Ambitious

I always think I am a laid back person, but as the year goes by I realized one thing - I am ambitious!

So, I am just a team member in my new job. I can see few colleagues, one who joined on the same time as me leading the team. I know I can do that job, I have been leading and managing a job and I am itchy to do it again. But I also admitted the fact that this industry, this domain knowledge is very new to me whereas the team lead has all the experience already - either from within this company, or from the industry.

So I told myself this - give me 2 years to be greedy and learning everything there is to learn; then move on. To another team? To another firm? I have no clue.
If it's within the same firm, I would like to move back to investigations although my background is data. To be honest, I want a job that allows me to travel - unfortunately though the pay is much better, this place doesn't involved travelling.

I have gone through the list of available jobs in the market and I think I am to be a head of either risk or compliance related role. I know I can do it, all I need is the opportunity and the strong will to never give up.

But for now, I'll focus on learning.

I WILL Survive

Dad was hospitalized last week and so I went home, work from hospital to focus on him. All these while we always focus on mum, so I think in a way this is the only time dad received proper attention from us all.
Thankfully he is out and about, though we still will monitor him. And I intend to go home again this weekend - anything for my parents!

This caused a little set back on my savings target. I am not complaining, after all he spent all his money on us! I already told myself, cutting back 1/2 of my month property savings is not a big deal. BUT then I signed another contract with my trainer :( and this will set me back for 2 months. And I have few holidays in line.

It makes me re-assess my financial status and told myself, I will reduce my tight savings by 20% so that I have proper travel and emergency fund. That way when something comes up I don't have to change my monthly savings for property but just use this fund.

On another note, I have lost a few more .. not that significant but at least there is some progression.
As of this morning: 66.8kg (though the weighing machine in the locker showed 67 :|)

Starting point - 70.2
present - 66.8

Now, I am trying to be diligent .. I aim not to touch that savings still and live on $140 for the next 2 weeks - let's see .. let's see ... I WILL SURVIVE!

Ambitious or not Contented?

So a friend of mine recently got a job in one of the awesome technology company in the world - free meals, nice view and I can imagine the package he's bringing home.
Somehow I felt challenge and wanted something more than what I have now. Ambitious? or is it just plain jealous when I'm all about being contented?
My focus now is saving for the future - get a house, save for retirement and of course the never ending quest of finding myself the other half.
Now that I think about it, is this because I have no job satisfaction in my current place? I know I have to give myself time to fit in and I know that once the project starts I will be freaking busy and maybe then I will feel more challenged.
I can't be someone who just sit and earn the bucks, I need to feel a sense of accomplishment in what I do. I need to be challenged.
I noticed one thing in this place - no one really give the whole picture of anything, and so you're doing it in pieces and getting the ideas as you go by. That is why I am hoping the project starts soon so that I can feel the sense of accomplishment and get back to my pure state of contentment!
But ambitious wise ...
I aim to stay here for a couple of years, get all the knowledge and once ready, move to other division or even to another place - I want to feel alive, and the only way for me to feel alive is to feel challenged!

Adapting

Now I know what people meant with not having a sense of achievement in commercial. Maybe because I am doing a repetitive work, I miss the adrenalin rush of working on tight deadlines, the business trip and all.
Can I see myself staying in this place for long? I'm not sure to be honest; but I won't go back to the same old environment as well. Let's see .. let's see

February comes early

It's February

I've lost close to 3 kgs only to gain 0.5kg back during my trip home. That is okay, I know I can do it. I aim to lose more before the end of this month.
Went for Thyroid follow up and I am so far normal! yeah, although I was a little annoyed with the different doctors attending to me, I'm glad it's normal. All I need now is to live healthily while continue monitoring it.

Nothing much to update for now, so I'll end it here.
Man, I need some spices in my life!

That number

I am just happy :)
The number on the weighing scale kept decreasing, even if it is just 0.1 but it is constantly decreasing. My clean eating definitely pay off. Still a very long journey but it makes me feel motivated now. I hope I can continue being this discipline.

Like the trainer said, you did well for 1 week .. do it for another week and see how it goes.
Starting point - 70.2
present - 68.1

I know it's a loooong way to head back to the good old 44 kgs, but I will get there!

Random

Just a random post close to end of Jan ...

*shivers* the end of the 1st month is coming and instead of losing, I gained weight!! but nevermind, I still have 10 days to fix it :D

So apparently one friend saw me in the gym and suggested that we go to the gym together one day. This might sound bad, but I am keen to do so; I am hoping to expand my social network again and I hope she could be a stepping stone for that. I have been spending weekends at home as I have nothing to do and no one to hang out with :(.
After the friends left, I didn't make an effort to make new ones until I am no like this ... home alone. Well honestly, I actually made an effort to join this and that .. but I didn't realize it in the end, partly because of the body - I lack confidence after gaining this much weight. I need to fix this!

On another note ...
Met my usual lunch partner last week and she told me about another friend's personal life. A friend who used to call me 'mom'. A friend who was closed to me once, but somehow we became apart because of some incident and also another person, indirectly. I was very disappointed to be honest, I am still if I can be very honest. But I keep telling myself 'so what?' What makes her so special that it affects me this much? As I have been telling people, the best revenge is to be happy, and I too have to be happy.
And that other person? only today she contacted me to 'complain'. And I know she did that because no one is around for her. It's okay ..  do whatever you like, I'll be happy no matter what. Happiness attracts everything good and I aim for that now.
See how my determination landed me the job and the salary I wanted; so now I will focus in achieving what I want in life and be damn about everything else.

Weight. Man. House - in that order ...
now let's work hard to achieve them all .. in 2016, early 2017 for the last one

A brand new start - 2016

It's already a new year and I am spending it in bed :D
today I'll be a bump, tomorrow I'll start my shopping, I'll start preparing on Sunday and come Monday? full head on! I need to lose at least 2kgs before my training session starts on 11th Jan.


Now that it is 2016, here is my goal :-

1. Lose weight
   I am committed to this and will update the progress every month. Today I am 69.3 kgs again :'(
   
2. Running
   I will start with slow jog, or maybe even brisk walking; I should get a new pair of shoes too now that the old one is used for gym
   
3. Savings
   I've burnt some of the saving to pay for my bills; so from the next pay onwards I have to save properly now that the bill is gonna be done soon
   
4. Reading
   read more drama less; challenging myself to reading 12 books this year.
   
5. Travelling
   Not going to not do any travelling because of my savings plan, but will be more selective and more discipline in the budget for travelling. I have decided to let go of the plan to travel during lunar new year and just go home instead - save money and also, meet the parents
   
6. Parents
   Make them happy!
   I have yet to fulfil their dreams of seeing me getting hitched. I can't decide on this, seriously! but until this happen I aim to make them happy in other ways. I know they are happy with the Dubai trip; unfortunately, I couldn't bring them somewhere far this year because I need to save money. I will still bring them somewhere nearby and be responsible for their travelling expenses. I don't need to beg my siblings nor do I want my parents to do that .. I will take care of them myself
   
7. Computer
   I seriously need to invest in a better computer, equipped with the licensed software. Maybe then I can start looking for a freelance job? I noticed there are a few out there, unfortunately I don't have the proper license to even come out with a proposal :|
   This will be my target in Q2, shall I achieve my targeted savings that is
   

This is my 2016 goal .. for now
I will revisit each item in the beginning of next month!

Toxic

another last post before the end of the year =D

on the way for my supposedly lunch plan, i realised that some people are just so toxic that you couldn't help but just want to remove them and not see them again - blackrose that is. i don't know why but now i can see all the things i've been warned about clearly. and that makes me added another item to my 2016 to do list - cut toxic people out of my life.

on another note, my savings for that one big dream had to be touched! pretty sad but come to think of it, i am saving more for the long term if i touch it now. and i aim to return it back by Q2 next year.

on yet another note, i need to start building my social network in this new environment. i know my confidence is pretty much low because of my appearance. so come next year - come next week - i will make some effort to boost my confidence AND back to the jogging routine, probably start with some brisk walk first. aim to achieve my goal by my next birthday!

i am tempted to summarize my 2016 goal but i just have this feeling that i will blog again tomorrow, considering how quiet the office is this month! :D

2015 - last post

went home over the weekend and it was a good one.
of course there was also an incident that made me realized more and more that you cannot depend n anyone other than yourself and your parents. and for that, you need to save for your own future and not giving up on finding your other half.
no matter what, nephew and nieces are still not your kids. your siblings are someone else's partner. if you don't have a partner or kids, you just have to rely on yourself.
do you want to be alone forever? no ..
so keep looking for that person who you could enjoy the rest of your life with.

on another note ...
i have decided that 2016 will be a year of reading - less drama, more books.
and for this i want to challenge myself to at least one good book each month.

more quality books for this little brain of mine!

December - an update

it's so close to the end of the year and I would like to recap my accomplishments this month now.
let's see ...

1. I've brought my parents Dubai for 6 days; they are happy and I am happy too! though I may not bring them somewhere far next year as I need to save some money for my other dream, I will still think of a short getaway for them next year
2. I've started my new job. It's totally different from the previous job that I have to keep reminding myself things are different - more 'adult' environment and definitely more diversity; you don't hear people speaking mandarin in a discussion, which is AWESOME! job scope is also different - no more presentation, proposals which I think I will miss it one day, more routine job .. but it's totally new for me. and I aim to learn the business process while doing the work, for my own advantage in the future
3. I've managed to reach the amount I aimed to save this year! and I have to focus on saving more if I want to fulfill that dream of mine

on another note ...
I went to an ex-colleague's wedding last week; met few bosses from the region, one of them cornered me asking the reason I left and sharing what she heard from the other side. well, it's a little too late for that seriously, but always good to know that some people still appreciate you. Buddha approached me to say hi as he wasn't around on my last day, some excuses given which I just decided to listen and can't be bothered about it. Invited me to a team event, which I politely declined. Asked why I only went out for lunch with one person, well .. do you ever treat me like you care when I was around? Isn't it too late for now? Glad I am out of that toxic environment.

now, going forward ...
What do I want to accomplish in 2016? in summary:

• I want to achieve my dream weight by my next birthday! but I want to aim to lose at least 5 kgs before the end of January 2016
• I want to pick up running again and I aim to run in every city I visited - this is my 2016 resolution!
• I want to save money, at least 50% of my monthly earning so that I can achieve my dream of being a homeowner in Q1-Q2 of 2017.
• I want to make my parents happier; and now that there's a prayer room in this company I want to not miss a prayer! Let me be a better me in 2016
• I still want to travel the world, already have few countries lined up and for this I have to cut down on my taxi expenses
• Should I take driving lesson? still wondering about this

That's it for now ..
I kinda look forward to my blogging about my January accomplishment - see if I embarrass myself or make myself proud :)

Hello, from the other side ...

I am at the end of my 2nd week in the new place. so far so good.
new environment - more adult environment, i shall say.
new job description - everyone is of the same level, everyone is like leading the team (LOL), but overall people are nice.
do i like it? do i love it? too early to say anything, but so far so good

definitely a lot of new things for me to learn. and since what i am hired to do will only start next week, i will be involved from day 0! how more exciting can it be.
currently i am working on another team's job - something new too, although it's a little mundane, i got to learn new tool and at the same time understanding the process of elimination performed in financial institution.

other than that?
I've fulfilled my dream to bring my parents for a trip outside of Asia, more to come please God.
and now my focus is saving as I want to own a property by 2017!

Wish me Luck!

Ambition

1st day of November.


somehow going through few people's pages today makes me want to be part of something good. I want to be part of something big and good. I know for this I have to take little steps and make changes to my current lifestyle.
Starting tomorrow I am going to cut my drama and do something more beneficial, something I haven't done in ages - read good quality book, watch good documentary, challenge myself, challenge my brain and head back to the person of quality I always aim to be.
I will wake up early and hit the road - even if it's a 10 minutes walk to start with, I will do it. I want to achieve something good before 2016 kicks in!!


wish me luck! I will update my accomplishment (no fall back) by end of this month, if not earlier :)


on another note, added to my bucket list: learn to drive again.

October - a recap

Now that October is ending soon, I just want to recap the happenings in this month. I dare said that this is the month I made one of the biggest decision in my life - leaving a company I have been with for 16 years!
I was told yesterday that buddha asked if I confirmed am leaving this place - and he shook his head when the answer was yes. He admitted that I am the person who started this service offerings, at least he remembered that. Still sad if I think of that.
I started cleaning my desk yesterday and somehow I couldn't help feeling emotional. Who would've thought this day would come .. but it comes!

OK, accomplishment is October:-

• I QUIT my job - mixed feelings still, but I quit!!
  
• I finally signed up for 30 sessions of personal training aiming to look a bit good on my last day
  
• I have completed my photography course, now all I need to do is practice practice and practice
  
• I have booked the trip with my parents - after all I believe all the blessings I received are partly due to their constant prayer for my well being
  
• I am actually considering a trip for myself during the Deepavali break - hopefully the leave is approved; otherwise, :\

That's it .. I will recap my accomplishment at the end of every month - that way I can keep on challenging myself to do better.

And yes, I really want to be outstanding in my new place so that everybody realized how wrong it was to make me go .. I know a few have felt that, even the boss who held me back; but I just want to make myself proud of my own accomplishments in all aspects - relationship with the creator, family, life and love ...

all the best, me!

The journey begins

After years .. yes YEARS ... of delaying, succumbing to my laziness I finally took the plunge and committed myself to 30 sessions of personal training. Today was the 1st day and gosh, I was so amazed with how totally unfit I am. Even the trainer was saying that I am sooo out of shape :|
I asked if I can look good by end of November, he said NO! haha .. but we will both work hard and I will be fully committed to this.
As he said - I am not saying it's going to be, but let's make it worth it!

Joke of the day

so, year end review is finally released ... a month after we received our letter :D

Overall rating:
4 - exceeded expectations

Comments:
XXX has shown commitment and enthusiasm. 
She started to lead teams across the region. 
She done jobs from beginning to end with good outcomes and within time frame and budget. 
She can execute well and over come challenges. 
She has done very well at manager level.
We will like her to concentrate on building ZZZ brand and business development.

The following are areas that XXX can focus on to position herself to take on an SM role:
1) Be known for something in the firm and the market - self branding
2) Take initiative to step up to take the lead in a situation - leadership
3) Understand trends,market and competitive landscape - strategic thinking
4) External focus and proactive in business development - invent your future

exceeded expectations ... but no promotion
done very well ...             but no promotion
take on SM role ...           but no promotion

I would rather they tell me point blank that there isn't any headcount left for SM than telling me I haven't do any business development.

Hence my satisfaction of winning one before leaving this place ..
can't do BD? can't do BD what?
good riddance!

heart warming

"It's a loss to the firm"

"What are we gonna do without you?"

Those simple yet powerful words are very heart warming.
And that they came from the people who are practically new to this place makes it more precious.

Thank you for those sweet words ...

Bucket list - an update

so i haven't update my bucket list for SO long ..

let's update those that have yet to be accomplished and what I have accomplished from October onwards ;)

1. Lose weight - an ongoing never ending plan :'(
2. Bring mum and dad for yet another trip, this time around somewhere a little futher
3. 10K in 2015
4. Head back to french class
5. ACFE .. should I still do this I wonder.
6. Learn SAS
7. A trip for myself, crocodile in Darwin?

On another note, my accomplishments in September/October:

1. I QUIT MY JOB ..
    totally unplanned, totally unexpected but just gotta do it
    was an emotional wreck when I talked to the boss, but hey I have been here for 16yrs! it's not an
    easy decision *although i wish there is a time machine so i could be more ehm, professional*

2. Photography class ..
    after so long, I finally took the plunge and pretty happy that I can operate manual now, still LOTS       of room for improvement, but YAY

I M Possible

I jokingly said that maybe I'll return here when I'm offered a high post. And then a dear brotherly friend told that it could happen, that I shouldn't underestimate myself.

It's true - with hardship comes ease. with hard work comes result. nothing is impossible because i have a great God who turned all my wishes into reality. I just need to work hard to achieve it!

Emotional wreckage

Now that I think about it, I am an emotional wreck.
I shouldn't have shed a tear in front of the boss saying I'm not happy .. that I haven't been happy for months .. that I've decided to stop shedding tears for this company.
I can imagine him saying behind me to his 'partner' - 'if she's not happy then go la .. '
And I know they can't wait to see me fail ..

I will change ...
I will no longer shed a tears and I will no longer speak about my feelings
I will enjoy the next few weeks for memory sake
I will no longer complain or say anything, I will think 10 times before saying anything - no matter how upset they make me feel
I will move on
and I WILL prove them that I am happy out there

me and my emotion :|

Fume!

Fxck this place!!

Now they're telling me it is my fault that all these happened!!
Yeah right ..
it is my fault for being assigned to a counselor from another country
it is my fault that my counselor is very busy and had no time
it is my fault that the counselor spoke to the big boss and said things are tough for me when this big boss knows nuts about me
it is my fault that none of my own team .. MY OWN TEAM! speak up for me
it it my fault for everything

yeah right!
I will work dang hard to prove you guys wrong - it's your loss not mine!!

*can't wait to cut the ties ...

Mixed

I'm jealous of the way ... you're happy without me :|

Why do I have this mixed feeling about buddha?
one on hand i want to get out of this place, but on another hand i don't want to let go of buddha

Moved On .. soon!

God is great. God is awesome. God is PERFECT!!!

after months of desperation wondering if I could ever save what pride I have left, He gave me the answer - and they're all exactly as my dream!
so i have received the incentive i surely well deserved. and i also found a new job!
i told myself that if i earned a certain amount i will take my parents on a trip. and i got that exact amount!
i thought of giving the parents certain amount more, and guess what? after negotiating it, i received that certain amount more!

If this is not God's blessing, what it is?

I hope I don't burn the bridges here but as I said to everyone I want to move on. I need to move on.
What's waiting for me at the end of the tunnel? Only God knows and with what He has blessed me with, I trust him with all my heart and soul. God's plan is ALWAYS the best!

Moving on

Today the progression list came out - I tried hard to held back the tears as promised, no more tears for this freaking company.
Although it almost betrayed me I managed to held it back. I am feeling great about myself and hopefully I can stay this way until my last day in this place.

ENOUGH

Today will be the last time I drop tears because of my company. Not a single drop after today, apart from tears of joy I guess.
I have been wondering lately if it's worth staying now that there are more engagement opportunities. But then tears started flowing down uncontrollably when I saw the list. My peers is my senior. My junior is my senior.
This is the 2nd time I was held back, how many more should I face in the future? Enough is enough.

Like now, here I am working on several proposals on my own. Leaving me to do work for the next rank and yet not wanting to move me up. This is the 2nd time I've got held back for the same reason another person is promoted.

And that disappointment on how focusing on one favourite job backfired when all the acknowledgement went to someone else and yet I got all the bad review for not spending enough time on other jobs. wtf to the max!

No more tears for this place. No more self-pity. Time to move on. no changing my mind.
Enough is enough!

the only way is UP

I believe in achieving anything in life such as losing weight, getting a promotion, finding the love of your life, learning, getting healthy, and anything that you desire. You need to take the first step to get there and then just keep moving forward. Before you know it, you can be at the top.

So for those stopping my move, watch me walk away!

CHANGE

I don't know what's wrong with me!!
I didn't do any hari raya visiting back home, not in the mood to meet the guest and basically just not into doing anything. I know part of it is due to what's happening at work .. I'm just not happy anymore. But the other part of it is due to my own fault - my confidence level is so low because of my appearance. I might not be in control for the things that happened at work, but I am in control of my own appearance!! I HAVE to make a change.
up until today, not only did I not meet my challenge of losing weight .. I gained more!! what is wrong with me??

The past week after heading back to work I have to face reality - the counselor of mine was in town. Though I tried as much as I can to avoid that topic he brought it up again and again. He was suggesting me to get away from here and try in another office for awhile, something I thought about before but I'm no longer in the mood. He asked me to let go of this shxtty year and think of the future instead, but how could I? This betrayal hit me deep down to the bone, this double standard .. I really can not accept it. No matter how busy I am, how occupied I am with other stuff, the minute this issue is brought up I got teary. Until when can I stay this way?
Honestly, when he's in town and brought me to meet potential client, involved me in pitching and all, I got motivated again, like I can see the future. But then I was hit back by reality - he no longer has control/power over me. The new guy with power is different from him. The reality is that the new guy won't involved me in any pitching. In fact, like what I told my counselor, I did more last year than this year. And yet I was told that I'm not ready. When I did more than my seniors. Simply because the new guy is new that he didn't see, hence didn't acknowledge my accomplishment. At times I ended up doubting myself. This is not healthy!!
But ...
No offer until today. Though I'm not giving up, I'm not settling either. When deadline arrives I have to make the final decision - move out, 'change level' or trying new place for 3 months. I cannot tell myself that it's okay to be treated this way again. I have to make the right decision - get out of this unwelcome place before it happens again.

On another note ...
I bought myself that beautiful simple piece of ring I have been thinking of. I am a happy lady. I decided to reward myself every now and then as a token of appreciation to myself.
AND
I have also decided that today is the last day of being a bum. I have to make some changes and be disclipine with it. Move around, clean the house now that the helper is not coming back and get back to the gym. My holiday is just around the corner and let's try to lose few kgs shall we?

69.2 kg today.
I shall report back in a week's time

Antarctica!

I've just registered myself for the 2016's Antarctica Expedition.
I've always wanted to go there and now that I found out about this, it's like a sign to really give it a try.
Praying hard that I will be selected for this once in a lifetime experience!!

Mission *suck it up*

I realized the person who likes to complain to me is no longer talking to me; well she complains about her own best friend so what makes you think she wouldn't complain about me to others as well. She used to use me to be close to others and now that she's closed to them what more use am I?

OK, let's stop being negative.
Maybe she has decided that I am no longer the person to complain to because I too have my own complaints now that it makes her feel negative? I guess she doesn't realized her complaining has the same effect on me.

OK .. let it go and let's focus on the big picture - getting out of this place!

I realized that I am no longer the cheerful, positive person I used to be. I drag Monday, I don't talk like I used to, I am basically very down. Maybe it's my own doing because I really cannot accept the fact that my promotion is held back for a year because I haven't do what a senior manager was supposed to do when the senior managers themselves are not doing it!! all because of the new leader with new direction and unlucky me was the only one on a run for a promotion when he joins.

OK .. let's focus on the bigger picture: getting out of the comfort zone and prove them all wrong.
2 months to go before making the final plunge - mission sucking up starts now!

Move On

Know when to walk away .. and start something new

Challenge

Would you take a challenge even if that means diving into the unknown with two possible outcome - to rise above all or fall deep?

But life is all about challenges, no?

Victim no more

I have to change my attitude. I have to change the way I look at this world.
This bad thing that is happening to me, let's change it to be the BEST thing that happens to me.

Never give up, think highly of yourself and proof the world wrong!

Change

I seriously can't believe it!
After all the hard work I put in, all the late hours, sacrificing personal time for work and all, even trying to do more than a director the big gunner still think I am not ready for promotion because I am not ready to sell

What a load of nonsense!!
No one else in this department sell and just because he is new with high expectation, and my luck to be under him I received that feedback.

AND at the same time this girl who just joined like 3 months ago was promoted simply because 'it wasn't her fault that she has no opportunity to manage a job'

Favoritism at it's best!!

I'm trying so hard to see this from the positive side - to see this as an eye opener, opportunity. This could be the ultimate sign for me to move on.

Sometimes change is simply inevitable :\

JUNE!

TIME FLIES!!
It's already the 6th month of the year and I have yet to make any significant changes on myself

Just came back from a short break, solo trip. It's been awhile since my last solo trip that I really really enjoyed this. I even took all the touring solo instead of joining a group tour, partly because I have quite a short time and also because I'm not into mingling.

Did some soul searching, reflecting on life and friends, and realized that some friends took me for granted, only use me when they need me. am i disappointed? Of course, I'm a human. but will that change me to the worst? Nope. I take all these as lesson learned and be more cautious in the future.

Anyways. it's June!!

Challenge of the month: no taxi! Well, unless it's work related (i.e. reimbursed by the company)

Another challenge to be taken seriously: LOSE WEIGHT!
I've gained additional 2 kgs within the past for days, crazy or what? I'm currently 70.1 kg! crazy to the max.

During the trip I asked myself:
Do I want to be single forever? nope.
Have I done anything to change that? nope

Then I asked myself again if I really really want that to happen why am I not making any changes?

So yes, I've decided that I will keep my weight posted here so that I am shaming myself if I don't make any changes to my life.
And there are still 6 months in 2015, not too late work hard and make changes to my life

Bucket List - an update

looking at the bucket list I realised that there are still a lot to have accomplished before the year ends.
so far the ones that I've accomplished and proud of are bringing the parents for a trip and attending Mandarin course.

I would like to add few items to it and re-iterate those that is very important!
- start knitting/crocheting
- challenge myself to a week of $10/day incl. transport
- register and sit for the ACFE exam
- and of course the ultimate, lose weight!
- start saving money to buy a house, or in this case - apartment/condo.

7 months before the end of the year; there are still a lot to do!!

Rant

Nowadays, I couldn't care less about what people think of me.
I used to be worried if I offended someone or spent days thinking how to make people like me or involved me in their activities.

But, now? forget it

You forget to include me when all this while I've been caring about you? well, you're off my list
You only approach me when you need help but when you're having fun you exclude me? you're off my list

I am getting more and more suspicious of people that seems to be close to me. I do realised that most of the time I made the effort to get to know them first, which is okay.
But if you only respond out of being polite, forget it!

I guess it's true that as you grow older you moved from wondering how to befriend someone to who is worth befriending!

Changed

Sometimes I wonder, am I that bad in people's eyes?

I shared my unhappiness and ended up being judged

I cared for someone even felt hurt when she didn't get what she deserved and ended up not being acknowledged, totally forgotten when they are having fun

I do realize that some people will only look for me when they need help or something; when it comes to having fun? I'll be stroke off the list

I know I took the being judged situation to the extreme .. totally removed them from my mind so as not being hurt anymore although I am the one feeling like an outcast now.
Yes I know I am being overly sensitive but I'd rather avoid the whole thing than ended up in the same situation again - being judged.

The year has not even reach half yet I have lost few friends ...

now, cheer up!!
It's okay if people don't include them in their fun list.
It's okay to avoid people so as not to be judged again in the future ..
Just use the energy into something more meaningful and let's just focus on my own goal!

On career

I have always been reminded that I myself am in charged of my own career but I never really take it seriously - partly because I am too busy with work and well, honestly also because I just couldn't be bothered, taking things for granted.
Until the recent update that might affect my progress.
So now I stepped up and asked directly about it, I may look ambitious but hey, come on .. who isn't ambitious in the corporate world. If you're not what's the point of working? Some might say they're not but seriously you just have to admit the fact that there is always a little, even if it's very very tiny, ambitious in each of us.

I now make it known that I too, am ambitious ... I've been walking the walk and now I've started talking the talk ... Let's see.

Bucket List

-- updated on 18th May 2015

A promise made to myself: at least one new challenge a month!!
And the challenges are basically what I have in my bucket list - if you don't clear it soon, you will never clear it.

JANUARY

well, kinda too late for this ;) but let's see what did I do in January ...
ah okay

1. Managing 7 jobs at the same time: CHECKED! 

FEBRUARY

1. Canyoning, jumping off the cliff conquering my fear of falling hard into the water: CHECKED! 
2. Managing downward: in progress
3. See the komodo dragon: CHECKED! 

MARCH 

1. Register for ACFE exam and study well - have to do !!
2. LOSE WEIGHT!!
3. Register for Mandarin Course - CHECKED!  starting in April

APRIL

Okay, it's April in the next few days and I have yet to register for the ACFE, boohoo me!
and the losing weight is not progressing at all :\

Mandarin course will start in 2 weeks time and maybe I'll keep myself steady first with this course before committing myself to the ACFE exam

But seriously, let's lose some weight before April ends

1. START Mandarin course - CHECKED!
2. Save money .. A LOT of it to get myself THAT Cartier watch - yes I have one in mind
3. Bring the parents to yet another holiday trip - CHECKED! we went to LANGKAWI!
4. Start running again

MAY

1. Register for ACFE exam - no more procrastination!! :'(

2. Plan a holiday for myself - CHECKED!  Laos, Marocco and maybe maybe S. Korea come to mama!

JUNE

1. Lose 8 kg!
2. Register for ACFE exam

3. No taxi for a month!
4. Go to bank to get assessment on housing loan

JULY

1. Lose more weight
2. Save money, start planning for the house purchase
3. Study for ACFE

I love me

A reminder from a friend:
'You don't find a man, you just need to love yourself'

With that in mind, I woke up this morning and dressed up just for myself and nothing else. And how wonderful the day turned out to be!

Indeed, you just need to love yourself .. and everything else will fall in it's place

2015

how time flies .. few blinks and 2015 has arrived!


OK 2015 ... resolution? no!


I'm aiming to clear some of the items in my bucket list this year, and on top of the list is LOSING WEIGHT!!


I hope I can do it - I CAN DO IT!! I HAVE TO DO IT!


I'm aiming to lose at least 5 kg by 25th Jan 2015 .. let's focus to get there!


2014 is the year where all my leave was either rejected or cancelled due to work commitment.
the good point of it is that I managed to clear most of my credit cards bill - last one will be cleared by end of this month!


Although I'm craving for some holiday this year I have to remind myself to be vigilant still. Buying a house - that is one item in my bucket list that has to be ticked off before I hit 45!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tipping Point

Sometimes you're faced with a challenge you either like it and take it happily, dislike it but take it still as you have no choice, or dislike it and do something about it.
I started from the first, moved to the second and now, am I already moving to the 3rd respond?


Could this be a sign from God for me to move on?

Karma

Somehow by the twist of an unfortunate event, I got involved in this task - 8 types 4 times a year.
I wanted to protest, I wanted to get out of this but I know no matter how hard I try, I wouldn't be able to escape it .. so why bother protesting?
I looked at them .. think at them .. and tears just began rolling ..


I don't know .. is this a sign that I should move on? start looking what's available out there?
Or is this just a sign that I really need a break, even if it's only for a day or two.


And as usual, every time I have that thoughts my superhero contacted me ...

Lucky

you don't win people/client overnight, you owin them through constant, warm communication ...

i am lucky to have such a nice good mentor who make me his personal task!

Disturbed

I want to write something but there are so many things in my mind that I ended up with not knowing what to write

OK let's just write one that is so unimportant but kinda disturbed me

I don't know ..

I guess being single for so long kinda make you feel happy and all smiley when someone just gave you more attention.
I mean I know this person, kinda annoyed with him and when I met him I realised that I wouldn't be able to like this kinda person. But, with distance and the constant - okay not constant but at times - chat over the phone, work related btw, I just feel hmmm, happy?

Happy with the attention, happy with the conversation .. happy even deep down I know this is one sweet talker, one smooth operator.

And today I was just feeling disturbed - it started with a curt email/message making it like it's my fault when it's so not. Then a news about how smooth he is, even smoother than people who believe they're smooth.
Why does it bother me? Maybe because I know the attention given is just an act, it's just his personality? Probably

Ok nevermind, knowing myself it will fade away soon.
Wonder when can I find one to call my own???

Allure

you are very interactive with guys. you just need to control the effect you have in men.

insult or compliment or just a silly sweet talk? or the person himself is the one who was affected?

whichever it is, i will take that as a constructive criticism - at least i know i have the power :D

Super HERO

a hero, to me, is not someone who wears a cape, having super power, and mission is to save the world
to me, a hero is:

someone who, when you are in doubt, unsure about the path to choose, called you and provided reassurances without you asking. like (s)he knows that you are in need of those words.

scratch that .. that is not a hero - that is a superhero!

Proactive

today i did something that i never thought i would could do - sales.
it seems fun and hopefully i can continue doing this and really come with a result. to make myself proud.

it is time to make the best of what life has to offer and forget all the nonsense fantasies. some things are worth fantasizing but others are pointless and might lead to self destruction; so why bother right?

but honestly, there is this tiny bit of hope in the corner of the heart that what i am doing could make someone proud and notice me.

but, still the main focus is: myself.

2014

major challenge: reaction!
gotta practice reacting cool in all kind of situation; after all remember that you are not part of the flock!

Language

when you speak local language amongst yourself - that is perfectly fine
BUT
when you started using this local language in business meeting where people who don't understand are present - that is perfectly RUDE

Alone

have you ever feel like you want to hug someone real tight? that you have this oh so much love inside you that needs to be released?
I am feeling that now ..

Linger

it started with a photo taking
then the idea just keeps playing in my mind ..

2 weeks gone by, and i heard nothing still ...

i guess it's either a 'no' for the other end, or it is just my imagination that the photo was meant for that purpose.

dear God, if it's meant to be let me linger with the idea
but if it's not .. which i know is the case here .. please let me forget the idea.

you know i'm such a fool :'(

 

Jealousy

Oh .. this thing called Jealousy

i am not impressed that one person came back, giving me the back seat again. no more conversation ever started with me now that she's back.
i am unhappy too that now she's back, i have less opportunity to interact with someone i kinda have crazy thought with. oh, Jealous.
i am also jealous with the fact that i can't be as close as i am with that person simply because of that one person and the other one.
oh boy .. this thing called Jealousy ...

Promise

2013 - clear debt!

I Want!

when you want something the whole universe conspires in helping you to achieve it - paulo coelho

ok .. i want 'buddha'!

MY life

i've heard enough of all this fortune telling thing! even when i don't want to listen somebody came telling me the same all story. well, everyone is telling me the same thing. and i REFUSE to accept it.
with the help from God, i am the key to my own destiny. i myself create MY destiny; not some sort of people reading and telling me.
i am going to work on MY own destiny starting tomorrow!

Monotone

i need some excitement, some sparks in my life. i am bored, bored to death!
where can i find it? how can i find it?

Hopeless

i'm falling for the wrong person .. again!
it might not be a real fall, but ..
okay, let me phrase it

i'm falling for the idea of falling for the wrong person .. again!

Time's up!

it's time to be more serious in life - property!
let's aim to save religiously from this month onwards and re-assess the position by the end of this year. target MUST be accomplished by then.
before 40 .. before 40!

So Long

and the time finally came ...

i guess i was prepared for quite awhile now; but still there's a lump everytime i talked about it.

i know i am so gonna miss you.
i know i have no one to make me feel protected and secured now.
but i also know that you are happy. and you are counting down to the meetup.
i know i won't be frequenting that place again but i'll forever treasure all the good times shared there.

and i thank you for being the person to make me learn a lot about myself.
have a good life, my dear friend.
though we plan to meet every now and then, i still miss you dearly

it could just be me but i can feel a change whenever the conversation gets deeper - personal issues and also conversation that led to advises. and it seems like the wish of treasuring the last few days comes from both parties. watching trailers. listening to songs. might not be exclusive but lets hope the advises are taken seriously as said. i am SO gonna miss all the good times we shared.

life is too short to be wasted in finding answeres. enjoy the questions ...

+ why do i have a crush on such a guy? - why not

i am going to enjoy the few days left. no longer a crush but i am still charmed. and i hope one day i will find myself one.

isn't it amazing how a simple 'hello ma'am' totally changed my day!

Sweet

didn't expect the appearance today, but it definitely was one pleasant surprise.
confessed that i wouldn't feel safe anymore now that the authority has changed.
saw the tantrum which i think is kinda cute/funny

and a hypothetical question for a dear friend kinda cleared my mind - what do you want to wake up to everyday?

but i am still gonna miss the days spent in that room

Honored

that means the person who bought this is very thoughtful ...
ma'am, i feel so honored

i don't expect tears of gratitude. but i am happy to know that you're touch.
the pleasure is mine.


ps.
i am honored to know you.
and i thank God for letting us crossed path and letting me learn a lot more about myself - even if its only a shortwhile

Thank You

thank you for being the one who makes me realised that i still have hope in me.
thank you for being the one of nicest person i've crossed path with.
thank you for making me feel so secure and protected, for letting me know that my back is always covered.
and most of all, thank you for being the person that makes me learn to open up.

i know there will be tears in my eyes and i am not going to hide it. i won't let my pride gets the best of me.
for that, thank you for making me understand the beauty of being fragile.

thank you ...

Nevermind .. I'll Find Someone Like You

i'm starting to have a crush or maybe just like the idea of falling for you-know-who.
attached maybe even engaged and i kinda dislike him before but as days gone by and i started to know him better i like spending more time chit chatting and all with him.
and now this idea of falling might eventually be a real crush if i don't control myself.
damn!

Why?

everyone is either in a getting to know each other stage, in a relationship, engaged, getting married, married, having a baby, having a family, busy with the family.
everyone but me ...
is there something seriously wrong with me?

TARGET

i have to start saving and get myself a place of my own.
i have to be a homeowner in the next 3yrs!!

Fantasy Land

i'm getting more and more into korean drama ...

and the problem is that i get too emotionally involved that at times it's too much. yes, that's just acting but wouldn't it be great if that happens in real life.
i told myself that before i have my own love story, i'll just enjoy those love stories.
wrong! a friend pointed out - the more you watch the higher your expectation is. so i have to stop myself from starting another one. i didn't watch it before anyway.

i. have. to. stop!

Crash Boom BANG

i've been watching more and more korean drama lately. not good for a hopeless romantic like me because it will continue to linger in me making me wish how i experience that too :D

i told my friends that if korean guy are really as what portrayed in those drama, i don't mind getting one. one told me that korean guy is known to be a MCP.

so in between my break i googled 'is korean man as romantic as in drama' and ended up reading about one sweet scene - a scene i just watched last night. sad to say that i found another article where the actor in that scene said that he couldn't do it in real life.


*crashed*

GAP

attended a birthday lunch ..
a girl 9 years my junior and yet they talked about it like they've hit rock bottom with the new age. not the first time but i think this will be the last time i join the birthday celebration - all this 'oh i'm so old' talk just makes me realised that i am old and i am still like this :

01.01.2012

so i started the first day on the new year badly :D
1. i slept as late as 4 am resulted in me waking up late
2. i spent the whole day watching drama online - laundry and some cleaning up in between
3. i ate like there's no tomorrow - noodle, chips, peanuts, diet coke and all

yes i know .. bad bad me
BUT tomorrow i will start a new regime; the reason for my being frumpy today.
and to make myself embarrassed if i didn't achieve what i want to, i'll write it all down here and see how it goes (or even the excuses i make in the future if i disobey them)

1. early morning for early jog - if i miss this i still have to jog at night, but no .. i can't miss it!
2. healthy diet again - cook for breakfast and dinner
3. commitment to exercising 20 days in a row ..

as of today my weight is 64.1 kgs
lets see how it goes 2 weeks from now..

Reflections

few more hours before 2011 disappears and a new number appears. it's not a biggie, it's just a number i know. but with all the things going on we started to reflect on our life - the bad, the good and all. we wonder if there is something we could do to make our future better, to make it a more meaningful life.
and so i am doing my own reflections ...

2011 :-
* a number of friends left the country for good, moving on. me? i'm still stuck in this country
* a number of cousins got married. me? i'm still not sure what i should do to even meet someone
* few people i know had a great career advancement. me? let's see what the next appraisal has for me

i can't say i have any regrets but yes i wish i could react differently in some situation.

so what's 2012 for me?

nothing much but i hope in this year i'd be more diligent with my income and also smart with my body - workout more. save more. and with God's permission, meet someone.
YES i know i have to work on them, there is no such thing as miracle. so yes, i'll try my best and work hard on them!

i don't have a lot of friends anymore in this country, but what i have left i hold dearly in my heart and i keep reminding myself that what matters are quality over quantity - so what if my weekends were not as busy as before. and i should start using this free weekends to work harder in achieving my dreams!!

other than that? i just wish to be happy; if possible happier than i am now.

i started writing with so many things in my mind but now i just want to stop writing and continue my drama :D

if you're reading this, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012
may we continue striving for the best, learn from our past mistakes and live life with no regrets

2012

as 2012 approaches, everyone started having their own resolution. i am one who doesn't do that but hey, lets not be hypocrite and admit that secretly i told myself 'in this new year i should be better'
so though i don't have any resolution - to say - i am to STOP or maybe cut down on taking taxi and be more savvy with my income.
wouldn't it be great to have a place to call my own soon ...

oh WOW

i've never been humiliated for being a single until last saturday's event. and to think all that happened just because i was trying to make someone happy!
a part of me wanted revenge. the other part of me just felt sorry for myself.
yes i wanted to try harder but i too have to accept the fact that in reality, it ain't that simple!

Words

the more i waste my energy on words, the less convinced i will be of what i'm saying, and it will be the easier to get the better of me ...

- aleph, paulo coelho

Question

one .. just one ..

WHEN?

Let Me

this afternoon. the glimpse ...
allow me to have my own interpretation of it. even if it's a wrong one, even when the numbers are so against me let alone the others, please allow me to enjoy and keep it with me.

Action!

they said the person who can safe yourself is you!
i've done my share; lets see if any changes gonna come

Affirmation

1. i want to lose the 16kgs (or maybe even more!) i've gained for the past few years
2. i want to be in control of my body and my appetite, not the other way around
3. i want to complete my marathon this year in less than 5hrs
4. i want to feel happy when i look at a picture of myself
5. i want to leave bad things behind, include that 'what-if' playing in my mind since april 2010
6. i want to be positive in every single way as positive attracts positive life
7. hopefully i can meet someone before the year ends .. this might be difficult but hey, positive attitude!!

come tomorrow morning, everything starts anew!

Bring me the Sun

beach holiday? didn't expect that, though i know it's just another way of making use of others. but wait a minute. friends don't do that. will keep that in mind. whether it'll stay there or eventually gone, let time answer that ...

Defeat

it's tough to look at defeat in the eyes and smile. but life goes on and people move on. just never give up and keep trying for the best. someday, it will be your time ...

Message

ok, i'm crazy

every now and then i take a peek. not that i want anything, i'm just curious. ok not true. i secretly hope a window will appear.

but now i asked myself: do i really want it? yes there is that part of me who wish for it, after all i'm a human being. but knowing how i'd be, do i really want to head down that road again? NO!

so, i guess it's better to not care. i HAVE to not care. don't want. don't care.

Belated

i remember the date. but when the day came, i totally forget about it. i sent a wish last year. but this year, even if i didn't forget, i wouldn't.
i can safely say that you have been erased from my mind. not totally 'cos sometimes the story surfaced and the curiosity took over. but there is nothing more than that.
i'm happy and for that .. happy belated birthday to you!

Positive Attitude

tomorrow remarks my 13th year in this country. i might have not achieve all the things i want. but if there's nothing stopping me what's keeping me here? i'm still waiting for the answer to that.

meanwhile, enough feeling blue. enough feeling like a crap.

GET OUT. DRESS UP. WORK OUT. AND GET YOURSELF WHAT YOU WANT!

(No) Way Out

i saw a picture of the drinks and my mind turned wild. i can't control what's going on and to be honest i don't even know if i would like it if the idea turns real. but i couldn't help it.

just yesterday i received something and i was close to getting crazy trying to decrypt it when it is just a plain simple one.

the last time i experienced it i told myself no i am not into it. but whenever i don't know what's happenning, the whereabouts i became nuts. and the sad thing is that i have no rights to know what's going on.

this is SO not healthy. i seriously need to find a way out. i seriously need to work on how to fulfill the promise i made to myself, parading it.

Random

watching a teenage series, i got this conclusion:- it's not the subject ... it's the idea that creates my non-stop thinking

and from a friend i got this:- God didn't give you who you want. instead God gives you what you need ... to teach you, to hurt you, to love you and make you exactly the way you should be

and yes, i learned!

Anger Management

i have been angry for so long that it scared me. isn't it amazing how some people can bring out the worst in you. my ex-boss told me once 'if you are not happy with how things are working, make a change, take an action. if you don't want to then just shut up'. he of course shut up for quite a while and then took the action. i remember that everytime i am faced with the one who bring the worst out of me. for now, i'll just shut up and keep my eyes on the long-term goal.
today i decided while staying in focus might be a little tough, why not make some short-term goal and keep your eyes on it without letting the long-term goal disappear! so yeah, i have few short-term goal i'd like to achieve:

• let's get back on the game of running: 5km. 10km. 15km. 21km. and back to the marathon with a better timing this year, please.


• let's aim on getting myself an international driving license, shall we?

let's focus on these two for now. and let's see whether or not i strike it off!

Again

it's closed ... again.
maybe this is a final sign. God's way of giving me time to adjust. and in few more days i'll make my final decision - i'm done with it!

Blessings ...

on my way to work, the phone rang. dad's number. what's up i wonder. picked it up and heard mom's voice

'whatever you want to do, if you think it's good for your future, you have our blessings. your dad has given his permission so if you think it's good, do it'

i asked about my sister's plan and what i got is a 'don't think about your sister. she is married and all. you just think of yourself, of your future and whatever you think best for you, you got our blessings'

tears just started to flow. how can i not be touched. at the same time it made me feel bad for not being able to make them happy.

life is good when you have great parents - what more can i ask for...

Time Flies

it's been a year ...

Inconclusive

so how was it, a friend asked. it was okay, i guess. it started okay then along the way i started to think about adding something and couldn't wait for it to end and all that. it felt good, kinda like a good ending.
until few days later when the old thing started to creep up again.
so what did you think about it, the next question. i don't know. pretty confuse actually. definitely none of those mentioned but still wondering. i guess that's what happened when you're being in this situation for so long. all you need is just a little bit to wonder if it will be a repeating stuff. actually, the big part is good.
she smiled. i smiled. for all you know the result is good, she said again. no, it wouldn't be because of the different objective.
everyone needs experience in life. guess this is mine...

C'est La Vie

it's hard to put on a strong face when you're breaking inside

life moves on though ...

Deja vu

it started from an invitation. more like checking the 'rain check', i guess. i was reluctant but then i decided to give it a go. maybe i'm still curious or maybe because i don't know how to say otherwise. anyway, let's just take it as a test.

i know how the outcome would be even before sitting for the test. and i kinda make a promise to myself, that one day ... one fine day, i'll be the one parading it. and when that day come, i hope there's an 'if only ...' coming out from another party. bad i know, but i just want that!

during the time i was bored. why did i do what i did before. but at the same time, i can feel some happinness. i passed the test! and a new criteria came up - a 'wouldn't it be great if'. the whole thing kinda remind me of sara bareilles. seriously counting down 'cos there's no street to look out to start counting the cars.

day goes by. and it's creeping again. i guess it'll continue this way. until i fulfill that promise i made to myself. meanwhile ... let's just enjoy this deja vu.

Realisation

doing this transcribing makes me realised that i have so much more potential than this. at this age, with these experience I can be much much more than I am now!

Determine

a friend said: try again, it's worth the effort. be thick skinned.

i said: no, thank you.

but i'm determine - before my age turn to another one, i will make it. either getting one or getting out of this. i want to change. i need to change. i will change this!

Definitely Not

yes, it is not meant to be. definitely not. i've known it for so long; and as if that's not enough, another announcement was made - gone to africa. hah! missed it last year, gonna miss it this year as well. and i thought i'd be getting one (and was waiting to see it, actually) extra wish this year.

won't be hidden let alone removed. it will stay there as a reminder to myself - never to assume anything fast.