Long Overdue

Been ages since my last update, partly due to blogger being blocked in the office :|

Anways ...

Had an awesome two weeks in England. I never thought I'd be so much in love with that country that I have been thinking of heading back even during my trip!
Had a good catch up with Claire who brought me to places I would never dream of visiting if I were to go alone or with another friend.
Oh, I've signed up for a driving lesson! I promised her that our next road trip will have two drivers

I finally took the plunge. I adopted not one, but two .. TWO perfectly beautiful cats - a kitten and her mum. I was so excited and get a little teary when I unwrapped the scratching post I bought for them. This must be the feeling of every parents when they realised their hard earned money is put into someone that the kids will love. So, until the day I have kids of my own I am going to spoil rotten my two fur babies.

Went home during Ramadhan only to get it cut short because my aunt passed away. Who would've thought that I'd be spending the eve of Syawal on board the plane with mum and spending the 1st Syawal sending my aunt off to her final resting place. Life is indeed, vulnerable.

I'm done with my leave but still lack the motivation to head back to work. I have spent 2 days working from home, and planning to do the same tomorrow. This new job is not giving me the motivation, I am not really passionate now. I need to motivate myself and move back to what I love ASAP. for now, I will focus on the bonus and then look for internal move. I think part of this lost of interest is due to the fact that I am starting from the bottom again when those above me are not that competent, I am still frustrated with how things work in commercial, and that this role requires no business trip. I think I am quite okay with no business trip now that I have two fur babies that depend on me, I just need to really get used to this new slow pace environment. I should really really make use of this slow pace environment to do something else - I really need to think on what I really enjoy doing and make a profit from it..

Another ambition - property for my birthday present!! Might be a month or two later if I were to wait for my bonus, but lets aim for that. I am going to apply for citizenship too so that I can fulfill my dream of being a home owner ASAP.
Wish me luck!

SLOW!

I just realized this - it's already May, 5 months since I started focusing on my diet and 7 months since I spent loads of money on a trainer. And what did I get so far? 5 kgs down .. ONLY 5 kilos!
My trip is just around the corner, the trip where I imagine I'd look good in photos due to all the weight loss will not happen.
I asked myself why? I lost 5kgs in a month before, now I don't even have a stable 5kgs weight loss even after 7 months on training!
Is my trainer suck? well, he ain't as great as others to be honest but he still trained me!
It's my diet. It's my lifestyle and I am regretting it now!!

OK, enough regret.
The parents are in town and I have to bring them out for dinner and all which means I have to eat too .. maybe I should control myself and be firm - you guys eat, I choose a healthier version here.

I have 5 days to work on losing more weight - though I dream of losing 5, let's aim to lose 2-3 kilos.

Random

So i checked my email yesterday and there it was - an email from that company to schedule an interview. I was excited and nervous at the same time, am I capable for this? do I really want to give it a try?
Then I told myself - the reason I have yet to achieve what I dream of is because of my timidity, my lack of confidence in myself!
I reminded myself on the cover letter I wrote for this place - I believe I sold myself well, and I do have the capability so go for it! don't think too much and just give it a go with the best that I can do.

So yeah, I decided to give it a go - never try never know. and I should keep on working towards my goal. And at this age, I can't delay it. I still have time - although limited - to do more than I am doing now. I always feel that I am destined to do more and this is my time to give it a try!

On another note, a colleague just came back from a road trip with her parents and while sharing the experiences they all agreed that travelling with old folks required us driving on our own. I suddenly have this want to bring my parents on a road trip - driven by me, not private car. So with that in mind, I have added additional stuff to my bucket list: learn to drive.

Now, lets find a driving course.

Be Patience ...

I have been a bit of an emotional wreck for the past few days. Mostly because of not having anything to do at all at work when others are busy. And I still can't get over the fact that the team lead is someone of the same level as me. Although I have to admit that the banking and statistic background give him a better start compared to me.
I was busy looking for another opportunity - inside and outside of this environment. I was - am - still tempted to apply for that role even when I know I don't really have all the experience required. I applied to few places as well, hoping that somehow one of them will get back to me. So far none, but I am not giving up yet.
I realised one thing though - I enjoy consulting, I enjoy meeting people and travelling for work. Will I head back to consulting? I want to, so very much - but I don't want to move back to the Big 4; at least not now. I told myself yesterday that I should gain some knowledge here and go back with a higher position.
This morning, fresh with the post-workout energy I told myself .. give it time. No matter how crappy and slow things are here, stay for a bit more. Things will eventually pick up. Meanwhile, take courses that can enrich your opportunity to move to another role internally.
I am writing this but honestly my heart is screaming 'remember your age!'
But if I move now, I will be stuck in this level. I might as well be patience and enrich myself with that certification. Let's make the call now!

MY FEAR of looking stupid is HOLDING ME BACK

so here it goes ...
there's an opening - something interesting, but it's a bit, well 2 levels higher than where i am now. i am interested to be honest, but i'm not sure i am ready or even qualified for that!
my buddy said i can but do i want to risk it all and look stupid? or should i just give it a go, so what if i look stupid? if its meant to be it will be anyway right?

i dunno man ...
maybe i'll sleep on it and make the decision tomorrow since deadline is tomorrow.

Awakening

So yesterday i dropped by the old company to meet an ex-colleague for dinner. There, i saw few colleagues of mine but didn't bother to stop and say hi :)
But what hit me is the face of one of the lady - she was looking up at the ceiling, letting go an exasperation sigh. She doesn't look happy and she doesn't look great.
It just hit me that THAT was me before. Yes, I love what I did back there but do I really want to sacrifice my life, is it worth that much?

I may not feel contented - yet - in this place because things move too slow here. But rather than complain about it, shouldn't I make use of the time for my own benefit? Learn something new, get organize, anything! First time in my life did I took note of my travelling expenses. First time I started to really think about what I want and even planned to make a drastic change to achieve that dream of mine.

Just few days ago it hit me that I am no longer at the age where I can get away with wanting to start something new and not start it fast. If I want to make changes, if I want to start something new I have to do it fast! I am no longer in my 30s, let alone 20s. I am at the age where people have planted their feet firmly on the ground.

So rather than complain or feeling unhappy, I should take things positively - data is not in, so what should I do? enrich myself!

Destination: dream world

OK, I kinda decided where I want to go next year!!
I know it's too early, not to mention I don't know how long will it take to save back all the money used for this year's holidays but you know I'm positive that I can do whatever I want to do!

So here the are:
- cherry blossom (a must!) in South Korea, I know Japan is prettier but I'll stick to South Korea for now
- Bhutan! and this will be my epic adventure for next year

Of course, I still keep my eyes focus on having my 1st property next year and this will be the top priority still.
I have Antarctica (still) and Kilimanjaro on my list - but this, will be keep for now.

My savings is kinda slow this year thanks to all the crazily expensive travelling but next year, let's work harder. and go back to my kind of travelling - budget controlled travelling ;)

Of Mindset and Success

I have to agree that MINDSET IS EVERYTHING!

Before I go deeper ...

I read about what successful people do and some of the things are: they never stop learning, they network with the right people, and they don't lunch alone.
I need to work on the networking part and I am trying to blend to my team now, but I have not done anything on the never stop learning part.

Yes it is difficult to network now that I have yet to work in a team with people from other department. But I can start with the learning part, no?
I always think of making an apps - and always want to learn how to build a mobile app. But I never really do anything on it!!

I may have problem networking with people because of the role that I am in but I have to make an effort to know people around me, no? It will take time and I know it's difficult considering I am alone in my own place (I don't understand this seating arrangement) but I will try my best to do so. And instead of seeing this as a hurdle, I have to turn it into an opportunity! I shall start by smiling to people and who knows, maybe one day I can have lunch with them - expanding my network.

I have to change this mindset of mine. I currently see myself as a victim - of the bad seating arrangement, of the boss' bad team management that I ended up with being a team member instead of team leader. But I should take this down opportunity to learn mobile application development. And I should prepare myself to talk to my boss about this project arrangement.

I shouldn't see things negatively, instead I should make use of the time to plan for a better future. Mindset is everything and from today onward I aim to think of all the good things that are waiting for me - back to my ideal body weight, building my first mobile application, networking for a better career (and focus on that wanting to reach a successful point before 45) and of course still, not stopping to find myself a life partner.

I am changing my mindset starting this very second.
CHANGED!

March - a lookback

March is coming to an end and there's nothing awesome happening still :|
I've started my volunteering in the cat museum - it's fun but it's not really meaningful because the cats are all in pretty good shape. Maybe I should go and see if I can do another volunteering with the cat welfare society.

I've participated in my 1st volunteering with the firm as well; though it was fun no continuous friendship comes out from that, maybe not yet.
It's my 4th month with this firm and I have yet to do something meaningful. I haven't had any accomplishment and honestly it is getting to be very frustrating. I used to come from an environment where you tend to want to know more than what's given but in this team? everyone is just focus on their own stuff without even thinking of the business impact of things :|
Yes I have to admit this team is a technical team and so I know that I won't be staying in this team for long, I want to move back to business. But since I haven't learn anything much I will just stay put and wait patiently for the time to come.
I will definitely voice it out again during the mid year review - I want something I can own. Now I am basically getting instruction from someone who is supposed to get instructions from me had we both work in my previous company.

On another note, I have move to another building. The building is freaking old - the worst building and facility in my 16 years of working in this area! But, I am in the same place with my ex colleagues and ex supervisor. He introduced me to other people, though it's done through email I hope one day we can meet face to face and I will start building the relationship for my future.

I know I am capable of doing more than what I am doing now. I don't want to always be stuck in doing technical stuff. I want to be back to the management level, to the business level. I am seriously not satisfied at this moment, But I will wait and learn whatever I can, and I will climb back up again - one way or another. I will. I have to reach that point by 45!

On a better note, 65.9 this morning!!
I see the number '5'!! let's aim to be at least 65.5 next week, shall we?

FDA

fraud detection analytics.

This will be my focus - i kinda entered the wrong place; thought it's fraud analytics but ended up the analytics here is more on tuning :|
I will use the next year or so to learn the tools - get familiar and be an expert with it.
And plan my next step, if there is no improvement here .. find opportunity elsewhere.

I will still try to talk to my boss to give me something I can own, but he doesn't seem to understand what I mean. Instead I am getting instruction from my peers .. okay, he has more experience as he comes from the similar background. But I've told myself to look forward - think of the future, move back to the fraud environment if possible.

fraud detection analytics. sounds very tempting!

HCMC baby

so I have been contemplating on heading down to HCMC again for my annual trip with the parents for awhile. I wanted to but at the same time I was also thinking about the high expenses incurred this year - my UK trip, my year end trip, dad's hospitalization, my PT. But I also remind myself that this is for my parents, no amount of money could replace the happiness they'll encounter from this trip; especially mum who has been curious about HCMC for ages.
I wanted to fly budget but I'm worried about mum's knees. I told myself maybe I should just close my eyes and do the booking, but common sense said no.
And guess what, today I chanced upon a promotion .. much more cheaper than the previous promotion. Of course it requires me to apply leave. I wanted to but still thinking if it's worth the leave and guess what? it's a public holiday on Monday so I need to just apply 1 day leave!!! and on top of that, I got a nice hotel with a reasonable price!
God is definitely on my parents side for making all this promotion available for me to proceed with making my mum's dream of HCMC comes true!!

another unplanned trip - but this one is worth every single penny!

Revisiting the goal

It's almost the end of Q1 2016, let's revisit my 2016 goal and see how far (or behind) I am ...

1. Lose weight
   As of this morning, I am 65.8!
   still a long way to go, but Yay .. 5 kgs down! 15kgs to go
   
2. Running
   I've done one last week :\ and hopefully I can wake up early to do another one tomorrow morning.
   Need to work this out!!
   
3. Savings
   So far not bad; although not as what I want but at least I'm still there - few unexpected expenses but it's all for good stuff.
   
4. Reading
   Damn you, korean drama!! okay need to work on this.
   
5. Travelling
   Apart from the year-end expensive trip, I've made another unplanned and pretty expensive holiday and one short trip! but that's it - no more travelling in between. Maybe when the parents are in town, but let's see. For sure no more for myself!
   
6. Parents
   I spent a lot of time with the parents this year - dad being hospitalized also opened my eyes that I have to focus on them both! not just mum. I've also decided to go home every month. Okay, this is not travelling, this is daughter's duty! They're not getting younger so I aim to treasure and love and make them happy as much as I could
   
7. Computer
   I mentioned that this will be my Q2 target. Well, scratch that! I will make do with the computer I have now. I've spent the budget for my travelling so let's be patient.

my short term goal - lose another 5kgs by April!
Yes I know I can do it!

Be Patience

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones ....                      - william faulkner

So I had a chat with my line manager last week, nothing firm came out of it. In fact it kinda defeated the purpose of my requesting for the chat. I wanted to say 'I want ownership on some project' but I put it out mildly and he ended up talking about technical stuff!
I wanted to follow up today, sending him email to say about ownership on reporting dashboard but halfway through composing, a dear ex-colleague texted asking me out for coffee. So met them and shared my plan. To which he said 'lay low for awhile, learn the situation and learn everything before rising up'. The company isn't doing well. The world isn't doing well and don't get caught up and ended up being in a situation you can't get out.
Good advice. So I went back to my desk and deleted that email.

Let me spend the next few months learning from the others. Let me spend the next few months displaying my worth. If there is a goal chat, talk about it .. if not, wait for mid-year review and bring it up again. 

Be patience for now; learn and move up ...

FLY

"you were born with wings, so why prefer to crawl through life?"  - rumi

Yesterday I had a chat with my medium boss - not big, not small but the medium one :)
He said that he believe I have a lot of potential, that I have a future ahead of me ... but I didn't sell myself well.
He said that although the team has high IQ, they're still lack of EQ and that he can see I have the level of maturity that is still lacking here. All I need is to sell myself.
He and the big boss trust I can do more, the big boss actually have high confidence in me but unfortunately I am not selling myself a lot .. so for now I am only seen as helping this and that, not leading not managing - just helping.
He told me that I have to initiate more, get the boss to assign more responsibilities to me instead of just helping this and that ...

I accepted all his criticism openly and admitted to myself that is true. In the beginning back in my previous job they said that they know I am good but they think I lack the confidence. Honestly if you give me things to do I will do it well - it's been proven again and again after back in the previous job; but this took awhile to happen because I didn't sell myself from the beginning.

So, do I want to repeat the same mistake? I thought of laying low on my 1st year and spend the time absorbing all the knowledge. But my medium boss thinks otherwise, he thinks I should start from now .. and this made me think hard yesterday. I do realised that the person who is at the same level as me are giving more responsibility, and that was because he was vocal since day 1. And I need to build relationship with my boss too .. I shall not make the same mistake happened twice!

So, I started today with requesting a meeting with my boss to discuss this. I will ask him what I was supposed to ask from day 1 - give me 3 things that you expect me to do; and please let me handle the reporting dashboard *this is something I have been wanting to say for awhile :)*

Ambitious

I always think I am a laid back person, but as the year goes by I realized one thing - I am ambitious!

So, I am just a team member in my new job. I can see few colleagues, one who joined on the same time as me leading the team. I know I can do that job, I have been leading and managing a job and I am itchy to do it again. But I also admitted the fact that this industry, this domain knowledge is very new to me whereas the team lead has all the experience already - either from within this company, or from the industry.

So I told myself this - give me 2 years to be greedy and learning everything there is to learn; then move on. To another team? To another firm? I have no clue.
If it's within the same firm, I would like to move back to investigations although my background is data. To be honest, I want a job that allows me to travel - unfortunately though the pay is much better, this place doesn't involved travelling.

I have gone through the list of available jobs in the market and I think I am to be a head of either risk or compliance related role. I know I can do it, all I need is the opportunity and the strong will to never give up.

But for now, I'll focus on learning.

I WILL Survive

Dad was hospitalized last week and so I went home, work from hospital to focus on him. All these while we always focus on mum, so I think in a way this is the only time dad received proper attention from us all.
Thankfully he is out and about, though we still will monitor him. And I intend to go home again this weekend - anything for my parents!

This caused a little set back on my savings target. I am not complaining, after all he spent all his money on us! I already told myself, cutting back 1/2 of my month property savings is not a big deal. BUT then I signed another contract with my trainer :( and this will set me back for 2 months. And I have few holidays in line.

It makes me re-assess my financial status and told myself, I will reduce my tight savings by 20% so that I have proper travel and emergency fund. That way when something comes up I don't have to change my monthly savings for property but just use this fund.

On another note, I have lost a few more .. not that significant but at least there is some progression.
As of this morning: 66.8kg (though the weighing machine in the locker showed 67 :|)

Starting point - 70.2
present - 66.8

Now, I am trying to be diligent .. I aim not to touch that savings still and live on $140 for the next 2 weeks - let's see .. let's see ... I WILL SURVIVE!

Ambitious or not Contented?

So a friend of mine recently got a job in one of the awesome technology company in the world - free meals, nice view and I can imagine the package he's bringing home.
Somehow I felt challenge and wanted something more than what I have now. Ambitious? or is it just plain jealous when I'm all about being contented?
My focus now is saving for the future - get a house, save for retirement and of course the never ending quest of finding myself the other half.
Now that I think about it, is this because I have no job satisfaction in my current place? I know I have to give myself time to fit in and I know that once the project starts I will be freaking busy and maybe then I will feel more challenged.
I can't be someone who just sit and earn the bucks, I need to feel a sense of accomplishment in what I do. I need to be challenged.
I noticed one thing in this place - no one really give the whole picture of anything, and so you're doing it in pieces and getting the ideas as you go by. That is why I am hoping the project starts soon so that I can feel the sense of accomplishment and get back to my pure state of contentment!
But ambitious wise ...
I aim to stay here for a couple of years, get all the knowledge and once ready, move to other division or even to another place - I want to feel alive, and the only way for me to feel alive is to feel challenged!

Adapting

Now I know what people meant with not having a sense of achievement in commercial. Maybe because I am doing a repetitive work, I miss the adrenalin rush of working on tight deadlines, the business trip and all.
Can I see myself staying in this place for long? I'm not sure to be honest; but I won't go back to the same old environment as well. Let's see .. let's see

February comes early

It's February

I've lost close to 3 kgs only to gain 0.5kg back during my trip home. That is okay, I know I can do it. I aim to lose more before the end of this month.
Went for Thyroid follow up and I am so far normal! yeah, although I was a little annoyed with the different doctors attending to me, I'm glad it's normal. All I need now is to live healthily while continue monitoring it.

Nothing much to update for now, so I'll end it here.
Man, I need some spices in my life!

That number

I am just happy :)
The number on the weighing scale kept decreasing, even if it is just 0.1 but it is constantly decreasing. My clean eating definitely pay off. Still a very long journey but it makes me feel motivated now. I hope I can continue being this discipline.

Like the trainer said, you did well for 1 week .. do it for another week and see how it goes.
Starting point - 70.2
present - 68.1

I know it's a loooong way to head back to the good old 44 kgs, but I will get there!

Random

Just a random post close to end of Jan ...

*shivers* the end of the 1st month is coming and instead of losing, I gained weight!! but nevermind, I still have 10 days to fix it :D

So apparently one friend saw me in the gym and suggested that we go to the gym together one day. This might sound bad, but I am keen to do so; I am hoping to expand my social network again and I hope she could be a stepping stone for that. I have been spending weekends at home as I have nothing to do and no one to hang out with :(.
After the friends left, I didn't make an effort to make new ones until I am no like this ... home alone. Well honestly, I actually made an effort to join this and that .. but I didn't realize it in the end, partly because of the body - I lack confidence after gaining this much weight. I need to fix this!

On another note ...
Met my usual lunch partner last week and she told me about another friend's personal life. A friend who used to call me 'mom'. A friend who was closed to me once, but somehow we became apart because of some incident and also another person, indirectly. I was very disappointed to be honest, I am still if I can be very honest. But I keep telling myself 'so what?' What makes her so special that it affects me this much? As I have been telling people, the best revenge is to be happy, and I too have to be happy.
And that other person? only today she contacted me to 'complain'. And I know she did that because no one is around for her. It's okay ..  do whatever you like, I'll be happy no matter what. Happiness attracts everything good and I aim for that now.
See how my determination landed me the job and the salary I wanted; so now I will focus in achieving what I want in life and be damn about everything else.

Weight. Man. House - in that order ...
now let's work hard to achieve them all .. in 2016, early 2017 for the last one

A brand new start - 2016

It's already a new year and I am spending it in bed :D
today I'll be a bump, tomorrow I'll start my shopping, I'll start preparing on Sunday and come Monday? full head on! I need to lose at least 2kgs before my training session starts on 11th Jan.


Now that it is 2016, here is my goal :-

1. Lose weight
   I am committed to this and will update the progress every month. Today I am 69.3 kgs again :'(
   
2. Running
   I will start with slow jog, or maybe even brisk walking; I should get a new pair of shoes too now that the old one is used for gym
   
3. Savings
   I've burnt some of the saving to pay for my bills; so from the next pay onwards I have to save properly now that the bill is gonna be done soon
   
4. Reading
   read more drama less; challenging myself to reading 12 books this year.
   
5. Travelling
   Not going to not do any travelling because of my savings plan, but will be more selective and more discipline in the budget for travelling. I have decided to let go of the plan to travel during lunar new year and just go home instead - save money and also, meet the parents
   
6. Parents
   Make them happy!
   I have yet to fulfil their dreams of seeing me getting hitched. I can't decide on this, seriously! but until this happen I aim to make them happy in other ways. I know they are happy with the Dubai trip; unfortunately, I couldn't bring them somewhere far this year because I need to save money. I will still bring them somewhere nearby and be responsible for their travelling expenses. I don't need to beg my siblings nor do I want my parents to do that .. I will take care of them myself
   
7. Computer
   I seriously need to invest in a better computer, equipped with the licensed software. Maybe then I can start looking for a freelance job? I noticed there are a few out there, unfortunately I don't have the proper license to even come out with a proposal :|
   This will be my target in Q2, shall I achieve my targeted savings that is
   

This is my 2016 goal .. for now
I will revisit each item in the beginning of next month!