Hold My Hand ...

i love this song!

no matter how far i might be ..
i'm always gonna be your neighbour ..
so let's pray for a beautiful world..
a beautiful world i share with you ..

2010

there's something about 2010 and my girlfriends - 2 weddings and now an engagement! i am SO very happy for them and i wish one day, soon .. soon .. the happiness spread to me too; slow but sure.
i am not ashame to admit that i don't want to be single forever. i am not desperate, but i think i have enough of singlehood.

TOUGH!

thank You God, for giving me yet another chance to come face to face with Ramadhan. thank YOU
last year ramadhan was quite a disaster for me, project made me spent the whole weekdays breaking fast at work as it coincides with the conference call we have. but of course, there was a blessing too. i had my 1st and 2nd interview during this holy month. interviews that brought me to where i am today.
this year i aim to be better than last year. i hope its not just an excitement that will go down as time pass by .. as i enter the 2nd 3rd and alas the last week. for that, i hope God give me the chance to complete the whole 30days, that i am able to come face to face with Syawal.
this year is also a test for me. i told myself that this is the time i should must use to forget that stupid idiocy i've been doing for the past 4months. i've broke a promise to myself last saturday by giving it another try. this time though, i think curiousity saves the cat from having all its 9 lives gone. it moved me from being curious to annoyed, or maybe even angry. after all the effort i put in, the pride i risk .. that's all i got? *fuming*
oh well ...
as i said, i've told myself this is the time to move on. it was easier said thand done, to be honest. i don't know but its tougher today compared to yesterday. maybe this is my test. but i know i have to. for my own benefit.
oh well, i don't know what i'm writing now .. better stop.

Random ...

life is simple, i just make it messy for myself ...

counting down to the days where i have to fulfill the promise i made to myself - move on, let go. no more waiting. forget it! tough i know but i had to, for my own good. to be honest, there's no one's fault to begin with. i was the one who fell into the trap, blindly. should've known better. oh well, move on ...

the agent emailed for decision. i don't know what to decide. i ended up telling him what i really feel. i just don't want to waste my money and my time, having high hopes and all only to get them all washed away. let's see what he'd say ...

sometimes you wonder what life has in store for you. but this morning, during the train journey to work i just realised that sometimes the life you want is not meant to be yours. sometimes, that kinda life is just not for you to experience it. God knows best, that's the only consolation i gave myself. sad, but oh well ...

my grandauntie passed away recently, my auntie might be in the midst of an operation now. the first one has no immediate family to grieve for her whilst the other has loads of kids to take care of her. i can't help but ask myself, what will happen to me in the old age - no one to pray for me when i die. no one to take care of me when i'm sick. i don't want this kinda ending but, how could i change it? i can't believe i'm saying this but i kinda give up on the hopes i used to have.

another 5 days ...
that's what i told myself - another 5days to move on ...

Missing

something is missing, there's a hole in me .. but i don't know what. well actually i know but i refuse to acknowledge it, for my own good.
work is hectic but it keeps me motivated thanks to all the interesting stuff i am learning along the way. maybe i should start having more activities over the weekend so as not to feel this way.

Hang On or Move On?

had a very awkward conversation with mum earlier, getting something out of my chest as advised by the 'wise man'. mum's question made me speechless for a few seconds. i don't know how to answer it. but of course, mothers will never disappoint their kids. anyways, it feels like something heavy has been lifted from me.
honestly? i hope the 'wise man' is right and i hope this is the end of the current episodes and i am oh so looking ahead to some new episodes - a better one that is.
but then again, a short text messages from a friend made me revealed something to her - 'and what made me look depressed few weeks ago. it feels like my only hope had evaporated'
part of me just wants to give up but the other part says 'hang in there'.
God, i leave it to YOU to decide 'cos everything is out of my control now ...

the aftermath ...

i'm beginning to realise how foolish i am on my behaviour for the past few weeks. friends have been reminding me lately and m's message made me realised its time to let go. held you head high and move on. easier said than done, but it has to be that way. it MUST be.

i have to admit that i still linger on the idea, on the thought .. on the hope. but come on, who am i kidding .. it is so obvious, blocked i might be.

sometimes i wonder if the initiative i took on april 28th is the worst decision i've ever made :?

oh well, life goes on .. with or without.

have you lost your way?

livin' in the shadow of the
messes that you made and so it goes

everything inside your circle starts to overflow

take a step before you leap

into the colours that you seek

you'll get back what you give away

so don't look back on yesterday

wanna scream out .. no more hiding

don't be afraid of what's inside

gonna tell ya you'll be alright

in the aftermath

anytime anybody pulls you down

anytime anybody says you're not allowed

just remember you are not alone

in the aftermath

adopt

maybe it's time to adopt my colleague's motto
I DON'T F**KING CARE!

Reason

sometimes i wonder what is the reason God put me in this world for ..

to be a corporate slave that is stuck between office politics?
to be a failure in life that even the only thing i want is the only thing i couldn't have?
to be sorry for myself all the time like what i am doing now?

i know i shouldn't feel that way. i have so many blessings bestowed upon me already. its just happened that the two big projects happened at the same time and its a one man show. but ..
do you think they will look back into all these and reward me good? i don't think so.
not working, is that an option? definitely no ...

i am SO depressed now; when people turn suicidal i'll just turn into a cry baby.
every dark cloud has its silver lining; i'm just waiting for mine ...

a question

when will YOU answer my prayer? i'm tired of YOU know what. i have no doubt that YOU will answer it at the right time if it is right for me. please please please grant that wish of mine. YOU are my only hope. amien.

Its *mad* all over again ...

i told myself that today will be the last chance from my end. pathetically, i prepared myself for something that from the beginning i know wouldn't happen. so i guess this is it. is it really it? honest to God, i don't know. part of me knows that it is while the other part is still trying so hard to hold on to something that has nothing to hold on to, if i am being honest to myself.

is it better to follow your heart or follow your mind/logic? only time will tell ...

*have a blessed birthday ...

Maybe ...

had a very deep conversation with few friends earlier. an issue with the 10yrs marriage. and issue with the 3yrs relationship. a hubby facing midlife crisis. a boyfriend who seems to have a commitment issue. i listened to each of them intently and started to take all these as a lesson and implemented it to myself. i seriously can't imagine myself being in the position of this girlfriend, let alone the wifey.

maybe it's true that men who having midlife crisis are difficult to rationalised with.

maybe it's true that men who've been single for so long have difficulty in commitment. and,

maybe it's time for me to let go the idea that makes me still hung onto *that*

it also made me realise .. whether you're married, in a relationship, or single, you're bound to face some issue; God is afterall, fair.

Ironic

i got my closure, well maybe not but at least i have peace with myself.
everything in the list is checked, checked and checked. then you realised you never think of that one thing; and it's there! unchecked?

Lesson Learned ...

i got it. i fell for the idea, for the fact that after almost 11 yrs of living here, there's finally some excitement. and then my ego got bruised. and i thought it was something else, when the fact is that i couldn't accept that it's me .. ME! who's pride got tarnished.
oh well, God has His own way in teaching us human; this is His way of remindin me to treat others with respect - tell them instead of let them hang. brushing things off easily ain't right now that you know how it feels to be the victim ...

i am a diamond, not a pig ; therefore, i ought to behave like one ...

Not Hard Enough

i seriously thought God has answered my (and mom's) prayer. what do you know ...

Gone To Soon

my hope for having it longer doesn't come true. i am totally disappointed. heart broken, maybe. it feels like i'm facing the male me.
oh well, life goes on ...

fade away

looks like i can't hope too much. guess i have high expectation too fast. oh well, c'est la vie ...

smile

how can i not have a smile on my face when what i read always makes me smile. it will be good if i can keep smiling for a long more .. and maybe more after that ...

plunge

so i took the plunge - wrote. checked. sent.
let's just hope curiousity "saves" the cat, after all i believe i deserve it ...

miss ya ...

when it's off peak season at work, there's only one thing i miss - the fun chat i used to have.
oh well ...