself by having a plate of siomay bandung and teh botol; packed ayam penyet for later from waroeng penyet.

i went home, rest awhile and left again as soon as i'm done with my obligation. vertical challenge time. supposed to be done at 5ish but cin went to the morning service and requested for it to be earlier if possible. on our way there i told her that my friend was staying in that flat and that i've warned her of us stopping by in case we need some rest. she then suggested to ask yol along, so we stopped by her place and dragged her out to join us, LOL. we went to 1st floor and started climbing the stairs. i realised that their steps are lesser than my place, guess that's how new hdbs are. we climbed until the 40th story and started to climb down afterwards. it ain't that tough that we decided to do another round of climbing. this was when the exhaustion kicked in. i was breatheless when we reached 20th storey but still we managed to reached the last floor again and climbed 3 storeys down to yol's place, after which we left to find some stuff and ended up walking for another 2-3 hours. ended the day with a plate of pempek - velocity has the best pempek i've tasted in singapore.

its definitely an interesting workout, thrilled exhausted but i truly enjoyed it. and i'm thinking of making this sunday morning cycling a habit, any takers? ;)

Counting Down

a swim at night. 45 mins of foot reflexiology. home-cooked dinner. movie. blanket. candles. me, myself, and i.

8 more hours to go. can't wait .....

My Running Story

together with hp, i did pump on monday. we haven't been doing pump for almost a year that both of us were having tough time on tuesday, struggling hard just to sit and stand. still i forced myself to do combat yesterday even when i couldn't balance myself well after each kick. and today together with hp i did our weekly run. both of us was laughing when we started running because well, we couldn't! our thighs are as stiff as a log that she said she ran with a straight leg. i ran so very slow as well. and from all the run we had, today was actually one of the interesting one. from some tourist chanting "hop hop hop hop" to another tourist clapping his hand and said "come on, hop hop hop" a few metres away from the first one. reaching clarke quay area a lady commented about us to her friend in french to which i looked at her and said "merci" in return. i kinda gave up once we reached river valley and walked a bit. an indian guy looked at me saying "come on, you can do it. go go go" which well didn't motivate me to start again. once i stopped my leg was back to being a log. i managed to continue though and both of us finally reached our starting point again.

from there we went for dinner, my first prata bomb. again, the old man was very kind and kept on asking me to comment on his food just like gurmit did on tv. hp wanted to try one putu piring; the lady was confused because apparently nobody ever asked for just one that she ended up giving it FOC *hp likes it and bought some for her parents anyways*. we had a simple yet nice dinner and while we're eating an old man who was stopping nearby said "eat eat eat" when we looked at him. lol.

we both agreed that today was the most interesting run we've ever had. and i kinda feel that all these small little nicely gestures from people around us were like a reward for our determination to run even when the legs are as stiff as a log.

sometimes all we need is just to push ourself a little bit harder...