Runaway

you know when at one moment you're laughing your heart out, feeling happy and contented then suddenly you feel you want to get away from everything, from where you are for something new?
i'm feeling it now :\

Two More .. Two More ... down!

• Visit ground Zero
• Go B.A.S.E Jumping/Wingsuiting
• Get a British accent
• Travel to every country in the world
• Learn lots other languages
• Own a ferret
• Go to Africa/climb Kilimanjaro
• hanglide
• See the Aurora
• See Great Wall of China
• See the Redwoods
• See pyramids
• Get rich quick and have a huge seaside mansion with a yacht and a fleet of Private Jets
• See the Pope
• See a shuttle launch
• See the Olympics or be in them
• Attend 1 or many new years celebrations in new york
• Explore Australia/ ayers rock
• Swim with dolphins - assuming feeding wild dolphins count?
• Be an extra in a film
• Own a room with a view
• Buy a round-the-world air ticket and a rucksack, and run away
• Be a member of the audience in a TV show
• Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia
• Write the novel you know you have inside you
• Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich
• Go through all of the Musee du Louvre - haven't go through all though
• Parasail
• Be a rebel
• Go Zorbing
• Work on an “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” Show
• Crash a wedding
• Ride a motorcycle along the Great Wall of China
• Have waffles in Belgium
• Be at the top of the Eiffel Tower at night
• See a real igloo
• Shower in a waterfall
• See a lunar eclipse
• Walk to the top of the Empire state Building
• Tell Donald trump “Your Fired”
• Hallucinate
• Spend the New Year in Australia (first)
• Experience weightlessness
• Skydive from space or high altitude (200,000 feet-275,000)
• Sleep under the stars
• Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country
• Go wild in Rio during Carnival
• Forgive your parents --> they are never at fault anyway ..
• Drive the AutobahnRaft through the Grand Canyon
• Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring
• Accept yourself for who you are
• Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef
• Go up in a hot-air balloon
• Attend one really huge rock concert -> bon jovi qualifies, yes? ;)
• Kiss the Blarney stone and develop the gift of gab
• Go deep sea fishing and eat your catch
• Make yourself spend a half-day at a concentration camp and swear never to forget
• See the Statue of Liberty
• Catch a ball in the stands of a major league baseball stadium
• Look into your child's eyes, see yourself, and smile
• Listen to the Dalai Lama Speak
• See the Taj Mahal
• Bunji Jump
• Go to see the Aztec Pyramids
• See the house you grew up in
• Go whale watching
• Queue for something for at least 24 hours
• Stage Dive
• Make someone cry of happiness
• Sponsor a child
• Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris and people watch
• Touch one of the Royal family
• Visit Area 51
• Visit Machu Picchu
• Spend a day at Disney land being a kid
• Write down your goals and then do something about them
• A winter in Hawaii, spring in London, summer in the Alps, fall in New England
• Take a year off
• Live abroad
• Visit Italy
• Live life to the Fullest -> within limit, that is ...
• Walk down Abbey Road
• Fly a plane
• Follow the Nile and see the pyramids
• Sail around the World
• Visit all of Europe (Iceland too), new-Zealand, Australia, Japan, Ghana
• Visit the moon
• Admit you are WRONG about EVERYTHING
• Explore Russia
• To be able to say....in everything...whether success, or failure...I Tried
• Go on a cruise
• See all the seven wonders of the world
• Meet Michael Jackson and laugh at his plastic nose -- impossible now that he's dead :\
• See Niagara Falls
• See the CN Tower sing in the rain!
• Watch the sunrise on a mountain
• See Stonehenge
• Question everything you take for granted.
• Read the Classics
• Catch fireflies at sunset
• Dye your hair
• Meet a King or Queen
• break a world record
• do all the things your parents told you not to
• Ride a Motorcycle
• Climb the 7 summits
• Waterfall jumping
• See the Anne Frank House
• See the Hollywood Sign
• Sell ice to an Eskimo
• Spelunk
• Learn some dirty jokes that would make a nun laugh
• Have a secret hiding place
• Run thorough a car wash
• Run with the bulls in Pamplona

Gone

instead of adding it back as planned, i accidentally removed if ... for good.
maybe this is God's intervention, telling me that a clear cut is what i need.

Solo Trip

a little incident during hari raya eve only confirm the fact that one can never be alone for long ...
i don't want and i hope i won't be forever ...

QUAND?

when will i stop, i wonder.
2 weeks to a month to fasting month; 9 days of ramadhan left and i said hari raya. when will i seriously quit?
i don't like this, man ...

A Little Prayer for You ...

when you miss someone so much and there's nothing you can do about it, just send a prayer to God; let Him be the messenger ...
God, you know what's in my heart, what i'm feeling now. please take good care of it, let it smile knowing that someone out there is thinking of it ...

Reach Out for the Stars

catching up with an ex-colleague during lunch time reminded me of my dreams. maybe it's time to head back to that path again after 4mths of side tracking. maybe that is what God wants me to focus on now, hence all the disappointment i've been experiencing. let's get back on track ...

The Art of Letting Go

had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. him sharing how he went to depression and all couldn't help but made me think of the other person. could it be the same scenario? when i shared the incident, this friend of mine smiled and nodded his head. so they could be in the same situation. the only difference is that one tries to move on while the other one, i have no clue. no clue at all. part of me wish i could be there to lend a helping hand, but the other part of me reminded me that it will never happen. like this friend of mine said, the only person who can help you is yourself. i so wish i could be helping you if you are really in this situation, though ...

anyways, it's been more than a week since the last appearance.

sometimes it feels like a hide&seek game though somehow i always ended tasting my own medicine :?

is this God's answer my prayer? i don't know but i guess i had enough of this guessing game.

not my fault. and definitely not my lost.

time to move on to living a life that shines like a diamond (this i quote from bon jovi hehe)

Hold My Hand ...

i love this song!

no matter how far i might be ..
i'm always gonna be your neighbour ..
so let's pray for a beautiful world..
a beautiful world i share with you ..

2010

there's something about 2010 and my girlfriends - 2 weddings and now an engagement! i am SO very happy for them and i wish one day, soon .. soon .. the happiness spread to me too; slow but sure.
i am not ashame to admit that i don't want to be single forever. i am not desperate, but i think i have enough of singlehood.

TOUGH!

thank You God, for giving me yet another chance to come face to face with Ramadhan. thank YOU
last year ramadhan was quite a disaster for me, project made me spent the whole weekdays breaking fast at work as it coincides with the conference call we have. but of course, there was a blessing too. i had my 1st and 2nd interview during this holy month. interviews that brought me to where i am today.
this year i aim to be better than last year. i hope its not just an excitement that will go down as time pass by .. as i enter the 2nd 3rd and alas the last week. for that, i hope God give me the chance to complete the whole 30days, that i am able to come face to face with Syawal.
this year is also a test for me. i told myself that this is the time i should must use to forget that stupid idiocy i've been doing for the past 4months. i've broke a promise to myself last saturday by giving it another try. this time though, i think curiousity saves the cat from having all its 9 lives gone. it moved me from being curious to annoyed, or maybe even angry. after all the effort i put in, the pride i risk .. that's all i got? *fuming*
oh well ...
as i said, i've told myself this is the time to move on. it was easier said thand done, to be honest. i don't know but its tougher today compared to yesterday. maybe this is my test. but i know i have to. for my own benefit.
oh well, i don't know what i'm writing now .. better stop.

Random ...

life is simple, i just make it messy for myself ...

counting down to the days where i have to fulfill the promise i made to myself - move on, let go. no more waiting. forget it! tough i know but i had to, for my own good. to be honest, there's no one's fault to begin with. i was the one who fell into the trap, blindly. should've known better. oh well, move on ...

the agent emailed for decision. i don't know what to decide. i ended up telling him what i really feel. i just don't want to waste my money and my time, having high hopes and all only to get them all washed away. let's see what he'd say ...

sometimes you wonder what life has in store for you. but this morning, during the train journey to work i just realised that sometimes the life you want is not meant to be yours. sometimes, that kinda life is just not for you to experience it. God knows best, that's the only consolation i gave myself. sad, but oh well ...

my grandauntie passed away recently, my auntie might be in the midst of an operation now. the first one has no immediate family to grieve for her whilst the other has loads of kids to take care of her. i can't help but ask myself, what will happen to me in the old age - no one to pray for me when i die. no one to take care of me when i'm sick. i don't want this kinda ending but, how could i change it? i can't believe i'm saying this but i kinda give up on the hopes i used to have.

another 5 days ...
that's what i told myself - another 5days to move on ...

Missing

something is missing, there's a hole in me .. but i don't know what. well actually i know but i refuse to acknowledge it, for my own good.
work is hectic but it keeps me motivated thanks to all the interesting stuff i am learning along the way. maybe i should start having more activities over the weekend so as not to feel this way.

Hang On or Move On?

had a very awkward conversation with mum earlier, getting something out of my chest as advised by the 'wise man'. mum's question made me speechless for a few seconds. i don't know how to answer it. but of course, mothers will never disappoint their kids. anyways, it feels like something heavy has been lifted from me.
honestly? i hope the 'wise man' is right and i hope this is the end of the current episodes and i am oh so looking ahead to some new episodes - a better one that is.
but then again, a short text messages from a friend made me revealed something to her - 'and what made me look depressed few weeks ago. it feels like my only hope had evaporated'
part of me just wants to give up but the other part says 'hang in there'.
God, i leave it to YOU to decide 'cos everything is out of my control now ...

the aftermath ...

i'm beginning to realise how foolish i am on my behaviour for the past few weeks. friends have been reminding me lately and m's message made me realised its time to let go. held you head high and move on. easier said than done, but it has to be that way. it MUST be.

i have to admit that i still linger on the idea, on the thought .. on the hope. but come on, who am i kidding .. it is so obvious, blocked i might be.

sometimes i wonder if the initiative i took on april 28th is the worst decision i've ever made :?

oh well, life goes on .. with or without.

have you lost your way?

livin' in the shadow of the
messes that you made and so it goes

everything inside your circle starts to overflow

take a step before you leap

into the colours that you seek

you'll get back what you give away

so don't look back on yesterday

wanna scream out .. no more hiding

don't be afraid of what's inside

gonna tell ya you'll be alright

in the aftermath

anytime anybody pulls you down

anytime anybody says you're not allowed

just remember you are not alone

in the aftermath

adopt

maybe it's time to adopt my colleague's motto
I DON'T F**KING CARE!

Reason

sometimes i wonder what is the reason God put me in this world for ..

to be a corporate slave that is stuck between office politics?
to be a failure in life that even the only thing i want is the only thing i couldn't have?
to be sorry for myself all the time like what i am doing now?

i know i shouldn't feel that way. i have so many blessings bestowed upon me already. its just happened that the two big projects happened at the same time and its a one man show. but ..
do you think they will look back into all these and reward me good? i don't think so.
not working, is that an option? definitely no ...

i am SO depressed now; when people turn suicidal i'll just turn into a cry baby.
every dark cloud has its silver lining; i'm just waiting for mine ...

a question

when will YOU answer my prayer? i'm tired of YOU know what. i have no doubt that YOU will answer it at the right time if it is right for me. please please please grant that wish of mine. YOU are my only hope. amien.

Its *mad* all over again ...

i told myself that today will be the last chance from my end. pathetically, i prepared myself for something that from the beginning i know wouldn't happen. so i guess this is it. is it really it? honest to God, i don't know. part of me knows that it is while the other part is still trying so hard to hold on to something that has nothing to hold on to, if i am being honest to myself.

is it better to follow your heart or follow your mind/logic? only time will tell ...

*have a blessed birthday ...

Maybe ...

had a very deep conversation with few friends earlier. an issue with the 10yrs marriage. and issue with the 3yrs relationship. a hubby facing midlife crisis. a boyfriend who seems to have a commitment issue. i listened to each of them intently and started to take all these as a lesson and implemented it to myself. i seriously can't imagine myself being in the position of this girlfriend, let alone the wifey.

maybe it's true that men who having midlife crisis are difficult to rationalised with.

maybe it's true that men who've been single for so long have difficulty in commitment. and,

maybe it's time for me to let go the idea that makes me still hung onto *that*

it also made me realise .. whether you're married, in a relationship, or single, you're bound to face some issue; God is afterall, fair.

Ironic

i got my closure, well maybe not but at least i have peace with myself.
everything in the list is checked, checked and checked. then you realised you never think of that one thing; and it's there! unchecked?

Lesson Learned ...

i got it. i fell for the idea, for the fact that after almost 11 yrs of living here, there's finally some excitement. and then my ego got bruised. and i thought it was something else, when the fact is that i couldn't accept that it's me .. ME! who's pride got tarnished.
oh well, God has His own way in teaching us human; this is His way of remindin me to treat others with respect - tell them instead of let them hang. brushing things off easily ain't right now that you know how it feels to be the victim ...

i am a diamond, not a pig ; therefore, i ought to behave like one ...

Not Hard Enough

i seriously thought God has answered my (and mom's) prayer. what do you know ...

Gone To Soon

my hope for having it longer doesn't come true. i am totally disappointed. heart broken, maybe. it feels like i'm facing the male me.
oh well, life goes on ...

fade away

looks like i can't hope too much. guess i have high expectation too fast. oh well, c'est la vie ...

smile

how can i not have a smile on my face when what i read always makes me smile. it will be good if i can keep smiling for a long more .. and maybe more after that ...

plunge

so i took the plunge - wrote. checked. sent.
let's just hope curiousity "saves" the cat, after all i believe i deserve it ...

miss ya ...

when it's off peak season at work, there's only one thing i miss - the fun chat i used to have.
oh well ...

shallow ...

people said i'm shallow and i think it's okay to be shallow, after all it's your life; until it fired back ...
'not fair', you can't judge without knowing the reason why. and to think i feel bad for not being an open book ...
oh well, i'll swallow my pride and move on ...

fly me to the moon ...

the idea of being kidnapped and sent to an island far far away sounds so very tempting at the moment. i don't know why, but out of a sudden i feel oh SO lonely; it's been awhile (years actually) since i feel this way :(

realisation ...

i don't know why or how, but during the classical concert earlier my mind just wandered off and suddenly i came to a conclusion - just friends, nothing more nothing less ...

Priorities

it suddenly hit me - on my journey to work - that i don't list down my priorities properly. so many times i thought about it. so many times i told myself, oh well .. you only live once so make the best of it. but now that i think about it, since you only live once, don't you also want to list your priorities carefully?!

i looked at my reflection on the train's glass and asked myself "you're 36. when will you start behaving like one?"

i think i have to start changing it not tomorrow, not next week but now.

starting with seriously losing some weight followed by setting a proper standard and me a little more open, not striking things off just because of one thing or another.

i promise i will change. i will. i have to.

Sien*

*if i'm not wrong that means annoyed/bored in cantonese/hokkien/mandarin?

anyways ...

i seriously need a break from all these emails. and i'm getting seriously concern with not being able to touch any trainings. yupe was given 2 half-day break next week but come on, how am i to be involved in my role if i'm stuck with this. and i kinda sense that some of them forgotten that i'm just assisting, not part of the core team. maybe it's time to remind them a little bit.

it is good, i know; but isn't it better if i am giving a chance to really focus on my main role? i am for sure going to bring this up on my next updating session with the overseas guy.

all this lead to one thing :- i seriously need a getaway, away from singapore for a bit!

Totally Random

just need to get few mins away from the emails ...

had a good mid-year review last week, just when i thought i got a great counsellor he dropped the bomb - he has tendered. i just hope the next counsellor i'd be assigned to is my boss. anyways, i voiced out my concern and was given wonderful advise. i can say he really boost my confidence level with all the confident he had in me. and yes sir, will surely follow all the tips you shared!

on another note - guess what! i spent US$120 over something i would never in a million years think of getting. what's wrong with me, i seriously have no idea. anyway it's a done deal. and together with a friend we're planning of doing the unthinkable. i'm sure in few years time, i will look back at all these, shaking my head wondering what demon had possessed me then.

mom and dad are back in town, this time around for mom's knee. they kinda gave me a 'surprise' visit, being home when i came back from KL. duh! guess they have to bare with some messiness, then haha.

13 days of leave not to mention the forever growing number of time offs to clear by june 2010. where should i go? i have SO many places in mind but not that SO much money, dang!

just got a news that hp is leaving too, woohooo happy for her. now it's only left with you know who and the truth shall reveal soon.. God is good!

and with that i end my entry for today ...

One more down!

• Visit ground Zero
• Go B.A.S.E Jumping/Wingsuiting
• Get a British accent
• Travel to every country in the world
• Learn lots other languages
• Own a ferret
• Go to Africa/climb Kilimanjaro
• hanglide
• See the Aurora
• See Great Wall of China
• See the Redwoods
• See pyramids
• Get rich quick and have a huge seaside mansion with a yacht and a fleet of Private Jets
• See the Pope
• See a shuttle launch
• See the Olympics or be in them
• Attend 1 or many new years celebrations in new york
• Explore Australia/ ayers rock
• Swim with dolphins - does feeding wild dolphins count?
• Be an extra in a film
• Own a room with a view
• Buy a round-the-world air ticket and a rucksack, and run away
• Be a member of the audience in a TV show
• Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia
• Write the novel you know you have inside you
• Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich
• Go through all of the Musee du Louvre
• Parasail
• Be a rebel
• Go Zorbing
• Work on an “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” Show
• Crash a wedding
• Ride a motorcycle along the Great Wall of China
• Have waffles in Belgium
• Be at the top of the Eiffel Tower at night
• See a real igloo
• Shower in a waterfall
• See a lunar eclipse
• Walk to the top of the Empire state Building
• Tell Donald trump “Your Fired”
• Hallucinate
• Spend the New Year in Australia (first)
• Experience weightlessness
• Skydive from space or high altitude (200,000 feet-275,000)
• Sleep under the stars
• Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country
• Go wild in Rio during Carnival
• Forgive your parents --> they are never at fault anyway ..
• Drive the AutobahnRaft through the Grand Canyon
• Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring
• Accept yourself for who you are
• Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef
• Go up in a hot-air balloon
• Attend one really huge rock concert -> bon jovi qualifies? ;)
• Kiss the Blarney stone and develop the gift of gab
• Go deep sea fishing and eat your catch
• Make yourself spend a half-day at a concentration camp and swear never to forget
• See the Statue of Liberty
• Catch a ball in the stands of a major league baseball stadium
• Look into your child's eyes, see yourself, and smile
• Listen to the Dalai Lama Speak
• See the Taj Mahal
• Bunji Jump
• Go to see the Aztec Pyramids
• See the house you grew up in
• Go whale watching
• Queue for something for at least 24 hours
• Stage Dive
• Make someone cry of happiness
• Sponsor a child
• Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris and people watch
• Touch one of the Royal family
• Visit Area 51
• Visit Machu Picchu
• Spend a day at Disney land being a kid
• Write down your goals and then do something about them
• A winter in Hawaii, spring in London, summer in the Alps, fall in New England
• Take a year off
• Live abroad
• Visit Italy
• Live life to the Fullest -> within limit, that is ...
• Walk down Abbey Road
• Fly a plane
• Follow the Nile and see the pyramids
• Sail around the World
• Visit all of Europe (Iceland too), new-Zealand, Australia, Japan, Ghana
• Visit the moon
• Admit you are WRONG about EVERYTHING
• Explore Russia
• To be able to say....in everything...whether success, or failure...I Tried
• Go on a cruise
• See all the seven wonders of the world
• Meet Michael Jackson and laugh at his plastic nose -- impossible now that he's dead :\
• See Niagara Falls
• See the CN Tower sing in the rain!
• Watch the sunrise on a mountain
• See Stonehenge
• Question everything you take for granted.
• Read the Classics
• Catch fireflies at sunset
• Dye your hair
• Meet a King or Queen
• break a world record
• do all the things your parents told you not to
• Ride a Motorcycle
• Climb the 7 summits
• Waterfall jumping
• See the Anne Frank House
• See the Hollywood Sign
• Sell ice to an Eskimo
• Spelunk
• Learn some dirty jokes that would make a nun laugh
• Have a secret hiding place
• Run thorough a car wash
• Run with the bulls in Pamplona

First for the year ..

HAPPY 2010, everyone!

not that it's any difference from any other day but people normally want to start anew, afresh with the new digits. i personally have no resolution, well that is if you don't say "not to have any resolution" is a resolution by itself ;)

anyways, just taking a few mins break from work - invading people's privacy can be darn tiring especially when you have like 37Kish email to read within 2 weeks time *faint*. and i heard more than a million is coming soon, gosh! seems like we're stuck in this freezer until june. i hope against the mother of all hopes that the other engagement starts soon; i am not doing my main role here. and when there's nothing else, i'd be here all the time. my indirect boss is waiting for me to be release from here so that i could start all sorts of reading etc haha, i'll give him a shock when i update him next week. i'm still trying to understand how things work here. yes i've been told that at times we're doing everything but i actually hope to learn the technology aspects more whenever i have spare time, but it seems like i can't run from this project :\ oh well, i'm gonna put all this in my mid year review that's for sure ...

on another note, 2010 huh. how time flies whether or not you're having fun. but nah, life is too short to dwell in the negative aspect of anything. i hope to achieve more this year - be it mentally or spiritually. i seriously want to be a better person in the eyes of God, an obedient daughter, a better friend and of course leading a healthier lifestyle! yeah right, 2nd week of january and i've only hit the gym once! body is still aching from tuesday's pump but seriously need to push myself harder man.

that aside, i hope to cover more places too this year. might be a bit harder with how things work in this new role, but never try never know. and this leads to another thing - money money money!!. let's save more diligently this year, shall we?

ok then, time's up. better get back to work. oh and you know what, it might be a new year but i'm still having the same songs playing on my MP3 - all from the same singer, JGS *die*.