Toxic

another last post before the end of the year =D

on the way for my supposedly lunch plan, i realised that some people are just so toxic that you couldn't help but just want to remove them and not see them again - blackrose that is. i don't know why but now i can see all the things i've been warned about clearly. and that makes me added another item to my 2016 to do list - cut toxic people out of my life.

on another note, my savings for that one big dream had to be touched! pretty sad but come to think of it, i am saving more for the long term if i touch it now. and i aim to return it back by Q2 next year.

on yet another note, i need to start building my social network in this new environment. i know my confidence is pretty much low because of my appearance. so come next year - come next week - i will make some effort to boost my confidence AND back to the jogging routine, probably start with some brisk walk first. aim to achieve my goal by my next birthday!

i am tempted to summarize my 2016 goal but i just have this feeling that i will blog again tomorrow, considering how quiet the office is this month! :D

2015 - last post

went home over the weekend and it was a good one.
of course there was also an incident that made me realized more and more that you cannot depend n anyone other than yourself and your parents. and for that, you need to save for your own future and not giving up on finding your other half.
no matter what, nephew and nieces are still not your kids. your siblings are someone else's partner. if you don't have a partner or kids, you just have to rely on yourself.
do you want to be alone forever? no ..
so keep looking for that person who you could enjoy the rest of your life with.

on another note ...
i have decided that 2016 will be a year of reading - less drama, more books.
and for this i want to challenge myself to at least one good book each month.

more quality books for this little brain of mine!

December - an update

it's so close to the end of the year and I would like to recap my accomplishments this month now.
let's see ...

1. I've brought my parents Dubai for 6 days; they are happy and I am happy too! though I may not bring them somewhere far next year as I need to save some money for my other dream, I will still think of a short getaway for them next year
2. I've started my new job. It's totally different from the previous job that I have to keep reminding myself things are different - more 'adult' environment and definitely more diversity; you don't hear people speaking mandarin in a discussion, which is AWESOME! job scope is also different - no more presentation, proposals which I think I will miss it one day, more routine job .. but it's totally new for me. and I aim to learn the business process while doing the work, for my own advantage in the future
3. I've managed to reach the amount I aimed to save this year! and I have to focus on saving more if I want to fulfill that dream of mine

on another note ...
I went to an ex-colleague's wedding last week; met few bosses from the region, one of them cornered me asking the reason I left and sharing what she heard from the other side. well, it's a little too late for that seriously, but always good to know that some people still appreciate you. Buddha approached me to say hi as he wasn't around on my last day, some excuses given which I just decided to listen and can't be bothered about it. Invited me to a team event, which I politely declined. Asked why I only went out for lunch with one person, well .. do you ever treat me like you care when I was around? Isn't it too late for now? Glad I am out of that toxic environment.

now, going forward ...
What do I want to accomplish in 2016? in summary:

• I want to achieve my dream weight by my next birthday! but I want to aim to lose at least 5 kgs before the end of January 2016
• I want to pick up running again and I aim to run in every city I visited - this is my 2016 resolution!
• I want to save money, at least 50% of my monthly earning so that I can achieve my dream of being a homeowner in Q1-Q2 of 2017.
• I want to make my parents happier; and now that there's a prayer room in this company I want to not miss a prayer! Let me be a better me in 2016
• I still want to travel the world, already have few countries lined up and for this I have to cut down on my taxi expenses
• Should I take driving lesson? still wondering about this

That's it for now ..
I kinda look forward to my blogging about my January accomplishment - see if I embarrass myself or make myself proud :)

Hello, from the other side ...

I am at the end of my 2nd week in the new place. so far so good.
new environment - more adult environment, i shall say.
new job description - everyone is of the same level, everyone is like leading the team (LOL), but overall people are nice.
do i like it? do i love it? too early to say anything, but so far so good

definitely a lot of new things for me to learn. and since what i am hired to do will only start next week, i will be involved from day 0! how more exciting can it be.
currently i am working on another team's job - something new too, although it's a little mundane, i got to learn new tool and at the same time understanding the process of elimination performed in financial institution.

other than that?
I've fulfilled my dream to bring my parents for a trip outside of Asia, more to come please God.
and now my focus is saving as I want to own a property by 2017!

Wish me Luck!

Ambition

1st day of November.


somehow going through few people's pages today makes me want to be part of something good. I want to be part of something big and good. I know for this I have to take little steps and make changes to my current lifestyle.
Starting tomorrow I am going to cut my drama and do something more beneficial, something I haven't done in ages - read good quality book, watch good documentary, challenge myself, challenge my brain and head back to the person of quality I always aim to be.
I will wake up early and hit the road - even if it's a 10 minutes walk to start with, I will do it. I want to achieve something good before 2016 kicks in!!


wish me luck! I will update my accomplishment (no fall back) by end of this month, if not earlier :)


on another note, added to my bucket list: learn to drive again.

October - a recap

Now that October is ending soon, I just want to recap the happenings in this month. I dare said that this is the month I made one of the biggest decision in my life - leaving a company I have been with for 16 years!
I was told yesterday that buddha asked if I confirmed am leaving this place - and he shook his head when the answer was yes. He admitted that I am the person who started this service offerings, at least he remembered that. Still sad if I think of that.
I started cleaning my desk yesterday and somehow I couldn't help feeling emotional. Who would've thought this day would come .. but it comes!

OK, accomplishment is October:-

• I QUIT my job - mixed feelings still, but I quit!!
  
• I finally signed up for 30 sessions of personal training aiming to look a bit good on my last day
  
• I have completed my photography course, now all I need to do is practice practice and practice
  
• I have booked the trip with my parents - after all I believe all the blessings I received are partly due to their constant prayer for my well being
  
• I am actually considering a trip for myself during the Deepavali break - hopefully the leave is approved; otherwise, :\

That's it .. I will recap my accomplishment at the end of every month - that way I can keep on challenging myself to do better.

And yes, I really want to be outstanding in my new place so that everybody realized how wrong it was to make me go .. I know a few have felt that, even the boss who held me back; but I just want to make myself proud of my own accomplishments in all aspects - relationship with the creator, family, life and love ...

all the best, me!

The journey begins

After years .. yes YEARS ... of delaying, succumbing to my laziness I finally took the plunge and committed myself to 30 sessions of personal training. Today was the 1st day and gosh, I was so amazed with how totally unfit I am. Even the trainer was saying that I am sooo out of shape :|
I asked if I can look good by end of November, he said NO! haha .. but we will both work hard and I will be fully committed to this.
As he said - I am not saying it's going to be, but let's make it worth it!

Joke of the day

so, year end review is finally released ... a month after we received our letter :D

Overall rating:
4 - exceeded expectations

Comments:
XXX has shown commitment and enthusiasm. 
She started to lead teams across the region. 
She done jobs from beginning to end with good outcomes and within time frame and budget. 
She can execute well and over come challenges. 
She has done very well at manager level.
We will like her to concentrate on building ZZZ brand and business development.

The following are areas that XXX can focus on to position herself to take on an SM role:
1) Be known for something in the firm and the market - self branding
2) Take initiative to step up to take the lead in a situation - leadership
3) Understand trends,market and competitive landscape - strategic thinking
4) External focus and proactive in business development - invent your future

exceeded expectations ... but no promotion
done very well ...             but no promotion
take on SM role ...           but no promotion

I would rather they tell me point blank that there isn't any headcount left for SM than telling me I haven't do any business development.

Hence my satisfaction of winning one before leaving this place ..
can't do BD? can't do BD what?
good riddance!

heart warming

"It's a loss to the firm"

"What are we gonna do without you?"

Those simple yet powerful words are very heart warming.
And that they came from the people who are practically new to this place makes it more precious.

Thank you for those sweet words ...

Bucket list - an update

so i haven't update my bucket list for SO long ..

let's update those that have yet to be accomplished and what I have accomplished from October onwards ;)

1. Lose weight - an ongoing never ending plan :'(
2. Bring mum and dad for yet another trip, this time around somewhere a little futher
3. 10K in 2015
4. Head back to french class
5. ACFE .. should I still do this I wonder.
6. Learn SAS
7. A trip for myself, crocodile in Darwin?

On another note, my accomplishments in September/October:

1. I QUIT MY JOB ..
    totally unplanned, totally unexpected but just gotta do it
    was an emotional wreck when I talked to the boss, but hey I have been here for 16yrs! it's not an
    easy decision *although i wish there is a time machine so i could be more ehm, professional*

2. Photography class ..
    after so long, I finally took the plunge and pretty happy that I can operate manual now, still LOTS       of room for improvement, but YAY

I M Possible

I jokingly said that maybe I'll return here when I'm offered a high post. And then a dear brotherly friend told that it could happen, that I shouldn't underestimate myself.

It's true - with hardship comes ease. with hard work comes result. nothing is impossible because i have a great God who turned all my wishes into reality. I just need to work hard to achieve it!

Emotional wreckage

Now that I think about it, I am an emotional wreck.
I shouldn't have shed a tear in front of the boss saying I'm not happy .. that I haven't been happy for months .. that I've decided to stop shedding tears for this company.
I can imagine him saying behind me to his 'partner' - 'if she's not happy then go la .. '
And I know they can't wait to see me fail ..

I will change ...
I will no longer shed a tears and I will no longer speak about my feelings
I will enjoy the next few weeks for memory sake
I will no longer complain or say anything, I will think 10 times before saying anything - no matter how upset they make me feel
I will move on
and I WILL prove them that I am happy out there

me and my emotion :|

Fume!

Fxck this place!!

Now they're telling me it is my fault that all these happened!!
Yeah right ..
it is my fault for being assigned to a counselor from another country
it is my fault that my counselor is very busy and had no time
it is my fault that the counselor spoke to the big boss and said things are tough for me when this big boss knows nuts about me
it is my fault that none of my own team .. MY OWN TEAM! speak up for me
it it my fault for everything

yeah right!
I will work dang hard to prove you guys wrong - it's your loss not mine!!

*can't wait to cut the ties ...

Mixed

I'm jealous of the way ... you're happy without me :|

Why do I have this mixed feeling about buddha?
one on hand i want to get out of this place, but on another hand i don't want to let go of buddha

Moved On .. soon!

God is great. God is awesome. God is PERFECT!!!

after months of desperation wondering if I could ever save what pride I have left, He gave me the answer - and they're all exactly as my dream!
so i have received the incentive i surely well deserved. and i also found a new job!
i told myself that if i earned a certain amount i will take my parents on a trip. and i got that exact amount!
i thought of giving the parents certain amount more, and guess what? after negotiating it, i received that certain amount more!

If this is not God's blessing, what it is?

I hope I don't burn the bridges here but as I said to everyone I want to move on. I need to move on.
What's waiting for me at the end of the tunnel? Only God knows and with what He has blessed me with, I trust him with all my heart and soul. God's plan is ALWAYS the best!

Moving on

Today the progression list came out - I tried hard to held back the tears as promised, no more tears for this freaking company.
Although it almost betrayed me I managed to held it back. I am feeling great about myself and hopefully I can stay this way until my last day in this place.

ENOUGH

Today will be the last time I drop tears because of my company. Not a single drop after today, apart from tears of joy I guess.
I have been wondering lately if it's worth staying now that there are more engagement opportunities. But then tears started flowing down uncontrollably when I saw the list. My peers is my senior. My junior is my senior.
This is the 2nd time I was held back, how many more should I face in the future? Enough is enough.

Like now, here I am working on several proposals on my own. Leaving me to do work for the next rank and yet not wanting to move me up. This is the 2nd time I've got held back for the same reason another person is promoted.

And that disappointment on how focusing on one favourite job backfired when all the acknowledgement went to someone else and yet I got all the bad review for not spending enough time on other jobs. wtf to the max!

No more tears for this place. No more self-pity. Time to move on. no changing my mind.
Enough is enough!

the only way is UP

I believe in achieving anything in life such as losing weight, getting a promotion, finding the love of your life, learning, getting healthy, and anything that you desire. You need to take the first step to get there and then just keep moving forward. Before you know it, you can be at the top.

So for those stopping my move, watch me walk away!

CHANGE

I don't know what's wrong with me!!
I didn't do any hari raya visiting back home, not in the mood to meet the guest and basically just not into doing anything. I know part of it is due to what's happening at work .. I'm just not happy anymore. But the other part of it is due to my own fault - my confidence level is so low because of my appearance. I might not be in control for the things that happened at work, but I am in control of my own appearance!! I HAVE to make a change.
up until today, not only did I not meet my challenge of losing weight .. I gained more!! what is wrong with me??

The past week after heading back to work I have to face reality - the counselor of mine was in town. Though I tried as much as I can to avoid that topic he brought it up again and again. He was suggesting me to get away from here and try in another office for awhile, something I thought about before but I'm no longer in the mood. He asked me to let go of this shxtty year and think of the future instead, but how could I? This betrayal hit me deep down to the bone, this double standard .. I really can not accept it. No matter how busy I am, how occupied I am with other stuff, the minute this issue is brought up I got teary. Until when can I stay this way?
Honestly, when he's in town and brought me to meet potential client, involved me in pitching and all, I got motivated again, like I can see the future. But then I was hit back by reality - he no longer has control/power over me. The new guy with power is different from him. The reality is that the new guy won't involved me in any pitching. In fact, like what I told my counselor, I did more last year than this year. And yet I was told that I'm not ready. When I did more than my seniors. Simply because the new guy is new that he didn't see, hence didn't acknowledge my accomplishment. At times I ended up doubting myself. This is not healthy!!
But ...
No offer until today. Though I'm not giving up, I'm not settling either. When deadline arrives I have to make the final decision - move out, 'change level' or trying new place for 3 months. I cannot tell myself that it's okay to be treated this way again. I have to make the right decision - get out of this unwelcome place before it happens again.

On another note ...
I bought myself that beautiful simple piece of ring I have been thinking of. I am a happy lady. I decided to reward myself every now and then as a token of appreciation to myself.
AND
I have also decided that today is the last day of being a bum. I have to make some changes and be disclipine with it. Move around, clean the house now that the helper is not coming back and get back to the gym. My holiday is just around the corner and let's try to lose few kgs shall we?

69.2 kg today.
I shall report back in a week's time

Antarctica!

I've just registered myself for the 2016's Antarctica Expedition.
I've always wanted to go there and now that I found out about this, it's like a sign to really give it a try.
Praying hard that I will be selected for this once in a lifetime experience!!

Mission *suck it up*

I realized the person who likes to complain to me is no longer talking to me; well she complains about her own best friend so what makes you think she wouldn't complain about me to others as well. She used to use me to be close to others and now that she's closed to them what more use am I?

OK, let's stop being negative.
Maybe she has decided that I am no longer the person to complain to because I too have my own complaints now that it makes her feel negative? I guess she doesn't realized her complaining has the same effect on me.

OK .. let it go and let's focus on the big picture - getting out of this place!

I realized that I am no longer the cheerful, positive person I used to be. I drag Monday, I don't talk like I used to, I am basically very down. Maybe it's my own doing because I really cannot accept the fact that my promotion is held back for a year because I haven't do what a senior manager was supposed to do when the senior managers themselves are not doing it!! all because of the new leader with new direction and unlucky me was the only one on a run for a promotion when he joins.

OK .. let's focus on the bigger picture: getting out of the comfort zone and prove them all wrong.
2 months to go before making the final plunge - mission sucking up starts now!

Move On

Know when to walk away .. and start something new

Challenge

Would you take a challenge even if that means diving into the unknown with two possible outcome - to rise above all or fall deep?

But life is all about challenges, no?

Victim no more

I have to change my attitude. I have to change the way I look at this world.
This bad thing that is happening to me, let's change it to be the BEST thing that happens to me.

Never give up, think highly of yourself and proof the world wrong!

Change

I seriously can't believe it!
After all the hard work I put in, all the late hours, sacrificing personal time for work and all, even trying to do more than a director the big gunner still think I am not ready for promotion because I am not ready to sell

What a load of nonsense!!
No one else in this department sell and just because he is new with high expectation, and my luck to be under him I received that feedback.

AND at the same time this girl who just joined like 3 months ago was promoted simply because 'it wasn't her fault that she has no opportunity to manage a job'

Favoritism at it's best!!

I'm trying so hard to see this from the positive side - to see this as an eye opener, opportunity. This could be the ultimate sign for me to move on.

Sometimes change is simply inevitable :\

JUNE!

TIME FLIES!!
It's already the 6th month of the year and I have yet to make any significant changes on myself

Just came back from a short break, solo trip. It's been awhile since my last solo trip that I really really enjoyed this. I even took all the touring solo instead of joining a group tour, partly because I have quite a short time and also because I'm not into mingling.

Did some soul searching, reflecting on life and friends, and realized that some friends took me for granted, only use me when they need me. am i disappointed? Of course, I'm a human. but will that change me to the worst? Nope. I take all these as lesson learned and be more cautious in the future.

Anyways. it's June!!

Challenge of the month: no taxi! Well, unless it's work related (i.e. reimbursed by the company)

Another challenge to be taken seriously: LOSE WEIGHT!
I've gained additional 2 kgs within the past for days, crazy or what? I'm currently 70.1 kg! crazy to the max.

During the trip I asked myself:
Do I want to be single forever? nope.
Have I done anything to change that? nope

Then I asked myself again if I really really want that to happen why am I not making any changes?

So yes, I've decided that I will keep my weight posted here so that I am shaming myself if I don't make any changes to my life.
And there are still 6 months in 2015, not too late work hard and make changes to my life

Bucket List - an update

looking at the bucket list I realised that there are still a lot to have accomplished before the year ends.
so far the ones that I've accomplished and proud of are bringing the parents for a trip and attending Mandarin course.

I would like to add few items to it and re-iterate those that is very important!
- start knitting/crocheting
- challenge myself to a week of $10/day incl. transport
- register and sit for the ACFE exam
- and of course the ultimate, lose weight!
- start saving money to buy a house, or in this case - apartment/condo.

7 months before the end of the year; there are still a lot to do!!

Rant

Nowadays, I couldn't care less about what people think of me.
I used to be worried if I offended someone or spent days thinking how to make people like me or involved me in their activities.

But, now? forget it

You forget to include me when all this while I've been caring about you? well, you're off my list
You only approach me when you need help but when you're having fun you exclude me? you're off my list

I am getting more and more suspicious of people that seems to be close to me. I do realised that most of the time I made the effort to get to know them first, which is okay.
But if you only respond out of being polite, forget it!

I guess it's true that as you grow older you moved from wondering how to befriend someone to who is worth befriending!

Changed

Sometimes I wonder, am I that bad in people's eyes?

I shared my unhappiness and ended up being judged

I cared for someone even felt hurt when she didn't get what she deserved and ended up not being acknowledged, totally forgotten when they are having fun

I do realize that some people will only look for me when they need help or something; when it comes to having fun? I'll be stroke off the list

I know I took the being judged situation to the extreme .. totally removed them from my mind so as not being hurt anymore although I am the one feeling like an outcast now.
Yes I know I am being overly sensitive but I'd rather avoid the whole thing than ended up in the same situation again - being judged.

The year has not even reach half yet I have lost few friends ...

now, cheer up!!
It's okay if people don't include them in their fun list.
It's okay to avoid people so as not to be judged again in the future ..
Just use the energy into something more meaningful and let's just focus on my own goal!

On career

I have always been reminded that I myself am in charged of my own career but I never really take it seriously - partly because I am too busy with work and well, honestly also because I just couldn't be bothered, taking things for granted.
Until the recent update that might affect my progress.
So now I stepped up and asked directly about it, I may look ambitious but hey, come on .. who isn't ambitious in the corporate world. If you're not what's the point of working? Some might say they're not but seriously you just have to admit the fact that there is always a little, even if it's very very tiny, ambitious in each of us.

I now make it known that I too, am ambitious ... I've been walking the walk and now I've started talking the talk ... Let's see.

Bucket List

-- updated on 18th May 2015

A promise made to myself: at least one new challenge a month!!
And the challenges are basically what I have in my bucket list - if you don't clear it soon, you will never clear it.

JANUARY

well, kinda too late for this ;) but let's see what did I do in January ...
ah okay

1. Managing 7 jobs at the same time: CHECKED! 

FEBRUARY

1. Canyoning, jumping off the cliff conquering my fear of falling hard into the water: CHECKED! 
2. Managing downward: in progress
3. See the komodo dragon: CHECKED! 

MARCH 

1. Register for ACFE exam and study well - have to do !!
2. LOSE WEIGHT!!
3. Register for Mandarin Course - CHECKED!  starting in April

APRIL

Okay, it's April in the next few days and I have yet to register for the ACFE, boohoo me!
and the losing weight is not progressing at all :\

Mandarin course will start in 2 weeks time and maybe I'll keep myself steady first with this course before committing myself to the ACFE exam

But seriously, let's lose some weight before April ends

1. START Mandarin course - CHECKED!
2. Save money .. A LOT of it to get myself THAT Cartier watch - yes I have one in mind
3. Bring the parents to yet another holiday trip - CHECKED! we went to LANGKAWI!
4. Start running again

MAY

1. Register for ACFE exam - no more procrastination!! :'(

2. Plan a holiday for myself - CHECKED!  Laos, Marocco and maybe maybe S. Korea come to mama!

JUNE

1. Lose 8 kg!
2. Register for ACFE exam

3. No taxi for a month!
4. Go to bank to get assessment on housing loan

JULY

1. Lose more weight
2. Save money, start planning for the house purchase
3. Study for ACFE

I love me

A reminder from a friend:
'You don't find a man, you just need to love yourself'

With that in mind, I woke up this morning and dressed up just for myself and nothing else. And how wonderful the day turned out to be!

Indeed, you just need to love yourself .. and everything else will fall in it's place

2015

how time flies .. few blinks and 2015 has arrived!


OK 2015 ... resolution? no!


I'm aiming to clear some of the items in my bucket list this year, and on top of the list is LOSING WEIGHT!!


I hope I can do it - I CAN DO IT!! I HAVE TO DO IT!


I'm aiming to lose at least 5 kg by 25th Jan 2015 .. let's focus to get there!


2014 is the year where all my leave was either rejected or cancelled due to work commitment.
the good point of it is that I managed to clear most of my credit cards bill - last one will be cleared by end of this month!


Although I'm craving for some holiday this year I have to remind myself to be vigilant still. Buying a house - that is one item in my bucket list that has to be ticked off before I hit 45!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!