Reflections

few more hours before 2011 disappears and a new number appears. it's not a biggie, it's just a number i know. but with all the things going on we started to reflect on our life - the bad, the good and all. we wonder if there is something we could do to make our future better, to make it a more meaningful life.
and so i am doing my own reflections ...

2011 :-
* a number of friends left the country for good, moving on. me? i'm still stuck in this country
* a number of cousins got married. me? i'm still not sure what i should do to even meet someone
* few people i know had a great career advancement. me? let's see what the next appraisal has for me

i can't say i have any regrets but yes i wish i could react differently in some situation.

so what's 2012 for me?

nothing much but i hope in this year i'd be more diligent with my income and also smart with my body - workout more. save more. and with God's permission, meet someone.
YES i know i have to work on them, there is no such thing as miracle. so yes, i'll try my best and work hard on them!

i don't have a lot of friends anymore in this country, but what i have left i hold dearly in my heart and i keep reminding myself that what matters are quality over quantity - so what if my weekends were not as busy as before. and i should start using this free weekends to work harder in achieving my dreams!!

other than that? i just wish to be happy; if possible happier than i am now.

i started writing with so many things in my mind but now i just want to stop writing and continue my drama :D

if you're reading this, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012
may we continue striving for the best, learn from our past mistakes and live life with no regrets

2012

as 2012 approaches, everyone started having their own resolution. i am one who doesn't do that but hey, lets not be hypocrite and admit that secretly i told myself 'in this new year i should be better'
so though i don't have any resolution - to say - i am to STOP or maybe cut down on taking taxi and be more savvy with my income.
wouldn't it be great to have a place to call my own soon ...

oh WOW

i've never been humiliated for being a single until last saturday's event. and to think all that happened just because i was trying to make someone happy!
a part of me wanted revenge. the other part of me just felt sorry for myself.
yes i wanted to try harder but i too have to accept the fact that in reality, it ain't that simple!

Words

the more i waste my energy on words, the less convinced i will be of what i'm saying, and it will be the easier to get the better of me ...

- aleph, paulo coelho

Question

one .. just one ..

WHEN?

Let Me

this afternoon. the glimpse ...
allow me to have my own interpretation of it. even if it's a wrong one, even when the numbers are so against me let alone the others, please allow me to enjoy and keep it with me.

Action!

they said the person who can safe yourself is you!
i've done my share; lets see if any changes gonna come

Affirmation

1. i want to lose the 16kgs (or maybe even more!) i've gained for the past few years
2. i want to be in control of my body and my appetite, not the other way around
3. i want to complete my marathon this year in less than 5hrs
4. i want to feel happy when i look at a picture of myself
5. i want to leave bad things behind, include that 'what-if' playing in my mind since april 2010
6. i want to be positive in every single way as positive attracts positive life
7. hopefully i can meet someone before the year ends .. this might be difficult but hey, positive attitude!!

come tomorrow morning, everything starts anew!

Bring me the Sun

beach holiday? didn't expect that, though i know it's just another way of making use of others. but wait a minute. friends don't do that. will keep that in mind. whether it'll stay there or eventually gone, let time answer that ...

Defeat

it's tough to look at defeat in the eyes and smile. but life goes on and people move on. just never give up and keep trying for the best. someday, it will be your time ...

Message

ok, i'm crazy

every now and then i take a peek. not that i want anything, i'm just curious. ok not true. i secretly hope a window will appear.

but now i asked myself: do i really want it? yes there is that part of me who wish for it, after all i'm a human being. but knowing how i'd be, do i really want to head down that road again? NO!

so, i guess it's better to not care. i HAVE to not care. don't want. don't care.

Belated

i remember the date. but when the day came, i totally forget about it. i sent a wish last year. but this year, even if i didn't forget, i wouldn't.
i can safely say that you have been erased from my mind. not totally 'cos sometimes the story surfaced and the curiosity took over. but there is nothing more than that.
i'm happy and for that .. happy belated birthday to you!

Positive Attitude

tomorrow remarks my 13th year in this country. i might have not achieve all the things i want. but if there's nothing stopping me what's keeping me here? i'm still waiting for the answer to that.

meanwhile, enough feeling blue. enough feeling like a crap.

GET OUT. DRESS UP. WORK OUT. AND GET YOURSELF WHAT YOU WANT!

(No) Way Out

i saw a picture of the drinks and my mind turned wild. i can't control what's going on and to be honest i don't even know if i would like it if the idea turns real. but i couldn't help it.

just yesterday i received something and i was close to getting crazy trying to decrypt it when it is just a plain simple one.

the last time i experienced it i told myself no i am not into it. but whenever i don't know what's happenning, the whereabouts i became nuts. and the sad thing is that i have no rights to know what's going on.

this is SO not healthy. i seriously need to find a way out. i seriously need to work on how to fulfill the promise i made to myself, parading it.

Random

watching a teenage series, i got this conclusion:- it's not the subject ... it's the idea that creates my non-stop thinking

and from a friend i got this:- God didn't give you who you want. instead God gives you what you need ... to teach you, to hurt you, to love you and make you exactly the way you should be

and yes, i learned!

Anger Management

i have been angry for so long that it scared me. isn't it amazing how some people can bring out the worst in you. my ex-boss told me once 'if you are not happy with how things are working, make a change, take an action. if you don't want to then just shut up'. he of course shut up for quite a while and then took the action. i remember that everytime i am faced with the one who bring the worst out of me. for now, i'll just shut up and keep my eyes on the long-term goal.
today i decided while staying in focus might be a little tough, why not make some short-term goal and keep your eyes on it without letting the long-term goal disappear! so yeah, i have few short-term goal i'd like to achieve:

• let's get back on the game of running: 5km. 10km. 15km. 21km. and back to the marathon with a better timing this year, please.


• let's aim on getting myself an international driving license, shall we?

let's focus on these two for now. and let's see whether or not i strike it off!

Again

it's closed ... again.
maybe this is a final sign. God's way of giving me time to adjust. and in few more days i'll make my final decision - i'm done with it!

Blessings ...

on my way to work, the phone rang. dad's number. what's up i wonder. picked it up and heard mom's voice

'whatever you want to do, if you think it's good for your future, you have our blessings. your dad has given his permission so if you think it's good, do it'

i asked about my sister's plan and what i got is a 'don't think about your sister. she is married and all. you just think of yourself, of your future and whatever you think best for you, you got our blessings'

tears just started to flow. how can i not be touched. at the same time it made me feel bad for not being able to make them happy.

life is good when you have great parents - what more can i ask for...

Time Flies

it's been a year ...

Inconclusive

so how was it, a friend asked. it was okay, i guess. it started okay then along the way i started to think about adding something and couldn't wait for it to end and all that. it felt good, kinda like a good ending.
until few days later when the old thing started to creep up again.
so what did you think about it, the next question. i don't know. pretty confuse actually. definitely none of those mentioned but still wondering. i guess that's what happened when you're being in this situation for so long. all you need is just a little bit to wonder if it will be a repeating stuff. actually, the big part is good.
she smiled. i smiled. for all you know the result is good, she said again. no, it wouldn't be because of the different objective.
everyone needs experience in life. guess this is mine...

C'est La Vie

it's hard to put on a strong face when you're breaking inside

life moves on though ...

Deja vu

it started from an invitation. more like checking the 'rain check', i guess. i was reluctant but then i decided to give it a go. maybe i'm still curious or maybe because i don't know how to say otherwise. anyway, let's just take it as a test.

i know how the outcome would be even before sitting for the test. and i kinda make a promise to myself, that one day ... one fine day, i'll be the one parading it. and when that day come, i hope there's an 'if only ...' coming out from another party. bad i know, but i just want that!

during the time i was bored. why did i do what i did before. but at the same time, i can feel some happinness. i passed the test! and a new criteria came up - a 'wouldn't it be great if'. the whole thing kinda remind me of sara bareilles. seriously counting down 'cos there's no street to look out to start counting the cars.

day goes by. and it's creeping again. i guess it'll continue this way. until i fulfill that promise i made to myself. meanwhile ... let's just enjoy this deja vu.

Realisation

doing this transcribing makes me realised that i have so much more potential than this. at this age, with these experience I can be much much more than I am now!

Determine

a friend said: try again, it's worth the effort. be thick skinned.

i said: no, thank you.

but i'm determine - before my age turn to another one, i will make it. either getting one or getting out of this. i want to change. i need to change. i will change this!

Definitely Not

yes, it is not meant to be. definitely not. i've known it for so long; and as if that's not enough, another announcement was made - gone to africa. hah! missed it last year, gonna miss it this year as well. and i thought i'd be getting one (and was waiting to see it, actually) extra wish this year.

won't be hidden let alone removed. it will stay there as a reminder to myself - never to assume anything fast.

(un)Lucky?

the more you compare yourself with others, the more down you'll be. someone is definitely prettier than you, luckier than you. BUT someone out there is also not as lucky as you. if you miss the boat because you're not as pretty as the other person, or lose the chance because you're not as lucky as the other people, what can you do: mourn like there's no other tomorrow until you fall into depression? nah, mourn and move on! something better is waiting for you. afterall, beauty is in the eye of the beholder ...
the key to happinness is one and only one: contentment ...

Fixed!

i'm taking the closed wall as a sign from the above. today is the last day for peeking. let the next two months be the practice period and come march, the turning point ... zip! my turn to close. and on the 1st *anniversary* ... shutdown!

now baby, make yourself proud ...

Acomodador*

acomodador is the giving-up point. the event in out life that is responsible for us failing to progress. one should go beyond this point, to find the acomodador and work on it in order to conquer your own obsession.

my acomodador? a lot! though i can't really point out any, i know i have some ...

i guess the important thing is to be honest with yourself and to work on it?

so, what is yours?

*acomodador is a concept introduced by coelho in his book, the zahir.

Working on My Zahir

in order to lessen the power, i have to stop peeking at everything surrounding it - the people, the activities, the comments, everything.
let's start it now ...

Zahir

it was all good, so so good after reading the book. its about obsession. its about letting go. its about having peace with yourself, acknowledging the fact that sometimes you intrepret pride as love/caring/what-have-yous. that sometimes you just to accept things as the way they are. everything has its own time and place, we just have to wait and in the meantime, enjoy the present and not let that obsession (zahir) interferes with your life.

i'm having the peace. i'm having peace with myself.

and then it happened ...

that stooooopid message. i was annoyed. i controlled myself. and i kinda won the battle. at least i thought so. until now, little by little it's creeping again. i have to win this battle against myself.

and then the book said 'every story needs to reach its end' ...