C'est Moi

TARGET

2012-01-27T11:34:00.002+08:00

i have to start saving and get myself a place of my own.
i have to be a homeowner in the next 3yrs!!

Fantasy Land

2012-01-10T17:39:00.005+08:00

i'm getting more and more into korean drama ...

and the problem is that i get too emotionally involved that at times it's too much. yes, that's just acting but wouldn't it be great if that happens in real life.
i told myself that before i have my own love story, i'll just enjoy those love stories.
wrong! a friend pointed out - the more you watch the higher your expectation is. so i have to stop myself from starting another one. i didn't watch it before anyway.

i. have. to. stop!

Crash Boom BANG

2012-01-06T16:39:00.004+08:00

i've been watching more and more korean drama lately. not good for a hopeless romantic like me because it will continue to linger in me making me wish how i experience that too :D

i told my friends that if korean guy are really as what portrayed in those drama, i don't mind getting one. one told me that korean guy is known to be a MCP.

so in between my break i googled 'is korean man as romantic as in drama' and ended up reading about one sweet scene - a scene i just watched last night. sad to say that i found another article where the actor in that scene said that he couldn't do it in real life.

*crashed*

GAP

2012-01-06T14:28:00.002+08:00

attended a birthday lunch ..
a girl 9 years my junior and yet they talked about it like they've hit rock bottom with the new age. not the first time but i think this will be the last time i join the birthday celebration - all this 'oh i'm so old' talk just makes me realised that i am old and i am still like this :

01.01.2012

2012-01-01T19:10:00.002+08:00

so i started the first day on the new year badly :D
1. i slept as late as 4 am resulted in me waking up late
2. i spent the whole day watching drama online - laundry and some cleaning up in between
3. i ate like there's no tomorrow - noodle, chips, peanuts, diet coke and all

yes i know .. bad bad me
BUT tomorrow i will start a new regime; the reason for my being frumpy today.
and to make myself embarrassed if i didn't achieve what i want to, i'll write it all down here and see how it goes (or even the excuses i make in the future if i disobey them)

1. early morning for early jog - if i miss this i still have to jog at night, but no .. i can't miss it!
2. healthy diet again - cook for breakfast and dinner
3. commitment to exercising 20 days in a row ..

as of today my weight is 64.1 kgs
lets see how it goes 2 weeks from now..

Reflections

2011-12-31T14:47:00.005+08:00

few more hours before 2011 disappears and a new number appears. it's not a biggie, it's just a number i know. but with all the things going on we started to reflect on our life - the bad, the good and all. we wonder if there is something we could do to make our future better, to make it a more meaningful life.
and so i am doing my own reflections ...

2011 :-
* a number of friends left the country for good, moving on. me? i'm still stuck in this country
* a number of cousins got married. me? i'm still not sure what i should do to even meet someone
* few people i know had a great career advancement. me? let's see what the next appraisal has for me

i can't say i have any regrets but yes i wish i could react differently in some situation.

so what's 2012 for me?

nothing much but i hope in this year i'd be more diligent with my income and also smart with my body - workout more. save more. and with God's permission, meet someone.
YES i know i have to work on them, there is no such thing as miracle. so yes, i'll try my best and work hard on them!

i don't have a lot of friends anymore in this country, but what i have left i hold dearly in my heart and i keep reminding myself that what matters are quality over quantity - so what if my weekends were not as busy as before. and i should start using this free weekends to work harder in achieving my dreams!!

other than that? i just wish to be happy; if possible happier than i am now.

i started writing with so many things in my mind but now i just want to stop writing and continue my drama :D

if you're reading this, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012
may we continue striving for the best, learn from our past mistakes and live life with no regrets

2012

2011-12-28T13:19:00.002+08:00

as 2012 approaches, everyone started having their own resolution. i am one who doesn't do that but hey, lets not be hypocrite and admit that secretly i told myself 'in this new year i should be better'
so though i don't have any resolution - to say - i am to STOP or maybe cut down on taking taxi and be more savvy with my income.
wouldn't it be great to have a place to call my own soon ...

oh WOW

2011-12-27T11:09:00.002+08:00

i've never been humiliated for being a single until last saturday's event. and to think all that happened just because i was trying to make someone happy!
a part of me wanted revenge. the other part of me just felt sorry for myself.
yes i wanted to try harder but i too have to accept the fact that in reality, it ain't that simple!

Words

2011-12-14T11:24:00.005+08:00

the more i waste my energy on words, the less convinced i will be of what i'm saying, and it will be the easier to get the better of me ...

- aleph, paulo coelho

Question

2011-12-09T11:12:00.000+08:00

one .. just one ..

WHEN?

Let Me

2011-10-29T02:41:00.003+08:00

this afternoon. the glimpse ...
allow me to have my own interpretation of it. even if it's a wrong one, even when the numbers are so against me let alone the others, please allow me to enjoy and keep it with me.

Action!

2011-10-19T15:55:00.002+08:00

they said the person who can safe yourself is you!
i've done my share; lets see if any changes gonna come

Affirmation

2011-09-12T22:08:00.003+08:00

1. i want to lose the 16kgs (or maybe even more!) i've gained for the past few years
2. i want to be in control of my body and my appetite, not the other way around
3. i want to complete my marathon this year in less than 5hrs
4. i want to feel happy when i look at a picture of myself
5. i want to leave bad things behind, include that 'what-if' playing in my mind since april 2010
6. i want to be positive in every single way as positive attracts positive life
7. hopefully i can meet someone before the year ends .. this might be difficult but hey, positive attitude!!

come tomorrow morning, everything starts anew!

Bring me the Sun

2011-07-13T11:32:00.002+08:00

beach holiday? didn't expect that, though i know it's just another way of making use of others. but wait a minute. friends don't do that. will keep that in mind. whether it'll stay there or eventually gone, let time answer that ...

Defeat

2011-07-07T15:01:00.002+08:00

it's tough to look at defeat in the eyes and smile. but life goes on and people move on. just never give up and keep trying for the best. someday, it will be your time ...

Message

2011-06-21T21:13:00.003+08:00

ok, i'm crazy

every now and then i take a peek. not that i want anything, i'm just curious. ok not true. i secretly hope a window will appear.

but now i asked myself: do i really want it? yes there is that part of me who wish for it, after all i'm a human being. but knowing how i'd be, do i really want to head down that road again? NO!

so, i guess it's better to not care. i HAVE to not care. don't want. don't care.

Belated

2011-06-15T14:08:00.003+08:00

i remember the date. but when the day came, i totally forget about it. i sent a wish last year. but this year, even if i didn't forget, i wouldn't.
i can safely say that you have been erased from my mind. not totally 'cos sometimes the story surfaced and the curiosity took over. but there is nothing more than that.
i'm happy and for that .. happy belated birthday to you!

Positive Attitude

2011-05-17T19:43:00.004+08:00

tomorrow remarks my 13th year in this country. i might have not achieve all the things i want. but if there's nothing stopping me what's keeping me here? i'm still waiting for the answer to that.

meanwhile, enough feeling blue. enough feeling like a crap.

GET OUT. DRESS UP. WORK OUT. AND GET YOURSELF WHAT YOU WANT!

(No) Way Out

2011-05-17T16:26:00.003+08:00

i saw a picture of the drinks and my mind turned wild. i can't control what's going on and to be honest i don't even know if i would like it if the idea turns real. but i couldn't help it.

just yesterday i received something and i was close to getting crazy trying to decrypt it when it is just a plain simple one.

the last time i experienced it i told myself no i am not into it. but whenever i don't know what's happenning, the whereabouts i became nuts. and the sad thing is that i have no rights to know what's going on.

this is SO not healthy. i seriously need to find a way out. i seriously need to work on how to fulfill the promise i made to myself, parading it.

Random

2011-05-15T23:18:00.002+08:00

watching a teenage series, i got this conclusion:- it's not the subject ... it's the idea that creates my non-stop thinking

and from a friend i got this:- God didn't give you who you want. instead God gives you what you need ... to teach you, to hurt you, to love you and make you exactly the way you should be

and yes, i learned!

Anger Management

2011-05-14T12:08:00.014+08:00

i have been angry for so long that it scared me. isn't it amazing how some people can bring out the worst in you. my ex-boss told me once 'if you are not happy with how things are working, make a change, take an action. if you don't want to then just shut up'. he of course shut up for quite a while and then took the action. i remember that everytime i am faced with the one who bring the worst out of me. for now, i'll just shut up and keep my eyes on the long-term goal.
today i decided while staying in focus might be a little tough, why not make some short-term goal and keep your eyes on it without letting the long-term goal disappear! so yeah, i have few short-term goal i'd like to achieve:

let's get back on the game of running: 5km. 10km. 15km. 21km. and back to the marathon with a better timing this year, please.

let's aim on getting myself an international driving license, shall we?

let's focus on these two for now. and let's see whether or not i strike it off!

Again

2011-05-07T12:36:00.001+08:00

it's closed ... again.
maybe this is a final sign. God's way of giving me time to adjust. and in few more days i'll make my final decision - i'm done with it!

Blessings ...

2011-04-29T10:51:00.002+08:00

on my way to work, the phone rang. dad's number. what's up i wonder. picked it up and heard mom's voice

'whatever you want to do, if you think it's good for your future, you have our blessings. your dad has given his permission so if you think it's good, do it'

i asked about my sister's plan and what i got is a 'don't think about your sister. she is married and all. you just think of yourself, of your future and whatever you think best for you, you got our blessings'

tears just started to flow. how can i not be touched. at the same time it made me feel bad for not being able to make them happy.

life is good when you have great parents - what more can i ask for...

Time Flies

2011-04-20T10:16:00.001+08:00

it's been a year ...

Inconclusive

2011-04-19T14:16:00.000+08:00

so how was it, a friend asked. it was okay, i guess. it started okay then along the way i started to think about adding something and couldn't wait for it to end and all that. it felt good, kinda like a good ending.
until few days later when the old thing started to creep up again.
so what did you think about it, the next question. i don't know. pretty confuse actually. definitely none of those mentioned but still wondering. i guess that's what happened when you're being in this situation for so long. all you need is just a little bit to wonder if it will be a repeating stuff. actually, the big part is good.
she smiled. i smiled. for all you know the result is good, she said again. no, it wouldn't be because of the different objective.
everyone needs experience in life. guess this is mine...

C'est La Vie

2011-04-18T14:21:00.002+08:00

it's hard to put on a strong face when you're breaking inside

life moves on though ...

Deja vu

2011-04-15T23:32:00.005+08:00

it started from an invitation. more like checking the 'rain check', i guess. i was reluctant but then i decided to give it a go. maybe i'm still curious or maybe because i don't know how to say otherwise. anyway, let's just take it as a test.

i know how the outcome would be even before sitting for the test. and i kinda make a promise to myself, that one day ... one fine day, i'll be the one parading it. and when that day come, i hope there's an 'if only ...' coming out from another party. bad i know, but i just want that!

during the time i was bored. why did i do what i did before. but at the same time, i can feel some happinness. i passed the test! and a new criteria came up - a 'wouldn't it be great if'. the whole thing kinda remind me of sara bareilles. seriously counting down 'cos there's no street to look out to start counting the cars.

day goes by. and it's creeping again. i guess it'll continue this way. until i fulfill that promise i made to myself. meanwhile ... let's just enjoy this deja vu.

Realisation

2011-03-28T18:21:00.001+08:00

doing this transcribing makes me realised that i have so much more potential than this. at this age, with these experience I can be much much more than I am now!

Determine

2011-03-27T20:46:00.005+08:00

a friend said: try again, it's worth the effort. be thick skinned.

i said: no, thank you.

but i'm determine - before my age turn to another one, i will make it. either getting one or getting out of this. i want to change. i need to change. i will change this!

Definitely Not

2011-03-15T11:10:00.002+08:00

yes, it is not meant to be. definitely not. i've known it for so long; and as if that's not enough, another announcement was made - gone to africa. hah! missed it last year, gonna miss it this year as well. and i thought i'd be getting one (and was waiting to see it, actually) extra wish this year.

won't be hidden let alone removed. it will stay there as a reminder to myself - never to assume anything fast.

(un)Lucky?

2011-01-13T10:40:00.004+08:00

the more you compare yourself with others, the more down you'll be. someone is definitely prettier than you, luckier than you. BUT someone out there is also not as lucky as you. if you miss the boat because you're not as pretty as the other person, or lose the chance because you're not as lucky as the other people, what can you do: mourn like there's no other tomorrow until you fall into depression? nah, mourn and move on! something better is waiting for you. afterall, beauty is in the eye of the beholder ...
the key to happinness is one and only one: contentment ...

Fixed!

2011-01-09T13:06:00.007+08:00

i'm taking the closed wall as a sign from the above. today is the last day for peeking. let the next two months be the practice period and come march, the turning point ... zip! my turn to close. and on the 1st *anniversary* ... shutdown!

now baby, make yourself proud ...

Acomodador*

2011-01-07T10:19:00.004+08:00

acomodador is the giving-up point. the event in out life that is responsible for us failing to progress. one should go beyond this point, to find the acomodador and work on it in order to conquer your own obsession.

my acomodador? a lot! though i can't really point out any, i know i have some ...

i guess the important thing is to be honest with yourself and to work on it?

so, what is yours?

*acomodador is a concept introduced by coelho in his book, the zahir.

Working on My Zahir

2011-01-06T14:40:00.002+08:00

in order to lessen the power, i have to stop peeking at everything surrounding it - the people, the activities, the comments, everything.
let's start it now ...

Zahir

2011-01-04T11:06:00.004+08:00

it was all good, so so good after reading the book. its about obsession. its about letting go. its about having peace with yourself, acknowledging the fact that sometimes you intrepret pride as love/caring/what-have-yous. that sometimes you just to accept things as the way they are. everything has its own time and place, we just have to wait and in the meantime, enjoy the present and not let that obsession (zahir) interferes with your life.

i'm having the peace. i'm having peace with myself.

and then it happened ...

that stooooopid message. i was annoyed. i controlled myself. and i kinda won the battle. at least i thought so. until now, little by little it's creeping again. i have to win this battle against myself.

and then the book said 'every story needs to reach its end' ...

Runaway

2010-12-30T16:40:00.003+08:00

you know when at one moment you're laughing your heart out, feeling happy and contented then suddenly you feel you want to get away from everything, from where you are for something new?
i'm feeling it now :\

Two More .. Two More ... down!

2010-12-13T23:18:00.004+08:00

~~Visit ground Zero~~
Go B.A.S.E Jumping/Wingsuiting
Get a British accent
Travel to every country in the world
Learn lots other languages
Own a ferret
Go to Africa/climb Kilimanjaro
hanglide
See the Aurora
~~See Great Wall of China~~
See the Redwoods
~~See pyramids~~
Get rich quick and have a huge seaside mansion with a yacht and a fleet of Private Jets
~~See the Pope~~
See a shuttle launch
See the Olympics or be in them
Attend 1 or many new years celebrations in new york
Explore Australia/ ayers rock
~~Swim with dolphins~~ - assuming feeding wild dolphins count?
Be an extra in a film
Own a room with a view
Buy a round-the-world air ticket and a rucksack, and run away
~~Be a member of the audience in a TV show~~
Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia
Write the novel you know you have inside you
Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich
Go through all of ~~the Musee du Louvre~~ - haven't go through all though
~~Parasail~~
Be a rebel
Go Zorbing
Work on an “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” Show
Crash a wedding
Ride a motorcycle along the Great Wall of China
~~Have waffles in Belgium~~
~~Be at the top of the Eiffel Tower~~ at night
See a real igloo
~~Shower in a waterfall~~
~~See a lunar eclipse~~
Walk ~~to the top of the Empire state Building~~
Tell Donald trump “Your Fired”
~~Hallucinate~~
Spend the New Year in Australia (first)
Experience weightlessness
~~Skydive~~ from space or high altitude (200,000 feet-275,000)
~~Sleep under the stars~~
Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country
Go wild in Rio during Carnival
~~Forgive your parents~~ --> they are never at fault anyway ..
Drive the AutobahnRaft through the Grand Canyon
Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring
~~Accept yourself for who you are~~
Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef
Go up in a hot-air balloon
~~Attend one really huge rock concert~~ -> bon jovi qualifies, yes? ;)
Kiss the Blarney stone and develop the gift of gab
Go deep sea fishing and eat your catch
Make yourself spend a half-day at a concentration camp and swear never to forget
~~See the Statue of Liberty~~
Catch a ball in the stands of a major league baseball stadium
Look into your child's eyes, see yourself, and smile
Listen to the Dalai Lama Speak
See the Taj Mahal
~~Bunji Jump~~
Go to see the Aztec Pyramids
~~See the house you grew up in~~
~~Go whale watching~~
Queue for something for at least 24 hours
Stage Dive
~~Make someone cry of happiness~~
~~Sponsor a child~~
Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris and people watch
Touch one of the Royal family
Visit Area 51
Visit Machu Picchu
Spend a day at Disney land being a kid
~~Write down your goals and then do something about them~~
A winter in Hawaii, spring in London, summer in the Alps, fall in New England
Take a year off
~~Live abroad~~
~~Visit Italy~~
~~Live life to the Fullest~~ -> within limit, that is ...
Walk down Abbey Road
Fly a plane
~~Follow the Nile and see the pyramids~~
Sail around the World
Visit all of Europe (Iceland too), new-Zealand, Australia, Japan, Ghana
Visit the moon
Admit you are WRONG about EVERYTHING
Explore Russia
To be able to say....in everything...whether success, or failure...I Tried
Go on a cruise
See all the seven wonders of the world
Meet Michael Jackson and laugh at his plastic nose -- impossible now that he's dead :\
See Niagara Falls
See the CN Tower sing in the rain!
~~Watch the sunrise on a mountain~~
See Stonehenge
~~Question everything you take for granted.~~
Read the Classics
Catch fireflies at sunset
~~Dye your hair~~
Meet a King or Queen
break a world record
do all the things your parents told you not to
Ride a Motorcycle
Climb the 7 summits
Waterfall jumping
See the Anne Frank House
See the Hollywood Sign
Sell ice to an Eskimo
~~Spelunk~~
Learn some dirty jokes that would make a nun laugh
Have a secret hiding place
Run thorough a car wash
Run with the bulls in Pamplona

Gone

2010-10-01T10:08:00.002+08:00

instead of adding it back as planned, i accidentally removed if ... for good.
maybe this is God's intervention, telling me that a clear cut is what i need.

Solo Trip

2010-09-11T20:28:00.002+08:00

a little incident during hari raya eve only confirm the fact that one can never be alone for long ...
i don't want and i hope i won't be forever ...

QUAND?

2010-09-01T16:39:00.003+08:00

when will i stop, i wonder.
2 weeks to a month to fasting month; 9 days of ramadhan left and i said hari raya. when will i seriously quit?
i don't like this, man ...

A Little Prayer for You ...

2010-08-27T10:57:00.003+08:00

when you miss someone so much and there's nothing you can do about it, just send a prayer to God; let Him be the messenger ...
God, you know what's in my heart, what i'm feeling now. please take good care of it, let it smile knowing that someone out there is thinking of it ...

Reach Out for the Stars

2010-08-23T14:11:00.002+08:00

catching up with an ex-colleague during lunch time reminded me of my dreams. maybe it's time to head back to that path again after 4mths of side tracking. maybe that is what God wants me to focus on now, hence all the disappointment i've been experiencing. let's get back on track ...

The Art of Letting Go

2010-08-20T14:10:00.005+08:00

had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. him sharing how he went to depression and all couldn't help but made me think of the other person. could it be the same scenario? when i shared the incident, this friend of mine smiled and nodded his head. so they could be in the same situation. the only difference is that one tries to move on while the other one, i have no clue. no clue at all. part of me wish i could be there to lend a helping hand, but the other part of me reminded me that it will never happen. like this friend of mine said, the only person who can help you is yourself. i so wish i could be helping you if you are really in this situation, though ...

anyways, it's been more than a week since the last appearance.

sometimes it feels like a hide&seek game though somehow i always ended tasting my own medicine :?

is this God's answer my prayer? i don't know but i guess i had enough of this guessing game.

not my fault. and definitely not my lost.

time to move on to living a life that shines like a diamond (this i quote from bon jovi hehe)

Hold My Hand ...

2010-08-19T21:36:00.001+08:00

i love this song!

no matter how far i might be ..
i'm always gonna be your neighbour ..
so let's pray for a beautiful world..
a beautiful world i share with you ..

2010

2010-08-14T22:46:00.003+08:00

there's something about 2010 and my girlfriends - 2 weddings and now an engagement! i am SO very happy for them and i wish one day, soon .. soon .. the happiness spread to me too; slow but sure.
i am not ashame to admit that i don't want to be single forever. i am not desperate, but i think i have enough of singlehood.

TOUGH!

2010-08-11T10:29:00.003+08:00

thank You God, for giving me yet another chance to come face to face with Ramadhan. thank YOU
last year ramadhan was quite a disaster for me, project made me spent the whole weekdays breaking fast at work as it coincides with the conference call we have. but of course, there was a blessing too. i had my 1st and 2nd interview during this holy month. interviews that brought me to where i am today.
this year i aim to be better than last year. i hope its not just an excitement that will go down as time pass by .. as i enter the 2nd 3rd and alas the last week. for that, i hope God give me the chance to complete the whole 30days, that i am able to come face to face with Syawal.
this year is also a test for me. i told myself that this is the time i ~~should~~ must use to forget that stupid idiocy i've been doing for the past 4months. i've broke a promise to myself last saturday by giving it another try. this time though, i think curiousity saves the cat from having all its 9 lives gone. it moved me from being curious to annoyed, or maybe even angry. after all the effort i put in, the pride i risk .. that's all i got? *fuming*
oh well ...
as i said, i've told myself this is the time to move on. it was easier said thand done, to be honest. i don't know but its tougher today compared to yesterday. maybe this is my test. but i know i have to. for my own benefit.
oh well, i don't know what i'm writing now .. better stop.

Random ...

2010-08-05T13:28:00.004+08:00

life is simple, i just make it messy for myself ...

counting down to the days where i have to fulfill the promise i made to myself - move on, let go. no more waiting. forget it! tough i know but i had to, for my own good. to be honest, there's no one's fault to begin with. i was the one who fell into the trap, blindly. should've known better. oh well, move on ...

the agent emailed for decision. i don't know what to decide. i ended up telling him what i really feel. i just don't want to waste my money and my time, having high hopes and all only to get them all washed away. let's see what he'd say ...

sometimes you wonder what life has in store for you. but this morning, during the train journey to work i just realised that sometimes the life you want is not meant to be yours. sometimes, that kinda life is just not for you to experience it. God knows best, that's the only consolation i gave myself. sad, but oh well ...

my grandauntie passed away recently, my auntie might be in the midst of an operation now. the first one has no immediate family to grieve for her whilst the other has loads of kids to take care of her. i can't help but ask myself, what will happen to me in the old age - no one to pray for me when i die. no one to take care of me when i'm sick. i don't want this kinda ending but, how could i change it? i can't believe i'm saying this but i kinda give up on the hopes i used to have.

another 5 days ...
that's what i told myself - another 5days to move on ...

Missing

2010-07-14T17:46:00.003+08:00

something is missing, there's a hole in me .. but i don't know what. well actually i know but i refuse to acknowledge it, for my own good.
work is hectic but it keeps me motivated thanks to all the interesting stuff i am learning along the way. maybe i should start having more activities over the weekend so as not to feel this way.

Hang On or Move On?

2010-07-10T22:43:00.004+08:00

had a very awkward conversation with mum earlier, getting something out of my chest as advised by the 'wise man'. mum's question made me speechless for a few seconds. i don't know how to answer it. but of course, mothers will never disappoint their kids. anyways, it feels like something heavy has been lifted from me.
honestly? i hope the 'wise man' is right and i hope this is the end of the current episodes and i am oh so looking ahead to some new episodes - a better one that is.
but then again, a short text messages from a friend made me revealed something to her - 'and what made me look depressed few weeks ago. it feels like my only hope had evaporated'
part of me just wants to give up but the other part says 'hang in there'.
God, i leave it to YOU to decide 'cos everything is out of my control now ...

the aftermath ...

2010-07-05T10:53:00.010+08:00

i'm beginning to realise how foolish i am on my behaviour for the past few weeks. friends have been reminding me lately and m's message made me realised its time to let go. held you head high and move on. easier said than done, but it has to be that way. it MUST be.

i have to admit that i still linger on the idea, on the thought .. on the hope. but come on, who am i kidding .. it is so obvious, blocked i might be.

sometimes i wonder if the initiative i took on april 28th is the worst decision i've ever made :?

oh well, life goes on .. with or without.

have you lost your way?
livin' in the shadow of the
messes that you made and so it goes
everything inside your circle starts to overflow
take a step before you leap
into the colours that you seek
you'll get back what you give away
so don't look back on yesterday
wanna scream out .. no more hiding
don't be afraid of what's inside
gonna tell ya you'll be alright
in the aftermath
anytime anybody pulls you down
anytime anybody says you're not allowed
just remember you are not alone
in the aftermath

adopt

2010-06-26T12:27:00.001+08:00

maybe it's time to adopt my colleague's motto
I DON'T F**KING CARE!

Reason

2010-06-26T11:56:00.009+08:00

sometimes i wonder what is the reason God put me in this world for ..

to be a corporate slave that is stuck between office politics?
to be a failure in life that even the only thing i want is the only thing i couldn't have?
to be sorry for myself all the time like what i am doing now?

i know i shouldn't feel that way. i have so many blessings bestowed upon me already. its just happened that the two big projects happened at the same time and its a one man show. but ..
do you think they will look back into all these and reward me good? i don't think so.
not working, is that an option? definitely no ...

i am SO depressed now; when people turn suicidal i'll just turn into a cry baby.
every dark cloud has its silver lining; i'm just waiting for mine ...

a question

2010-06-22T23:14:00.002+08:00

when will YOU answer my prayer? i'm tired of YOU know what. i have no doubt that YOU will answer it at the right time if it is right for me. please please please grant that wish of mine. YOU are my only hope. amien.

Its mad all over again ...

2010-06-14T22:11:00.004+08:00

i told myself that today will be the last chance from my end. pathetically, i prepared myself for something that from the beginning i know wouldn't happen. so i guess this is it. is it really it? honest to God, i don't know. part of me knows that it is while the other part is still trying so hard to hold on to something that has nothing to hold on to, if i am being honest to myself.

is it better to follow your heart or follow your mind/logic? only time will tell ...

*have a blessed birthday ...

Maybe ...

2010-06-06T00:06:00.003+08:00

had a very deep conversation with few friends earlier. an issue with the 10yrs marriage. and issue with the 3yrs relationship. a hubby facing midlife crisis. a boyfriend who seems to have a commitment issue. i listened to each of them intently and started to take all these as a lesson and implemented it to myself. i seriously can't imagine myself being in the position of this girlfriend, let alone the wifey.

maybe it's true that men who having midlife crisis are difficult to rationalised with.

maybe it's true that men who've been single for so long have difficulty in commitment. and,

maybe it's time for me to let go the idea that makes me still hung onto *that*

it also made me realise .. whether you're married, in a relationship, or single, you're bound to face some issue; God is afterall, fair.

Ironic

2010-06-01T13:34:00.003+08:00

i got my closure, well maybe not but at least i have peace with myself.
everything in the list is checked, checked and checked. then you realised you never think of that one thing; and it's there! unchecked?

Lesson Learned ...

2010-05-09T14:28:00.009+08:00

i got it. i fell for the idea, for the fact that after almost 11 yrs of living here, there's finally some excitement. and then my ego got bruised. and i thought it was something else, when the fact is that i couldn't accept that it's me .. ME! who's pride got tarnished.
oh well, God has His own way in teaching us human; this is His way of remindin me to treat others with respect - tell them instead of let them hang. brushing things off easily ain't right now that you know how it feels to be the victim ...

i am a diamond, not a pig ; therefore, i ought to behave like one ...

Not Hard Enough

2010-05-06T17:09:00.003+08:00

i seriously thought God has answered my (and mom's) prayer. what do you know ...

Gone To Soon

2010-05-05T22:25:00.002+08:00

my hope for having it longer doesn't come true. i am totally disappointed. heart broken, maybe. it feels like i'm facing the male me.
oh well, life goes on ...

fade away

2010-05-04T16:02:00.001+08:00

looks like i can't hope too much. guess i have high expectation too fast. oh well, c'est la vie ...

smile

2010-05-02T21:20:00.003+08:00

how can i not have a smile on my face when what i read always makes me smile. it will be good if i can keep smiling for a long more .. and maybe more after that ...

plunge

2010-04-28T23:24:00.003+08:00

so i took the plunge - wrote. checked. sent.
let's just hope curiousity "saves" the cat, after all i believe i deserve it ...

miss ya ...

2010-04-27T10:39:00.001+08:00

when it's off peak season at work, there's only one thing i miss - the fun chat i used to have.
oh well ...

shallow ...

2010-04-26T10:38:00.005+08:00

people said i'm shallow and i think it's okay to be shallow, after all it's your life; until it fired back ...
'not fair', you can't judge without knowing the reason why. and to think i feel bad for not being an open book ...
oh well, i'll swallow my pride and move on ...

fly me to the moon ...

2010-04-19T22:26:00.004+08:00

the idea of being kidnapped and sent to an island far far away sounds so very tempting at the moment. i don't know why, but out of a sudden i feel oh SO lonely; it's been awhile (years actually) since i feel this way :(

realisation ...

2010-04-17T23:51:00.002+08:00

i don't know why or how, but during the classical concert earlier my mind just wandered off and suddenly i came to a conclusion - just friends, nothing more nothing less ...

Priorities

2010-03-23T10:14:00.006+08:00

it suddenly hit me - on my journey to work - that i don't list down my priorities properly. so many times i thought about it. so many times i told myself, oh well .. you only live once so make the best of it. but now that i think about it, since you only live once, don't you also want to list your priorities carefully?!

i looked at my reflection on the train's glass and asked myself "you're 36. when will you start behaving like one?"

i think i have to start changing it not tomorrow, not next week but now.

starting with seriously losing some weight followed by setting a proper standard and me a little more open, not striking things off just because of one thing or another.

i promise i will change. i will. i have to.

Sien*

2010-01-21T15:41:00.003+08:00

*if i'm not wrong that means annoyed/bored in cantonese/hokkien/mandarin?

anyways ...

i seriously need a break from all these emails. and i'm getting seriously concern with not being able to touch any trainings. yupe was given 2 half-day break next week but come on, how am i to be involved in my role if i'm stuck with this. and i kinda sense that some of them forgotten that i'm just assisting, not part of the core team. maybe it's time to remind them a little bit.

it is good, i know; but isn't it better if i am giving a chance to really focus on my main role? i am for sure going to bring this up on my next updating session with the overseas guy.

all this lead to one thing :- i seriously need a getaway, away from singapore for a bit!

Totally Random

2010-01-19T15:20:00.002+08:00

just need to get few mins away from the emails ...

had a good mid-year review last week, just when i thought i got a great counsellor he dropped the bomb - he has tendered. i just hope the next counsellor i'd be assigned to is my boss. anyways, i voiced out my concern and was given wonderful advise. i can say he really boost my confidence level with all the confident he had in me. and yes sir, will surely follow all the tips you shared!

on another note - guess what! i spent US$120 over something i would never in a million years think of getting. what's wrong with me, i seriously have no idea. anyway it's a done deal. and together with a friend we're planning of doing the unthinkable. i'm sure in few years time, i will look back at all these, shaking my head wondering what demon had possessed me then.

mom and dad are back in town, this time around for mom's knee. they kinda gave me a 'surprise' visit, being home when i came back from KL. duh! guess they have to bare with some messiness, then haha.

13 days of leave not to mention the forever growing number of time offs to clear by june 2010. where should i go? i have SO many places in mind but not that SO much money, dang!

just got a news that hp is leaving too, woohooo happy for her. now it's only left with you know who and the truth shall reveal soon.. God is good!

and with that i end my entry for today ...

One more down!

2010-01-07T16:06:00.008+08:00

~~Visit ground Zero~~
Go B.A.S.E Jumping/Wingsuiting
Get a British accent
Travel to every country in the world
Learn lots other languages
Own a ferret
Go to Africa/climb Kilimanjaro
hanglide
See the Aurora
~~See Great Wall of China~~
See the Redwoods
See pyramids
Get rich quick and have a huge seaside mansion with a yacht and a fleet of Private Jets
~~See the Pope~~
See a shuttle launch
See the Olympics or be in them
Attend 1 or many new years celebrations in new york
Explore Australia/ ayers rock
Swim with dolphins - does feeding wild dolphins count?
Be an extra in a film
Own a room with a view
Buy a round-the-world air ticket and a rucksack, and run away
~~Be a member of the audience in a TV show~~
Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia
Write the novel you know you have inside you
Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich
Go through all of the Musee du Louvre
~~Parasail~~
Be a rebel
Go Zorbing
Work on an “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” Show
Crash a wedding
Ride a motorcycle along the Great Wall of China
~~Have waffles in Belgium~~
~~Be at the top of the Eiffel Tower~~ at night
See a real igloo
~~Shower in a waterfall~~
~~See a lunar eclipse~~
Walk ~~to the top of the Empire state Building~~
Tell Donald trump “Your Fired”
~~Hallucinate~~
Spend the New Year in Australia (first)
Experience weightlessness
~~Skydive~~ from space or high altitude (200,000 feet-275,000)
~~Sleep under the stars~~
Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country
Go wild in Rio during Carnival
~~Forgive your parents~~ --> they are never at fault anyway ..
Drive the AutobahnRaft through the Grand Canyon
Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring
~~Accept yourself for who you are~~
Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef
Go up in a hot-air balloon
~~Attend one really huge rock concert~~ -> bon jovi qualifies? ;)
Kiss the Blarney stone and develop the gift of gab
Go deep sea fishing and eat your catch
Make yourself spend a half-day at a concentration camp and swear never to forget
~~See the Statue of Liberty~~
Catch a ball in the stands of a major league baseball stadium
Look into your child's eyes, see yourself, and smile
Listen to the Dalai Lama Speak
See the Taj Mahal
~~Bunji Jump~~
Go to see the Aztec Pyramids
~~See the house you grew up in~~
~~Go whale watching~~
Queue for something for at least 24 hours
Stage Dive
~~Make someone cry of happiness~~
~~Sponsor a child~~
Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris and people watch
Touch one of the Royal family
Visit Area 51
Visit Machu Picchu
Spend a day at Disney land being a kid
~~Write down your goals and then do something about them~~
A winter in Hawaii, spring in London, summer in the Alps, fall in New England
Take a year off
~~Live abroad~~
~~Visit Italy~~
~~Live life to the Fullest~~ -> within limit, that is ...
Walk down Abbey Road
Fly a plane
Follow the Nile and see the pyramids
Sail around the World
Visit all of Europe (Iceland too), new-Zealand, Australia, Japan, Ghana
Visit the moon
Admit you are WRONG about EVERYTHING
Explore Russia
To be able to say....in everything...whether success, or failure...I Tried
Go on a cruise
See all the seven wonders of the world
Meet Michael Jackson and laugh at his plastic nose -- impossible now that he's dead :\
See Niagara Falls
See the CN Tower sing in the rain!
~~Watch the sunrise on a mountain~~
See Stonehenge
~~Question everything you take for granted.~~
Read the Classics
Catch fireflies at sunset
~~Dye your hair~~
Meet a King or Queen
break a world record
do all the things your parents told you not to
Ride a Motorcycle
Climb the 7 summits
Waterfall jumping
See the Anne Frank House
See the Hollywood Sign
Sell ice to an Eskimo
~~Spelunk~~
Learn some dirty jokes that would make a nun laugh
Have a secret hiding place
Run thorough a car wash
Run with the bulls in Pamplona

First for the year ..

2010-01-07T11:37:00.007+08:00

HAPPY 2010, everyone!

not that it's any difference from any other day but people normally want to start anew, afresh with the new digits. i personally have no resolution, well that is if you don't say "not to have any resolution" is a resolution by itself ;)

anyways, just taking a few mins break from work - invading people's privacy can be darn tiring especially when you have like 37Kish email to read within 2 weeks time *faint*. and i heard more than a million is coming soon, gosh! seems like we're stuck in this freezer until june. i hope against the mother of all hopes that the other engagement starts soon; i am not doing my main role here. and when there's nothing else, i'd be here all the time. my indirect boss is waiting for me to be release from here so that i could start all sorts of reading etc haha, i'll give him a shock when i update him next week. i'm still trying to understand how things work here. yes i've been told that at times we're doing everything but i actually hope to learn the technology aspects more whenever i have spare time, but it seems like i can't run from this project :\ oh well, i'm gonna put all this in my mid year review that's for sure ...

on another note, 2010 huh. how time flies whether or not you're having fun. but nah, life is too short to dwell in the negative aspect of anything. i hope to achieve more this year - be it mentally or spiritually. i seriously want to be a better person in the eyes of God, an obedient daughter, a better friend and of course leading a healthier lifestyle! yeah right, 2nd week of january and i've only hit the gym once! body is still aching from tuesday's pump but seriously need to push myself harder man.

that aside, i hope to cover more places too this year. might be a bit harder with how things work in this new role, but never try never know. and this leads to another thing - money money money!!. let's save more diligently this year, shall we?

ok then, time's up. better get back to work. oh and you know what, it might be a new year but i'm still having the same songs playing on my MP3 - all from the same singer, JGS *die*.

When the Insomnia Strikes

2009-12-26T01:32:00.012+08:00

i can't sleep!! then i realised i haven't done any blogging for so long. so let's make another entry in 2009, shall we?

hmmm, what should i write? what should i do? ottokajo? hah! let's start with that one ...

ottokajo - that's korean for what should i do though i'm not sure if it's really written that way. korean? why suddenly korean? why not? ;)

naah, it all started with a friend who again and again updated her facebook status with quotes from one particular korean drama. she then "forcefully" encouraged me to watch it. of course i said no. but then you know, curiousity kills the cat. here, my 'detective' instinct took the best of me and i ended up watching it. the minute i saw the lead actor i was like WHAT? that ugly?!? but i continued watching it, telling myself that i'd stop when i reach a certain scene. and that scene appears 10mins before the drama ends! oh well, done with it i still couldn't see what's the fuss about. i spoke too soon, of course.

the following day, i couldn't stop one of the song from playing in my mind. not only that, the story started repeating itself too! somehow i have the urge to watch it again, but this time with no prejudice and all. i started googling as well and was surprised to see that the lead actor ain't that ugly. anyway to cut the story short, sukkie oppa is my 1st korean crush. hahahaha, this coming out from a female in her 30s .. so lame! but .. but .. you can't blame me, i'm a sucker for romance. and that's one of the reason i always avoid watching this kinda drama. i love day dreaming, my mind can wander everywhere AND i can create a story based on my own fantasy. can't blame me .. i'm a pisces - a known romantic fool ;)

okay, enough korea *why is korea not in the 1000 places to visit before you die, btw?*, move on ...

life - huh! nothings change.

i got a new job. bit too early to say i love it but i LIKE it! i like the fact that i head down to office everyday without knowing what i'll be doing. i like the fact that i'm doing investigation, at times invading people's privacy legally and i got paid for that! the people are fun to be with too though most of them are younger than me; i might've wasted my time too long in the back office but hey, better late than never! still, i have a mission to accomplish. i have to change their perception that i only want to do data analysis. i guess somehow somewhere during the interview i mentioned something that made them think that way. i've already voiced it out once and i'm sure i'll voice out again and again in the future. still in the learning process now; and still am confuse with how things work at times. i've learned few cool stuff but i got to stop all that for the time being as i'm being pulled to help the core team 'invading' people's privacy. at times i feel like i know those people more than they know themselves hahah. makes you think twice before doing anything with your office machine, i tell you!

life - part deux

nothing's change. so far i'm pretty happy with how my life is this year. of course there's tons of improvement to make, but overall .. contented! i did travelling almost every month. okay, correction - travelling every month. hopefully i can continue doing so next year without creating a hole in my pocket. but with this new role, i know i can't do any impromptu travelling. and i have to save a lot if i really wanna do that trip of a life time. what? where? when? that's for me to know for now. just don't wanna jinx it. gotta start saving diligently, that's for sure!

now what else? what else? ah yes, i am overweight! way way WAY overweight. i have to be discipline again, man. i am aiming to take part in few new challenges next year but for that i need to be fit. can someone motivate me? how did i do it before still amaze me. but never try never know. so yeah, gotta put that on top of my list now!

okay, the entry is getting boring now. better stop writing and try to catch some sleep. heading to the bird park with the little rascals (yes, niece and nephew are in town!) tomorrow ...

nite nite *morning morning*

Reason

2009-10-22T19:41:00.005+08:00

everything happens for a reason ...

indeed it does ...

earlier this year i decided to take the highway - the road i've been thinking of taking for years. i've done all the research and finally stepped my foot on it few months ago. i have all the plans playing in my mind but also decided that from that day onwards, i'd enjoy every second of everything. if it happens, it happens. if it doesn't, well at least i've tried instead of just doing the 'what if ...'

looking back now i realised that the minute i've made up my mind, everything else changed; for better that is. and i couldn't stop thanking God for all that. i realised that my patience and perseverance for the past 2 years have finally been rewarded. thank You, God for answering my prayers. at the same time i started wondering about this plan i've recently stepped my foot on. somehow i knew that i had to reschedule it because of all the new things that happened.

and guess what? i received a news today that without me planning it, it has to be postponed. i was slightly disappointed but my brain told me that this is yet another plan of God. He knows what's best for me. i don't have to think about rescheduling anything now, i simply need to walk down the road and see what comes along ...

ya Rabb, remind me to always be grateful to You. smack me if i fail in doing so ...

A Note

2009-09-24T16:13:00.003+08:00

it's been awhile since my last entry, ya. but today somehow i just feel the want to type something in.
just read a friend's blog - a secondary school friend of mine. honestly, i am so curious with what had happened to her life but i think i have no right to ask her, not that i am close to her anyway. but one thing's for sure - i salute her for being such a strong lady. it made me realised that all the trouble i have is nothing compared to what she's faced.
anyways, we celebrated hari raya few days ago. alhamdulillah, i was given a chance to go home and celebrate it with the family. i still had to work from home, but at least i am surrounded with those matters most to me.
i wasn't that excited with this year's celebration because i didn't give my best during ramadhan. work had taken the best of me this year that i spent every night at work and once home i just wanna crush in. hope God give me a chance to meet ramadhan next year.
work wise, it's getting better now that we're going live in 2 weeks time; everything is kinda settled now and i hope it will stay this way until it goes life.
i have an important meeting tomorrow morning, one that would make my life different. i leave everything in God's hand - i know He will only give me the best.
wish me luck ...

The Execution Phase

2009-07-31T21:15:00.006+08:00

work has been crazy lately and it will continue to be so until october. i worked from friday 'til saturday morning, sunday night. thought it was over now the file was submitted, i was asked to go back to work on monday night and stayed there 'til 11.30ish. stayed 'til midnight on tuesday and had a conference call at a play on wednesday, imagine that! thankfully i only stayed until 9ish yesterday and today, after the functional team decided to change the business rules AND sent a wrong setup table for the 3rd time just for one day, i decided to go home and work on it later. 2nd iteration and it's still the same. God help me next week as i'll be away. it might be a problem but at least the functional team will be on leave from wednesday onwards so even if it's a wrong setup i can't do anything until her return *evil*

it was challenging, yes but at the same time my body and brain is just so tired that tears started rolling down. i guess it's due to hp on leave that i have no one to vent out my frustration to. i did cry harder today when i had to redo my work again and again because of the rules and files.

but still, i felt totally pushed to the edge yesterday that i took the papers, signed and faxed them over.

yupe, been contemplating for awhile. friends and even my sister said i can do it on my own that i've started gathering info and even asking for samples from those who's done it. but yesterday, with the frustration of this particular project and another two which i have yet to start my mind began wondering. i asked myself, with this schedule of mine, do i have a time to look into every detail? the answer i got was probably not. and that's when i took the papers and pen.

so yeah, i've prepared myself for the long jump. i'm in the 'ready' state now waiting for 'steady' and 'go' to be announced.

wish me luck, for the project that is :)

One (actually two) More Down ...

2009-06-27T12:52:00.004+08:00

I got this list from one of the group on facebook and let's see how many can i tick off ..

~~Visit ground Zero~~
Go B.A.S.E Jumping/Wingsuiting
Get a British accent
Travel to every country in the world
Learn lots other languages
Own a ferret
Go to Africa/climb Kilimanjaro
hanglide
See the Aurora
~~See Great Wall of China~~
See the Redwoods
See pyramids
Get rich quick and have a huge seaside mansion with a yacht and a fleet of Private Jets
~~See the Pope~~
See a shuttle launch
See the Olympics or be in them
Attend 1 or many new years celebrations in new york
Explore Australia/ ayers rock
Swim with dolphins
Be an extra in a film
Own a room with a view
Buy a round-the-world air ticket and a rucksack, and run away
~~Be a member of the audience in a TV show~~
Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia
Write the novel you know you have inside you
Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich
Go through all of the Musee du Louvre
~~Parasail~~
Be a rebel
Go Zorbing
Work on an “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” Show
Crash a wedding
Ride a motorcycle along the Great Wall of China
~~Have waffles in Belgium~~
~~Be at the top of the Eiffel Tower~~ at night
See a real igloo
~~Shower in a waterfall~~
~~See a lunar eclipse~~
Walk ~~to the top of the Empire state Building~~
Tell Donald trump “Your Fired”
~~Hallucinate~~
Spend the New Year in Australia (first)
Experience weightlessness
~~Skydive~~ from space or high altitude (200,000 feet-275,000)
~~Sleep under the stars~~
Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country
Go wild in Rio during Carnival
~~Forgive your parents~~ --> they are never at fault anyway ..
Drive the AutobahnRaft through the Grand Canyon
Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring
~~Accept yourself for who you are~~
Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef
Go up in a hot-air balloon
~~Attend one really huge rock concert~~ -> bon jovi qualifies? ;)
Kiss the Blarney stone and develop the gift of gab
Go deep sea fishing and eat your catch
Make yourself spend a half-day at a concentration camp and swear never to forget
~~See the Statue of Liberty~~
Catch a ball in the stands of a major league baseball stadium
Look into your child's eyes, see yourself, and smile
Listen to the Dalai Lama Speak
See the Taj Mahal
~~Bunji Jump~~
Go to see the Aztec Pyramids
~~See the house you grew up in~~
Go whale watching
Queue for something for at least 24 hours
Stage Dive
~~Make someone cry of happiness~~
~~Sponsor a child~~
Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris and people watch
Touch one of the Royal family
Visit Area 51
Visit Machu Picchu
Spend a day at Disney land being a kid
~~Write down your goals and then do something about them~~
A winter in Hawaii, spring in London, summer in the Alps, fall in New England
Take a year off
~~Live abroad~~
~~Visit Italy~~
~~Live life to the Fullest~~ -> within limit, that is ...
Walk down Abbey Road
Fly a plane
Follow the Nile and see the pyramids
Sail around the World
Visit all of Europe (Iceland too), new-Zealand, Australia, Japan, Ghana
Visit the moon
Admit you are WRONG about EVERYTHING
Explore Russia
To be able to say....in everything...whether success, or failure...I Tried
Go on a cruise
See all the seven wonders of the world
Meet Michael Jackson and laugh at his plastic nose -- impossible now that he's dead :\
See Niagara Falls
See the CN Tower sing in the rain!
~~Watch the sunrise on a mountain~~
See Stonehenge
~~Question everything you take for granted.~~
Read the Classics
Catch fireflies at sunset
~~Dye your hair~~
Meet a King or Queen
break a world record
do all the things your parents told you not to
Ride a Motorcycle
Climb the 7 summits
Waterfall jumping
See the Anne Frank House
See the Hollywood Sign
Sell ice to an Eskimo
~~Spelunk~~
Learn some dirty jokes that would make a nun laugh
Have a secret hiding place
Run thorough a car wash
Run with the bulls in Pamplona

Bye Bye Bye

2009-06-03T10:43:00.002+08:00

another one's leaving. not a surprise but still raised our eyebrows, my mouth is salty i guess. hoping to be the voice of the remaining, i wish nothing but the best for her.
et moi? patient my friend, patient. you have your own plan, don't you?

The Planning Phase

2009-04-18T17:14:00.005+08:00

after being stucked in the initiation phase for years, i've made up my mind; making small little steps forward...

1st step - register for the test

whether it's a success or failure, at least i'm trying ...

Living Life to the Fullest

2009-04-17T22:44:00.007+08:00

I got this list from one of the group on facebook and let's see how many can i tick off ..

~~Visit ground Zero~~
Go B.A.S.E Jumping/Wingsuiting
Get a British accent
Travel to every country in the world
Learn lots other languages
Own a ferret
Go to Africa/climb Kilimanjaro
hanglide
See the Aurora
See Great Wall of China
See the Redwoods
See pyramids
Get rich quick and have a huge seaside mansion with a yacht and a fleet of Private Jets
~~See the Pope~~
See a shuttle launch
See the Olympics or be in them
Attend 1 or many new years celebrations in new york
Explore Australia/ ayers rock
Swim with dolphins
Be an extra in a film
Own a room with a view
Buy a round-the-world air ticket and a rucksack, and run away
~~Be a member of the audience in a TV show~~
Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia
Write the novel you know you have inside you
Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich
Go through all of the Musee du Louvre
~~Parasail~~
Be a rebel
Go Zorbing
Work on an “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” Show
Crash a wedding
Ride a motorcycle along the Great Wall of China
~~Have waffles in Belgium~~
~~Be at the top of the Eiffel Tower~~ at night
See a real igloo
~~Shower in a waterfall~~
~~See a lunar eclipse~~
Walk ~~to the top of the Empire state Building~~
Tell Donald trump “Your Fired”
~~Hallucinate~~
Spend the New Year in Australia (first)
Experience weightlessness
~~Skydive~~ from space or high altitude (200,000 feet-275,000)
~~Sleep under the stars~~
Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country
Go wild in Rio during Carnival
~~Forgive your parents~~ --> they are never at fault anyway ..
Drive the AutobahnRaft through the Grand Canyon
Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring
~~Accept yourself for who you are~~
Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef
Go up in a hot-air balloon
~~Attend one really huge rock concert~~ -> bon jovi qualifies? ;)
Kiss the Blarney stone and develop the gift of gab
Go deep sea fishing and eat your catch
Make yourself spend a half-day at a concentration camp and swear never to forget
~~See the Statue of Liberty~~
Catch a ball in the stands of a major league baseball stadium
Look into your child's eyes, see yourself, and smile
Listen to the Dalai Lama Speak
See the Taj Mahal
~~Bunji Jump~~
Go to see the Aztec Pyramids
~~See the house you grew up in~~
Go whale watching
Queue for something for at least 24 hours
Stage Dive
~~Make someone cry of happiness~~
~~Sponsor a child~~
Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris and people watch
Touch one of the Royal family
Visit Area 51
Visit Machu Picchu
Spend a day at Disney land being a kid
~~Write down your goals and then do something about them~~
A winter in Hawaii, spring in London, summer in the Alps, fall in New England
Take a year off
~~Live abroad~~
~~Visit Italy~~
~~Live life to the Fullest~~ -> within limit, that is ...
Walk down Abbey Road
Fly a plane
Follow the Nile and see the pyramids
Sail around the World
Visit all of Europe (Iceland too), new-Zealand, Australia, Japan, Ghana
Visit the moon
Admit you are WRONG about EVERYTHING
Explore Russia
To be able to say....in everything...whether success, or failure...I Tried
Go on a cruise
See all the seven wonders of the world
Meet Michael Jackson and laugh at his plastic nose
See Niagara Falls
See the CN Tower sing in the rain!
~~Watch the sunrise on a mountain~~
See Stonehenge
~~Question everything you take for granted.~~
Read the Classics
Catch fireflies at sunset
~~Dye your hair~~
Meet a King or Queen
break a world record
do all the things your parents told you not to
Ride a Motorcycle
Climb the 7 summits
Waterfall jumping
See the Anne Frank House
See the Hollywood Sign
Sell ice to an Eskimo
~~Spelunk~~
Learn some dirty jokes that would make a nun laugh
Have a secret hiding place
Run thorough a car wash
Run with the bulls in Pamplona

DONE DEAL

2009-04-15T10:53:00.004+08:00

so i've said it out loud, "check for me, i'm dead serious. it's been 10 years".
do i make a mistake blurting that out loud? only time will tell.
God will always give the best to those who never stop having faith, that's for sure. and all i know that it's now or never ...

Thinking and Pondering

2009-02-15T23:54:00.004+08:00

i couldn't stop thinking of my previous post - i don't want to waste my life being ordinary. i really want to be a somebody, not just anybody. no, i ain't talking about fame but i can't help it if i do wish for fortune. i am human after all. i long for financial freedom.

and then a movie, a chickflick movie that is, portraying a successful woman with a to die for apartment. the way she dress up and all made me wonder if i could ever own that kinda apartment, leave that kinda life. somehow, deep down inside of me, i feel like i can. but what have i done that could enable me to achieve that? none. i stayed too long in the same company, being unappreciated at time but that doesn't stop me from staying put. not wanting to get out from my comfy zone? i don't know. maybe yes, maybe not. all i know is that at times i look down on myself. and instead of still doing things to improve myself, i decided to stay. ah, i guess i just want to play safe. and this comes from me, ME, who loves surprises. so, why don't i do something? 'cos i'm not ready financially. and who's fault is that? none other but me.

so have i done anything to fix that? honestly, no. i actually end up getting deeper and deeper.

i really hope this time, this darn time, i really change.

somehow i feel there's more in me that have yet to be exposed ...

a tad too late? maybe. but then again, better late than never.

Question

2009-02-11T18:32:00.004+08:00

i don't want to waste my life being ordinary

what do i want?
have i work towards achieving it?

Life

2008-12-07T23:03:00.005+08:00

life is a roller coaster, just got to ride it - ronan keating

just this morning, i came back home feeling happy and proud of myself for completing my first half marathon. though the plan was to spend the afternoon resting, i ended up answering calls from almost all aunties and uncles asking mum's whereabout. i myself didn't know 'cos she lost her charger during the wedding and her phone battery was flat. after almost 2hrs of this drama, feeling a little annoyed - and hungry - i dragged myself out to get some food and at the same time to buy a new charger for mum. mum called on my way up asking my whereabouts. the minute i came inside the house she asked me to get dressed as i am supposed to accompany her to go to my uncle's before heading down to see a man who is good in alternative medicine. both my uncle and auntie are now able to sit down for prayer, no longer in need of chair, hence mum's eagerness to try the solution.

once we're there the man took a look at me and said "may i know what's your name, girl?" i was like "huh? why am i in the picture?" apparently he is blessed with a gift of *seeing* things. honestly i don't believe in such things. but after asking my name and telling me about myself - no prediction whatsoever anyway since he's not a fortune telling - he gave loads of good advise. first and foremost he said that he saw me as someone with a strong character, someone who can achieve whatever i aim for but somehow i didn't try it the right way. i was really hit to the core when he continued by saying "girl, try not to miss your morning prayer". THAT is one prayer i miss mostly. when i answered "when the time comes it comes" to one particular subject he advised me again that i too need to work on that and even asking from God has its own way. an advise given by my uni friend and high school friend as well. loads of good advice that i ended up trying hard not to drop a single tears. he told me not to miss the opportunity in both life and career 'cos he can *see* a great gift bestowed upon me from God - what gift, he doesn't know. it feels like the big guy up there is not giving up on me, He is reminding me through this *wise* man. he ended the advise with "and girl, try to lose some weight as well". LOL.

went home feeling warm and spent the night chatting with a friend. was talking about my feelings on a particular subject when my sister called informing the death of my aunt, dad's only sister. i feel so sad because this auntie of mine is one that is very protective of us, very caring and loving. what a bless to die on the eve of ied' adha. both me and mum thought of going home but we were informed that the body will be flown back to surabaya where she will be put to rest next to her husband. i can only pray from afar, wishing you a blessful journey in meeting our creator, fibi.

i can't help but feel life is indeed a roller coaster - you can start your day feeling happy only to end it with sadness. treasure what you have. live every minute responsibly...

Bad Grammar But ...

2008-11-17T20:51:00.005+08:00

i think this is the only malay song that i like, sang by the 1st singapore idol.
not bad, eh ...

My Normal Saturday ...

2008-11-15T22:10:00.002+08:00

i kinda miss the day when i left the house to grab a lunch at java kitchen @vivo city. after which, i'd take the monorail to sentosa and played vb for few hours, grabbed a quick shower and had dinner together before going home. i missed the fun of just sitting at the side of the court watching the game or joining in the game trying my best to hit the ball *though i tend to dodge it or simply shouted "not mine" when the ball came my way*. i missed chit chatting with the others while the two doggies tried to push their way in between us and i moved several times just so that their nose didn't touch me. i miss thinking how darker i'd be under those scorching sun.

so today, i decided to switch off my machine and do what i used to do. and i love it. though my game is back to being suck *but hey, i saved the ball once!*, though i was thought a newbie because there's sooo many newbies *to me at least* there, though i didn't stay until the end and had dinner together, i had a lovely time. not to mention one of the newbie there looks like matt damon *well, the eyes and the smile to me even when the rest said "NO"*.

it's good to be back...

Heart Matters

2008-11-14T09:43:00.004+08:00

sometimes you take things for granted and you only realised that when it's gone.
i really should've follow my heart ...
nevermind, lesson learnt.

Wishful Thinking

2008-10-30T10:50:00.006+08:00

i wish things will get back to the way they normally are. i miss the laughter, the stories, the sillyness, the sharings, everything!! i wonder how long does it take though i feel that things will never go back to normal again. a breather is what all needs before things get back to normal, but then ... so much for the thought of making things normal.

i can't stop wondering have i really opened a pandora box?

Not My Kind

2008-10-28T01:19:00.010+08:00

but the thought that counts ...........

i met her during my almamater's reunion last year. we managed to stay in touch through the indonesian community's mailing list. though she's married and i have a *life* of my own, we tried to meet up as and when we can. i do have to give her loads of credit for never giving up on suggesting dinner or just a mere catching up. and earlier today, we met for awhile as i have a tennis game to catch *though we ended up playing for 10mins and went home afterwards*. chat over lunch she gave me this little pressie made by her own hands. isn't it so sweet of her? it's not my kinda ring but still, i was touched and a little embarassed for not making a better effort in catching up.

The Verdict

2008-10-23T09:35:00.005+08:00

my boss is no longer my boss. one person resigned due to pride being under her. the CIO said few of us should be moving to area role instead of sticking in country. what role? who's my boss? how is the people management gonna be now that my *future* boss might not be in SG? IT should be happy now that my boss is the country lead. we on the other hand can only look at the new structure chart playing the guessing game

I Want to Break Free

2008-10-21T16:30:00.003+08:00

wouldn't it be great if i can just switch everything off for awhile ?

or maybe even for a long time ...

History

2008-10-17T10:34:00.005+08:00

history will never repeat itself

- not when you forbid it

- not when you learnt from the past and do things differently from there onwards

- not when you're in charge of yourself

fool me once .. shame on you

fool me twice .. shame on me!!!

Choices

2008-10-11T00:46:00.013+08:00

two people - however close they are - can (or maybe even will always?) have totally opposite views on life. one who doesn't really know what (s)he want will never feel satisfied. when you only know what you don't want in life, you'll end up searching for more even when you don't really know what is that you're searching for. while one who face life reastically might end up compromising the situation (s)he faced. watch this movie, and you'll get what i mean.
life is after all full of choices. either you accept it or not. either you stay commited to what you decide or keep on changing your mind. nothing's perfect anyway. be happy and contented with what you have - that's the key. but then again, isn't life more excited with some adventure in it? makes me wonder ....

pic. courtesy of imdb.com
as for you my friend - hope you had a good time. yes i broke my promise on just being a listener. i talked. hey, i can't help it. i made you laugh anyway :). really hope you get your issues settled fast ...

Youth Without Youth

2008-10-10T17:37:00.004+08:00

one word: confusing. an old man who - after struck by a lightning - is given a chance to do things he always dream of doing/achieving. when everything is perfect - is it too good to be true? how can you differentiate dreams and reality? you can be analysing your dreams in your dreams. will you do things differently the 2nd time? will you sacrifice your love one just to get things right now that you're given another chance to do so? complicated lah - at least for me. still as complicated as i think it is, i find the whole plot makes it a very interesting movie to watch.

pic. courtesy of imdb.com

The Day I Chucked A Sickie

2008-10-08T15:30:00.003+08:00

exactly a week ago, i celebrated Hari Raya. a belated wish, but, Have a Blessed Hari Raya to all celebrating. after a month of fasting, controlling hunger *easy*, emotion *hard!!* and all, we finally got another chance to start anew, start afresh. i personally think my ramadhan this year is better compared to last year's. now the tough part is on mantaining and improving it.

anyways ....

i went home for a week to celebrate it with my family. spent most of my time with my nieces and nephew. did the visiting. munching non stop which resulted in me not feeling 100% great now. met few uni friends for a break fast session. all in all - i enjoyed my trip home. my eldest niece is so adorable that i spent most of my time with her compared to my nephew and the youngest niece. maybe because being 2yrs old, she's at her peak of *cuteness*. though i have to say i had enough of nemo, kungfu panda, and alvin&the chipmunks. its fun watching alvin with my youngest niece around as well, we're all presented with a funny kiddy dance moves. it's fun to have those kids around. the house seems empty when they're out and about. i munched a lot as well that resulted in me having sore throat now.

yeah, the minute i reached singapore i started sneezing non-stop. i didn't sleep the 1st night after i was back, only slept like 4hrs the following night and last night, i remembered switching my machine at 4.10am and trying hard to get some sleep. my flu is getting worst that i finally went to see a doctor today. she gave me few medications and asked if i'd like to go home and rest. i said that i'm fine, she then advised me to sleep more. that was when i told her about my sleepless night. she prescribed a mild sleeping pill for me (only 2 pills) and insisted on me going home and rest. so i went to funan to get myself the 3-in-1 scanner and an external harddisk before going home. and i'm glad i did that. with no medication to be taken in the afternoon, i'm pretty fit to play with my new toys soon.

H is for Hectic Happy & Hooray

2008-09-25T22:40:00.004+08:00

i had a hectic day at work today. i don't know but things that can go wrong went wrong everytime i'm going on long leave. i got a call when i was home, i got a call when i was about to climb the harbour bridge, i got a call when i was on a short trip across the island that i ended up bring my machine with me whenever i went home. but it all stopped few years ago with the system globalisation, hence no longer unix and stuff for moi. until today. i broke down three times mostly due to the panic i created myself.

started the day feeling a little disappointed when my 1/2 day leave was not granted. hp is also on long leave, hence i can understand my boss' reason. "you are important here". "sorry, i don't buy that anymore" was my answer which i'm sure surprised her. then came the problems. firstly it was our very own datafeed which was doubled for one of the period. this never happened before and it happened - of all the day - today. i was busy checking the caused of this when an email from our malaysia counterpart arrived requesting a complete set of data from the previous financial year. and i just archived the dB and moved it to the tape few days ago. just when i was in the middle of replying to the email to inform them the time needed to retrieve the data etc another email came stating the deadline is Oct 2nd. no way out, i have to do it now. well to be honest with hp on leave i have doubt with the other backup the minute she asked me how to restore dB in ms sql server. with only few hours left i ended up giving them structure text instead of xml - at least i gave them. i went back to investigating the data and decided to do a select distinct to fix the duplicate record issue. done with that i went back to doing my own personal development plan which is due end of this month. boss called asking me to check the email she just sent, an email that *complete* my day. another email from malaysia and this time around advising us that uploading to the central server can no longer be done from our local server but through malaysia's. all changes must be done by - t.o.m.o.r.r.o.w. crazy!! we tried calling them, sametime-ing them without avail. i was in the midst of listing down things we upload to global when again my boss came saying the duplicate record issue ended up with lesser records for other period. man! i need to leave early and all these happened. my backup? she was squatting next to me writing what she's supposed to check for hr application. i felt like screaming but i knew there wasn't any point there. finance called complaining about this new info because tomorrow is our month-end closing. boss asked me to come tomorrow i said no and she said she'd called me tonight if need be, to which i said i'd be switching my mobile. she knew then i wasn't in my best of mood since i never ever said that kinda words to her. she came to me afterwards saying the duplicate data can wait until i come back *too late for that* and that i don't stay late *yeah, right*. anyways, to cut my bitching short - i managed to settled the duplicate records, emailed malaysia asking details on things and advising my backup to do it manually until i return. i hope she can do it.

thanks to a friend who accompanied me clearing my head by walking down to orchard. i had a nice night to ease my tense and i can said i ended the day happily. though i complained about work here i know myself better - if i leave things unfixed i will never have a good night sleep feeling guilty. reaching my place, i took the lift closer to the guinea pigs to check on them. the lady was feeding them so i stopped and had a chat with her about the cuties. she told me that they belong to her friend who went overseas for study. she took it under her care and somehow *someone* complained to spca saying she's cruel to the animals (i didn't say that, eh). but, she said, at least now she always remember to feed them the minute she reaches home. a kind hearted woman, i felt a little bit guilty for telling on her but i had to do my part for the animals. at least she took it seriously now.

alrighty, enough talking. gotta start packing and paying my bills before leaving tomorrow. with the flight so early in the morning, i'll try hard not to sleep so that i don't miss the flight.

Exception

2008-09-24T11:23:00.003+08:00

i know i promised myself to treasure life and never complain about anything anymore but today i will break that promise and i don't care!

my day started bad when, trying to reach office before 9am, i took a cab only to get stuck in a crazy traffic thanks to F1. seriously, i don't think singapore is ready to organise that event. it's just funny to close cbd area for that. most taxi drivers i met expressed their frustration as well. in their words "you see, block there block here and erp still on who want to go in and collect passenger" - i can't agree more. due to the congested traffic and waiting for the cab to drop me at the lobby might ended up with me reaching office at 9.30ish am, i decided to alight when the traffic light was red and brace the heavy downpour. i ended up at my desk around 9.05am only to be called to my boss' room. there we discussed about some duplicate data which has yet to be identified if it's the central issue or our local issue. i was sooo darn close to bursting when somehow the checking is now my job. wth!! a month ago during discussion, we agreed that i'd write a macro in excel for the operators so that they can start the day checking the number of count; somehow its now mine. i know my boss is worried that with the new structure operators will be deployed to other department and we'll be solely handling technology. and i think her asking me to do this now is her way of not getting this job hanging when the new structure takes place. oh well, alright i'll do it now. but she gave me an idea to add something more on my expectation with the new structure - to be involved in managerial process instead of operational

process! hah ..

on a totally different and lighter note - SPCA called me yesterday asking if i noticed any improvement on the guinea pigs. i updated them on what i saw the night after i made the call. apparently they didn't meet the people staying there so they left a letter by their front door, hence our assumption the action was taken because of the warning letter. i was now given a job to monitor the living condition of those guinea pigs and call him directly if there's something concerning me. haha, alrighty mister!

ahhh ... now i feel lighter. okay i'll go back to my promise of trying not to complain much and focus more on the small little things that make life wonderful. starting now!

Sleepy

2008-09-23T11:46:00.013+08:00

quite a funny movie. at first i thought it'd be another mbfw kinda movie, but it isn't. well, usual story line - boy meets girl, girl meets boy - with expected ending but its just fun to watch how the story goes. well yes, there are loads of lewd jokes along the line, but if you really want something light to crack you up, go watch it. the eyebrows scene is priceless. and i find myself enjoying dane cook more and more these days.

i was lucky to get a seat and catched the broadway version few years back. i love it to bits that when they made it into big screen i began wondering if it would be as good as the broadway. and meryl streep in a musical movie? i had my doubts. all those were washed away when i watched the movie. all i can say is AWESOME performance of meryl, she definitely proofs herself as one great actors. actually each and every one of the actors did a great job. they sang well though it's a little bit painful to hear pierce brosnan's voice. the dancing by the beach scene really reminds me of a bollywood movie too. i enjoyed the movie a lot that i felt like clapping my hands *which, of course i didn't do* during the credit roles . and don't get me to colin firth .. seeing him swaying - and i mean really swaying - his hips is priceless. a movie worth mamma mia-ing on. both pic. courtesy of imdb.com

HAPPY

2008-09-16T23:19:00.002+08:00

yes i am.

after days of thinking of my neigbour's hamsters i ended up calling SPCA, not filing a report but more like asking their advice. eversince i realised there are hamsters at the corridor i make an effort to stop by whenever i pass that side just to say my hello to those little creatures. until last week i realised their paper hasn't been changed and their cute little voice calling me when i left might be a call for help. and yesterday when i stopped by again only to see one of them was totally dirty i couldn't take it anymore, not when the image of them looking at me with a sad eyes kept on flashing before me whenever i closed my eyes.

so after telling the staff the whole situation they assured me that they'll drop by to check for themselves. and tonight, after feeling happy simply from looking at all those deepavali and hari raya lights i was given another pleasant treat - the cuties were busy getting under the fresh newspaper, supposedly getting ready for bed. night night cuties.

One For The French

2008-09-16T23:13:00.005+08:00

you will think its a pretty boring movie, just sit down and relax, i assure you you'll end up saying its a good if not brilliant movie. i was kept at the edge of my seat until almost the ending. it was shocking, if i say so myself. you'd be wondering at first when will the secret be revealed, and once it's out you're in for a surprise. seriously, ask the lady in front of me :)young virginia ledoyen really looks like natalie portman, btw.

pic. courtesy of imdb.com

The Missing Piece

2008-09-16T01:24:00.004+08:00

totally forgotten about watching this movie over the weekend. somehow it just crossed my mind now.

well, what made me keen in watching this movie is the lead actor. so yeah, i finally found it online. nothing special - typical action movie. but it gets interesting almost at the end of it thought. there is *what else but* a twist. i still can't see james mcAvoy in an action movie though, he's more suitable for historical drama or romance movie. darn even his screaming isn't meant for action genre.

pic. courtesy of imdb.com

C'est Moi

TARGET

Fantasy Land

Crash Boom BANG

GAP

01.01.2012

Reflections

2012

oh WOW

Words

Question

Let Me

Action!

Affirmation

Bring me the Sun

Defeat

Message

Belated

Positive Attitude

(No) Way Out

Random

Anger Management

Again

Blessings ...

Time Flies

Inconclusive

C'est La Vie

Deja vu

Realisation

Determine

Definitely Not

(un)Lucky?

Fixed!

Acomodador*

Working on My Zahir

Zahir

Runaway

Two More .. Two More ... down!

Gone

Solo Trip

QUAND?

A Little Prayer for You ...

Reach Out for the Stars

The Art of Letting Go

Hold My Hand ...

2010

TOUGH!

Random ...

Missing

Hang On or Move On?

the aftermath ...

adopt

Reason

a question

Its *mad* all over again ...

Maybe ...

Ironic

Lesson Learned ...

Not Hard Enough

Gone To Soon

fade away

smile

plunge

miss ya ...

shallow ...

fly me to the moon ...

realisation ...

Priorities

Sien*

Totally Random

One more down!

First for the year ..

When the Insomnia Strikes

Reason

A Note

The Execution Phase

One (actually two) More Down ...

Bye Bye Bye

The Planning Phase

Living Life to the Fullest

Its mad all over again ...